Where I feel like I’m never doing anything right, and will never catch up.

The current state is affairs: I can’t find my child’s brand new bottle of allergy medicine that we just bought so she went without her dose tonight. My house is a wreck and I had no time/energy/gumption I need to do anything about it. I need to work on any of my 9,000 side projects but I don’t have the time/energy/gumption to do that either. My insides are messed up but apparently my doctor thinks that I’m just constipated (I think he is unknowingly being sexist because I knew what I was talking about).

Social media (mostly tick tacks) is reminding me that I’m not good at anything, can’t do anything, and will never be successful at anything. It also reminds me that I will never ever be a teacher ever.

This is me right now. There is no changing it. No matter how hard I try I always end up falling back into the same hole. I don’t know if it’s depression, but I’m sure if I ask my doctor about it he’ll tell me to give it a few days and try to be more positive and see how that goes.

I went to him once because of anxiety and he basically told me to wait and see. The anxiety I was having was due to The Kid’s issues at school and he wanted to wait and see if it improved with school ending. He’ll yes it improved with school ending. Her behavior issues were worse at school, dimwit.

That’s the reason I don’t like going to the doctor. Being made to feel like an idiot because I know what my body should and shouldn’t be doing.

Oh fun fact I found the medicine I was looking for. After I had multiple mental breakdowns that were only slightly related to that.

Being reminded, whether it’s a sign from the universe or not, that you’ll never be anything more than you are, can be devastating to someone who already struggles with wanting more, wanting to be accepted, appreciated, and approved of. By others and by oneself.

The only thing I’ve ever fully accepted about myself has been the fact that I am and always will be overweight. It’s who I am, it’s who I’ve always been. I couldn’t imagine myself if I were not. And I’m not even putting myself down over it. I embrace it. If I do anything that could affect my weight or size it’s because I literally don’t want to die.

When I started having the pain that I saw my doctor for, I first thought it was back related, as I’d been having some issues with it already. When typical self-treatment didn’t improve it (heating pad and ibuprofen), my second thought was much scarier. My kidney. I’ve never had issues with my kidneys, but I had been drinking a significant amount of Pepsi as of late. It’s generally my go-to for stressful days.

So I assumed, of course, the Pepsi was affecting my kidneys. So, miraculously, I stopped drinking Pepsi (for the most part) and started practically guzzling water. I’m currently carrying around an 80oz jug. But when the pain, which would become unbearable, wasn’t improved with more water and less Pepsi, I wondered. I had my husband make the appointment (for two weeks later), if I left it up to myself it never would have happened.

But I realized something (tmi warning) if I made myself poop, the pain was less significant. Still there, still lingering, but not something that had me wanting to burst into tears while I did price changes.

I had stopped taking a stool softener a few moths back as it seemed to stop working. But once I realized that it might be the problem, besides mentally preparing myself for a colonoscopy (it was only a matter of time I figured) I tried Miralax.

If you don’t know, Miralax is a general powdered laxative you mix with any beverage. It’s supposed to help you go and soften your stools. I’ve used it before. In fact, the last time I’d seen a doctor he put me on the stool softeners and Miralax until the issue cleared.

But did my current doctor want to do a colonoscopy? Nope. Not even with my family history of digestive issues. No. He put me in the exact treatment the last doctor did. But added Metamucil (which, by the way, is the most uncomfortable texture of “drink”. I do not recommend) every morning.

Now, I’m gonna be 100% honest here. I haven’t stuck with his plan to a T yet. Everything else that has me distracted in my life right now, I’ve been extremely inconsistent (this isn’t unusual). But my fear is that if I do, I’ll go from one extreme to the other. And I don’t want that.

But, I was being spiteful the other day. Not only did I take two stool softeners at once, but I made myself a delicious cup of iced coffee (honestly it’s not really coffee once I’ve violated it with additions), but I stirred in a cup full of Miralax. I figured a double dose of “go go juice” with help me.

Well, the only thing I got out of the iced coffee besides delicious flavor was a rapid heart rate. I practically chugged the last quarter of the cup, too. It was delicious, though.

But Crystal, where’s this “never do anything right” nonsense?

Well, that, my dear friends, is work. The only job I’ll ever have. And I’m not even good at it. You see, in my retail establishment I work in seven areas. In those seven areas there are technically about ten departments total. And only one me. I have two direct supervisors and there’s one other co-worker. For all those areas. And we don’t all always work the same days or times.

One of my main tasks is price changes. These drop daily. And sun times multiple times a day. Sometimes there’s just a few. Some days there are over a hundred, in one department. And we get in trouble if there are late price changes. I’m not even sure how long they can go before they are late. Sometimes they drop late.

I managed to get all of them cleared off a few days ago. The last day I worked we had a major establishment-wide task. Everyone had to work on it. When it was over I checked those price changes. In one department there was 113 price changes drop. I had just completed those two days before. Every single department had zero price changes.

And come to find out, we missed something on that Task. My direct supervisor got the brunt of upper management’s rile in that one. Luckily for me, he seemed to understand that I am just one person. “That’s why I didn’t say anything.” He’d said.

I have a whole list of complaints I have with the running of The Establishment that have everything and nothing to do with local or distant bosses. I won’t get into it here, and I’d vowed to not go into detail about work and all its intricacies here.

There are other issues, that have nothing to do with my day job. They are, in fact almost entirely related to this blog. You see, I want to be a writer when I grow up. And I wanna be a maker. And all kinds of things.

But see, I went into this bit thinking, I’m not good enough, I’m too tired, I’m mentally unstable, etc. but the truth is, all of that is my fault. Well, I can’t help being crap at writing that’s just who I am.

But I could do it if I tried. Stopped beating around the bush. Stopped watching short form videos on my phone (which I think is causing or contributing to the ADHD of the world).

There was a thought in my head but it flew away like a bored little bird ready for something more interesting.

Oh, the fact that I’m afraid that I won’t make anyone happy. The absolute internalized mental disorder that leads me to believe that I have to make averting happy. “What I’d I write this thing and no one likes if?”

“I’ve taken so long there’s no way that they’re still interested.”

“No one’s ever gonna read it, why do it?

The same goes for anything I make that I want to make money off of, like earrings. Out if ever fifteen pair I make, I might sell two pair. And they’re usually to the same people. I love doing it but why do it just for them to lay around?

This is going on too long. I have a lifetime worth of complaints, and I’ve still got, what, another decade to live?

I got that day job I’ve gotta go to in the morning.

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