This post is about how sometimes we do things to make other people smile, because it makes us feel good.
My own mom died four years ago. I miss her terribly and I think of her constantly. In my dreams she’s almost always alive. Sometimes she’s sick. Sometimes she happy. Once in a while she’s mad at me.
I work with a girl named Abby. She’s a good kid. She friendly and fun to talk too. Abby doesn’t drive so her mom brings her too and from work, and has been for ages.
Abby’s mom’s name is Robin. Robin reminds me of my mom. She’s friendly and always seems bright when I see her.
Turns out she has been parking behind me for ages. Abby and I work the same shift, so we get off around the same time. Nine times out of ten, I’m late, but once in a while I see the both as I’m leaving work.
It quickly became a silly inside joke that Robin always parks behind me if the space is open. So I told Abby one day, “You know what? I’m gonna use my Cricut, and I’m gonna make a sticker for the back of my truck that says, ‘Hi, Robin!’“
Abby said she’s get a kick out of it. I don’t know if Abby thought I’d actually do it.
But I did. I cut the sticker about a week ago, when I was making my own earring cards. I already had the Cricut out so I figured I’d do it.
I remembered to put it on yesterday. Abby didn’t work yesterday. I saw her today.
“Abby, let me show you something.” I showed her the sticker on the truck. She laughed and said her mom would love it (Robin likes frogs). I told her to be sure to let me know her reaction.
This evening, I was talking to my nephews, who showed up at my work, and Abby walked up. Apparently, she had something to show me.
Robin and videoed herself reacting to the sticker. The video was basically of the back of my truck and the sticker, with her giggling and gleeful in the background. I think all three of us were ecstatic over the whole thing.
Of course, some random stranger is gonna wonder, “why in the world?!” But it’ll be our inside joke.
Here’s the kicker.
Yesterday, I gave my mind permission to dwell intrusively on my past mistakes and failures. The combination of that and having been sick for a week or more, and back issues for three weeks, I was most definitely in a bad place.
I was to the point where I was being short with The Kid, and looking back, even hours later after she’d gone to bed I felt terrible about it.
To be honest I just wanted nothing more than to crawl in a cave and never come out. That way all the things that trigger me wouldn’t be a factor.
But then, the next day, I made someone happy. I made someone smile. I did that. I can do something, and that something, is make someone smile. It’s a little thing, yes. But it’s something, and despite still being sick (I have medicine now), I made my entire evening.
So, go out. Make someone smile. I bet you’ll feel good too.
After obsessively posting about and telling literally everyone, not a single soul showed up to my child’s birthday party. We sent invites to her class, I created an event on Facebook which I shared repeatedly, I told people numerous times and verbally invited them. Most people said they’d try to come, said “maybe” to the event invite. One person messaged in the middle of the party and sent a gift but had “more important” things to do. No one else messaged or called or even said anything when I saw them in person. We paid a lot of money and no one came. Except my sister and her crew and I will be forever grateful to her. My baby had fun because of them. I couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps I was the reason no one came. So I needed space from the people who swore they would have been there.
I’ve spent way too much time falsely believing that I could find acceptance on social media. I found myself spending more time trying to think of posts that would make people like me than I should have. I like making people laugh—whether or not it’s at my own expense. My brain believes that it means they truly like me when in fact they’re just laughing at me. All I’ve ever wanted was to have friends and for people to like me. But perhaps it’s not my fault if someone doesn’t like me. They don’t have too.
HATE: hate on each other, hate on one’s personality, beliefs, hating people for things they cannot change about themselves. people hating other people for their political affiliation, for their actions, for their way of life. Hate hate hate. Hate is poison and gets us absolutely no where.
Scams for views: On Facebook, if you have a page, the more likes you get the more/easier you get seen. I have a Facebook page as my readers well know. I can access how much my page has be viewed. Views lead to new views. Views equal money. Nefarious pages post scams or clickbait in order to gain views. I’ve gotten pretty ok at spotting these. There are several people on my friends’ list that share these without a second thought.
“Friends” People who have added me on Facebook, but barely speak to me in real life. Heck most of them barely spoke to me o Facebook. There’s a list, to be honest, of those people. I’ve begun the “don’t speak first” protocol to determine whether I’m a reality friend or a Facebook friend. It’s been leaning pretty exclusively to Facebook.
