I recently put in for a “promotion” at work. I’d always wanted the job, and it’s rare that there’s an opening.

It was in an area I had worked in before, for years, and so I felt like I’d be a good fit. Everyone thought I would.

When I found out I didn’t get it, that it had in fact when to the person it did I was upset. Not because of the person. But because if I’d known that person wanted it, I wouldn’t have wasted my time (and energy, and hopes and excitement). Because they are WAY more qualified for it. Considering they had the same job just a different department, way more qualified.

If I’d known for sure that this person was interested, I would have known right then I wouldn’t get it. That way, I wouldn’t have spent time thinking about having the job, imagining what it would be like, the training. Heck, I was packing in my head for the trip I’d take to train! That’s how high my hopes got.

And there’s nothing like that earth shattering disappointment after having worked yourself up for something only to be crushed.

I was even interviewed for the job! I still don’t understand why, even though I know it was a formality. I mean, I felt honored that they even thought I was good enough to interview. But I’m sure they know they’d give it to the person they did.

“Sure, lets just interview Crystal. She’d be good for the position.”

“But it’s going to Soandso?”

“Well yeah, but still. We got to interview someone.”

I don’t blame management or the specific individual who interviewed me. This person made me feel like they legit thought I could do well in the position. That I appreciate. And I know they still had to interview. Regardless of who they gave it too.

But I still kinda wish they wouldn’t have. You know?

I really REALLY wanted it. I didn’t at first. I was apprehensive, it wasn’t gonna be that financially beneficial to me, and I’d be away from my child for the first time in her life, for five plus days for training. I’d be driving away for it where I’d never driven myself before.

But then I started thinking about it. Getting excited. Thinking it would be an amazing opportunity. And I started to lose the apprehension. Of course it didn’t help that everyone said “oh you’ll get it. It’ll be great!”

And I guess I can sorta blame myself too. I let myself get worked up and excited–I do every time. I got excited only to be let down.

It’s just harder because I don’t really feel like I had a fighting chance. Had the person who got it not been interested, I might have. Maybe. But they were.

I hope the lucky person does great and enjoys the department. I know they were great at their other department. I enjoyed it when I was there. I think I might have again.

Thanks for reading.

-c