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Crash Landing

Crash Landing

Category Archives: Friendship

I have tried…

11 Saturday Sep 2021

Posted by crashdlanding in Friendship, Mental Health, Non-Fiction

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crash landing, crashdlanding, family, friends, Friendship, mental breakdown, Mental Health, non-fiction

…And tried and tried a million times to write a blog post conveying what is going on inside my head.

For example: I’m paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back. Like EVERYONE AT WORK. They are all in on it. But some of them think they need to laugh harder at my jokes. Or some of them just don’t talk to me anymore. Maybe some of them are trying to ruin me.

Maybe they think I’m a thief.

I’m not I hate thieves.

Or also, I feel like I don’t have any friends anymore. Like, I’m someone’s friend when it’s convenient or the people who really want to be my friends are far away and just have closer friends.

Anyway I almost had a mental breakdown the other day

Maybe it was a mild one? I couldn’t not cry at the songs I was scream-singing to in the truck on the way home. Anyway it was happening. And now I’m starting to get depressed. It’s creeping up on me, like a leopard stalking it’s prey. If I sit and think too long about what’s happening around me I either panic/get anxious, get depressed, or get angry.

No matter what happens I know I would never kill myself

There is no question. I refuse to leave my child without a mother and my husband without a spouse (honestly this child wouldn’t sleep with him if I were desperate for sleep, I don’t know how he’d parent without me lol).

Plus I utterly fear death. And don’t say it’s because I haven’t gotten right with God, leave him outta this he knows what he did/didn’t do (I’m kidding). But the question of the unknown scares the ever loving

Poop

Out of me. So, I refuse to shuffle off this mortal coil until my child is grown and thriving on her own (or at least until she’s sleeping in her own bed).

I never imagined I would ever consider myself to be depressed or have anxiety until I was an adult.

Because when you’re an adult you see/read/encounter more adult things than you do as a kid or teen. And the bulk of humanity has been trying to normalize mental health issues over the last several years. For positive reasons. And I realized that I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression my whole life. I never recognized it because my family did not have the luxury of being able to afford to see a professional.

Not that my mom wouldn’t have made it work if she thought myself or my siblings needed it. And I can guarantee ALL of us need some kind of help, especially now.

My theory is that no one I know actually reads my posts.

Unless they involve free fiction. Or something that could benefit them. I’ve limited my Facebook of late, and I highly doubt a single person on my friends list, or even in my Facebook page, has even glanced at the titles of my blog posts (which post automatically to my page).

I could probably say whatever I wanted about anything here and no one I really know would even know. Something like

I killed a man.

Fictionally. Several actually.

Sorry. I didn’t have the nerve.

How about: I secretly believe no one actually likes me they just humor me for the hell of it and I think I’d rather someone look me in the eyes and say “I don’t like you all that well”. And walk away. I would cry a little but eventually I’d get over it. I’m an adult after all. Semi-functional, but an adult none-the-less.


Thanks for reading!

-c


Someone once said they think I’m bipolar. I didn’t have doubts.

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Pepper Dog

29 Wednesday May 2019

Posted by crashdlanding in Family, Friendship, love, Non-Fiction

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crash landing, crashdlanding, dog, dogs, family, non-fiction, Pepper, pets

This is Pepper. She’s almost eleven years old. She’s normally an outside dog. But she got in the house today when a storm was rolling in. So we kept her in. She’s fluffy, so it wasn’t until today that I noticed that she has lost a great deal of weight.

It reminds me of her mortality and that she won’t be around forever, even though she’s been a huge part of my adult life. She’s been a part of our family for as long as my husband and I have been married. She’s outlived two other dogs. She’s escaped the safety of the fence to go exploring many times, and still came home safe.

She enjoyed her time inside and received her first bath in ten years. She noses through the garbage, she ate cheese and gravy. She played with children and took a nap in my bed when she was soaking wet (the bed is still wet).

We are going to be transitioning her in slowly, she can be indoor/outdoor. She will get to be lazy some, gain some weight, and we’ll take better care of her.

She is my Pepper dog, my pepperoni, my first “kid” and she greets me every day when I come home from work. There have been one or two days where I was afraid when she didn’t come out right away, but I’ve always gotten to hear her bark from inside the garage (she’s had free reign of the garage since she was too big to squeeze out the gate).

If I ever came home it she weren’t there to greet me, I’d be heartbroken.

-c

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A Hitchin’

20 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by crashdlanding in Friendship, Holidays, love, Non-Fiction

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marriage, ordained, vows, weddings

In six (five?) days, on Christmas Day, I will be doing something I’ve never done before.

I will be performing a wedding ceremony.

Yep. Wow.

What started out as a joke ( originally involving sloth and unicorn masks) and entirely my fault soon snowballed into me becoming ordained online and legit agreeing to marry my co-workers.

(I’d also like to add that they couldn’t find anyone willing to marry them on Christmas Day)

And I’m low-key freaking out.

I keep asking her if there’s something special she wants said or done, and all she’s given me is “no opportunities to object”.

I get it. She just wants to get married, legally. I completely understand. But when I do something… I overthink and over complicate to the point of making it harder than it should be.

But I really want to do a good job, and leave them with good memories of the day. Not just an exchange of rings.

So I’m trying to write out something sweet and heartfelt to say, and find the proper vows to make it beautiful.

I’m also extremely nervous about speaking in front of people I don’t know. Lol

Wish me luck!

Love you Haley and Nick!

-c

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Unfinished Business: A VSF Tale

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by crashdlanding in Friendship, Non-Fiction, Unfinished Business, Very Short Fiction

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crash landing, crashdlanding, friends, Unfinished Business, very short fiction

Some of my readers may remember when I was doing a feature called “Very Short Fiction” a few years ago. I stopped running the series because I was working on a story and happened to write myself into a hole. 

I’ve done this quite a few times since I’ve been writing, and it often happens with ideas I’ve fallen in love with. With the “Very Short Fiction” series, the stories were dedicated to, inspired by, and starring actual people–friends. So  getting stuck feels even worse. 

I’ve never forgotten about the unfinished “VSF” and it haunts me to this day. 

But now I have an idea. And since I’m at a pause in “Black Pines” I think I’ll start writing on this new  story idea. 

So, to Renae, I’m sorry I forgot you, thank you for loving Black Friday and wanting to share it with the world, and I promise I’ll make it up to you.

 I also already have a title: “Rapids”. I’ll get to writing and post as soon as I am able. 

 As always, thanks for reading. 

-c

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And now for something completely different

17 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by crashdlanding in Friendship, Non-Fiction, Rant

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Friendship, makibg friends, rant of the day

Have you ever tried really hard to be someone’s friend? Like, tried so hard to be part of their inner circle? Someone you’ve looked up too, admired, and was maybe a little jealous of? And you thought, “I wanna friend them so hard!” Because maybe, just maybe, some of what makes them awesome would rub off on you and the two of you could be awesome together? 

For years now, it seems, I’ve been “following” this person, hoping I’d say something that would make us closer. 

I feel like I’ve never worked so hard in my life to get someone’s attention! Any other situation, I don’t find it difficult to make friends, unlike when I was in high school. I’m a very open, friendly person now, so I just crack a joke, introduce myself and then I don’t stop talking. 

But there’s alway one hold out, I guess. I’m just not good enough for your inner circle, or even your solar system. But that’s okay, I’ve not wasting any more effort on that! 

Have a wonderful day! 🙂

-c

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Protected: “Man Outside The Window”

20 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by crashdlanding in Friendship, Non-Fiction, Uncategorized

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Andrew Preston, friends, Friendship, music

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