My mental health: I have lost a lot of friends without even trying. They’ve just disappeared. Not in reality. No they’re alive. They’ve just decided to make a new Facebook and not re-ad me. Or they just ignored me completed despite a direct message, so I was done. This is the “Don’t Push Where There is No Pull Protocol”. If you try to be a friend and they don’t reciprocate, give up. Dwelling on whether or not someone likes you or their lying is absolutely damaging.
Regrets?
A few. That the people that actually cared about what I did on Facebook are missing me. That I don’t get to see when my sister posts or my friend’s babies are posted. My my family. That all the people who have their own Pages for their small businesses don’t get my attention anymore.
But because I use a dummy account to access my Facebook Page, I can search for certain things I want to see. My Kid’s school page, her daycare—though they don’t post her anymore. I can still view my Friend’s pages. I don’t like them with the Dummy, because I don’t want it to be found. Dummy has no friends and she likes it that way.
I can’t say my mental health has improved immensely. I probably have several undiagnosed issues. But I don’t go to a doctor when I feel like I was hit by I was struck by a BUS. But I can say that it hasn’t helped.
Well, the kid is rubbing her eyes and I’m yawning. So time for bed.
Gonna try and be more consistent. It’s been bonkers lately. Goodnight!
Let’s see, I changed job descriptions in my workplace. Was forced out of my management position due to “structural changes”. Then tension and stress led me to seek other opportunities within the building.
So I moved to a floor position, initially assuming it was going to be the same type of position I was in last time I was on the floor. Instead it came with a cynical manager, and a lot of extra duties. (Basically it’s a position I was interested in years ago but without the title).
I’m not mad. In fact I love my job. But there’s just a lot and I just have stress and mental health issues that prevent me from even feeling like I do a good job.
More responsibilities have been added in recent months. I also feel outnumbered as I’m surrounded by dudes. I don’t complain about the dudes. They’re good dudes. But. Well I’m a girl and they’re dudes.
There has also been a number of changes in not only my direct management but the overall management. My two leads have changed once for both positions, and we lost and then gained a manager. The cynical one moved. But I really think he just hated our Zone (area). But I don’t communicate with him about his feelings much so
If he’s happy in his new position lol
I haven’t any significant complaints about him as a supervisor, and hope he’s enjoying his new zone.
My new supervisors seem to be doing a good job. I haven’t any complaints about them except A, who I’ve told this (in the nicest of ways lol), needs to grow up a little and he’ll go far with the company if he chooses. B (I just realize the letters work out especially in order of who started first lol) seems to be doing well as well, but A’s goofiness rubs off on others and also, again, they’re dudes. Also the other non-supervisor associate in my zone? DUDE.
They did add a much needed third associate to our team, but there’s talk of moving HER back out. Yes. There is another female on our team. Shes a very sweet girl and I enjoy working with her when I get the chance.
All in all there’s a lot expected of me and only about eight hours to do it in. I try really hard and I’m told I’m doing a good job so I’m trying to run with that.
Also I’m OLDER THAN ALL OF THEM.
Life
The year began ok. In the first six months we took a family trip (my family and my sister’s family). We took the kids to a bounce place and the zoo. The zoo was meant to be the main attraction but those lazy bones preferred the bounce place.
I also bought my first vehicle. Technically it’s my second but this one I bought. My first was a Chevy Cobalt that I inherited after my husband got himself a new car. After driving that little car for many years, and growing up in rambling old trucks I grew to desire a truck for myself.
So the day I got my hair permed I was feeling super confident and impulsive and saw a truck online that I wanted.
Long story short the next day I didn’t get that one. But I got this one:
2012 Dodge Ram 1500 big horn.
Ain’t she a beaut? Well, the next day the check engine light came on and it’s something apparently you can’t buy a part for so the light stays on.
In October we got in it and tried to start it and it wouldn’t turn over. We got the jumper cables out and there were sparks but after four tries she finally started.
When we arrived at our destination, the spouse told me to not turn it off. I didn’t want to leave it running as we were in a public park. We had no issues getting it to where we were going so I thought it’d be a good idea to try it.
Well.
It wasn’t.
She did not start back up. So I said let’s just do the thing we were gonna do (the key was stuck in the ignition but they couldn’t steal something that wouldn’t start). It only took us a few minutes to enjoy the Trunk or Treat. So we made the damp (cause it was rainy) trek to the dead truck.
