Currently making its rounds in my Facebook feed is the “Things you may not know about me” schtick. The poster is given a number and they have to list that amount of things people may not know about them.

I like to put a twist on it. So, without further ado, here are:

“21 Fictional Things You May Not Know About Me”

1. I once jumped in front of a train to save a kitten. The train was stopped, but that’s beside the point.
2. I ghost wrote a bestseller. I am under legal obligation to not reveal which bestseller, though they’ve nothing to worry about, I’m not proud. *coughcough* vampires *coughcough*
3. The President has me on speed dial for when he needs a good laugh.
4. I am legally not allowed to vote. I’m registered, but only as a formality. I’m not legally allowed to say why.
5. I am not allowed to cross Minnesota state lines. Coming or going. It’s a long story, very awkward.
6. I was, in fact, raised in a barn. But we were taught to close doors. I’ve no idea where the saying came from.
7. I once had a plan for world domination. It fell through. This may or may not have an impact on #s 3, 4, & 5.
8. My “Tiny Human” isn’t really human at all, she’s an android I built in my basement. This is why her sleep patterns continue to be erratic. Still working out the kinks.
9. My mother was a hamster and my father smelt of elderberries! (NAME THAT QUOTE!)
9.2. I was the first person on the moon. It was boring so that’s why I told no one.
10. In high school I got caught skipping my swim class while working on my portfolio. Wait that one’s true.
10.2. I didn’t really attend college. I spent 4.5 years working for the government as a spy. I was terrible, but they sent me home with a degree in education, anyway. This is why I still work retail.
11. Redbull gave me wings. I had them removed because they grew in upside down.
12. Beyoncé wishes she was me.
13. I really will never work in that town again. This fact may or may not be related to previous statements. Legal obligations blah blah blah.
14. I have a microchip implanted in my body in case I ever go missing. This was not by my own free will.
15. My car is a transformer. Specifically a reformed Decepticon. He can’t transform because he has arthritis.
16. My accountant husband once successfully embezzled millions of dollars and stashed it where no one can find it. He’s working out his debt to his employer in slave labor (He also forgot where he stashed it, that’s why we’re still around).
17. The events of “Black Friday: A Zombie Story” actually happened. I am only allowed to discuss it as fiction. Shush, don’t tell them I told you.
18. If I suddenly disappear without word, it’s because I am about to publish my tell-all about a mysterious government agency. It’s called “She Who Knew Too Little” coming soon to a conspiracy theory bookstore near you!
19. I made one other android, previously. She got loose and is now a pop star who I choose not to name *coughcough*miley*coughcough*. We all make mistakes.
20. I’m a scientist. I’m not a MAD scientist, however. I’m more of a Slightly Upset, passive aggressive, scientist.
21. I invented the Internet.

Did you laugh? Tell me you laughed!