My mom died on April 19, 2018.

My heart is broken but I know she’s in a better place. I’d rather her be here, with me, my brothers and sister, my dad, her grandchildren. But she was very sick, and wouldn’t have lasted much longer. We’d taken her off life support, and she did not suffer.

The last words she said to me were as I was leaving her, that Monday, I think. I told her, “Mom, I have to go now, but I’ll be back.”

She said, “I know, you’ve been my rock today.”

I told her I loved her and she said it back.

Really all I did that day was help her drink some water, she was so thirsty and would have preferred Pepsi. But she drank more when I was giving her water than she had in days. And I think it helped her me just being there and trying to help her, even if I couldn’t understand her most of the time.

The next time I saw her she was hardly responding. She was on a mask to help her breathe, and she’d gone downhill from there.

I miss her so much it breaks my heart. I wish I could talk to her, tell her I love her, and kiss her forehead. I wish every time I thought about kissing her forehead I didn’t remember the last time I kissed her forehead, as I was saying goodbye for the last time.

But I know she wouldn’t want me to cry. I know she wouldn’t want me to dwell on her being gone. She’d want me to move on and be happy she’s not suffering and enjoy my life, my daughter, and my family.

But she’s not here and she can’t make me!

She would have laughed at that.

I love you mom, I miss you so much. And I hope you’re doing well where you are.

-c