Eventually some nice dudes
Blurry nice dudes
Saw our predicament and stopped to help us. Turns out it was all a bad battery terminal connection
WHICH ID TOLD THEM ALL REPEATEDLY BUT I AM A FEMALE TALKING ABOUT AN AUTOMOBILE AND THERES A GENETIC SWITCH IN MEN’S HEADS THAT FLIPS OFF WHEN A WOMAN TALKS ABOUT A MALE DOMINATED TOPIC
The nice dudes gave my spouse a ride up to a very close auto parts store where they purchased the new terminal connection and returned to install it. The truck (which my husband calls “Sexy Rexy” started right up with no battery issues since.
After leaving work one day I started it up and about four new lights came on, relayed to power steering and four wheel drive and had me near tears all the way home. But when I got in it the next day to pick up my kid from school, the lights came on but when off after a few minutes. Never saw them again.
So far.
Side hustles?
Toward the beginning of the year I—on a whim—paid for premium site subscription and domain for this website. I always wanted to do so but feared spending the money.
It hasn’t done me a lot of good doing it, I’ve not made a dime.
Same with all the money I spent on trying to make something out of nothing. A jewelry business out of something no one wanted. And YouTube. I made a video. One. Singular.
Actually I haven’t checked the views in a while hold on
46 views. Posted a month ago.
I have lots of big ideas. Lip balm. Nail balm. Resin creations, jewelry, writing. All kinds of nonsense.
Honestly I think a lot of my trying and failing and trying something else is just causing my mental health to sink further down.
In conclusion
I could have made this a lot shorter. To be honest most of my posts come to me on a whim and happen when they come to me. So I have little planning. I need to fix that.
So if you stuck it out and read the whole thing, good for you. I’m super proud lol.
I have some goals for 2022. Not big goals. Just Me Trying Harder to Be Better goals. Number one is to not put to high of expectations on myself, others, or anything that may or may not happen. Take it as it comes.
…And tried and tried a million times to write a blog post conveying what is going on inside my head.
For example: I’m paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back. Like EVERYONE AT WORK. They are all in on it. But some of them think they need to laugh harder at my jokes. Or some of them just don’t talk to me anymore. Maybe some of them are trying to ruin me.
Maybe they think I’m a thief.
I’m not I hate thieves.
Or also, I feel like I don’t have any friends anymore. Like, I’m someone’s friend when it’s convenient or the people who really want to be my friends are far away and just have closer friends.
Anyway I almost had a mental breakdown the other day
Maybe it was a mild one? I couldn’t not cry at the songs I was scream-singing to in the truck on the way home. Anyway it was happening. And now I’m starting to get depressed. It’s creeping up on me, like a leopard stalking it’s prey. If I sit and think too long about what’s happening around me I either panic/get anxious, get depressed, or get angry.
No matter what happens I know I would never kill myself
There is no question. I refuse to leave my child without a mother and my husband without a spouse (honestly this child wouldn’t sleep with him if I were desperate for sleep, I don’t know how he’d parent without me lol).
Plus I utterly fear death. And don’t say it’s because I haven’t gotten right with God, leave him outta this he knows what he did/didn’t do (I’m kidding). But the question of the unknown scares the ever loving
Poop
Out of me. So, I refuse to shuffle off this mortal coil until my child is grown and thriving on her own (or at least until she’s sleeping in her own bed).
I never imagined I would ever consider myself to be depressed or have anxietyuntilI was an adult.
Because when you’re an adult you see/read/encounter more adult things than you do as a kid or teen. And the bulk of humanity has been trying to normalize mental health issues over the last several years. For positive reasons. And I realized that I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression my whole life. I never recognized it because my family did not have the luxury of being able to afford to see a professional.
Not that my mom wouldn’t have made it work if she thought myself or my siblings needed it. And I can guarantee ALL of us need some kind of help, especially now.
My theory is that no oneIknow actually reads my posts.
Unless they involve free fiction. Or something that could benefit them. I’ve limited my Facebook of late, and I highly doubt a single person on my friends list, or even in my Facebook page, has even glanced at the titles of my blog posts (which post automatically to my page).
I could probably say whatever I wanted about anything here and no one I really know would even know. Something like
I killed a man.
Fictionally. Several actually.
Sorry. I didn’t have the nerve.
How about: I secretly believe no one actually likes me they just humor me for the hell of it and I think I’d rather someone look me in the eyes and say “I don’t like you all that well”. And walk away. I would cry a little but eventually I’d get over it. I’m an adult after all. Semi-functional, but an adult none-the-less.
Thanks for reading!
-c
Someone once said they think I’m bipolar. I didn’t have doubts.
Crash Landing 