Category Archives: Truth

Be My Valentine

13 Saturday Feb 2016

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‘Tis the season of the naked baby with wings and a sharp object pointed at people. 

I’ve seen a lot of hatin’ on the VD the last few days, and let me say, it’s a teensy bit annoying. And yes, I am allowed to say that. I was also allowed to say “I hate Valentine’s Day” when I was Valentine-less. Just as you are. So hush. 

Yes, I have a Valentine. But many moons ago, I never ever thought I’d have one. In fact I thought for years I’d be alone for all my February 14ths. But I never hated on anyone for having a valentine. 

STORY TIME

I remember specifically, Valentines Day 2003. That was my senior year and the year I got caught skipping swim class and was assigned sports reports for my trouble. 

Yes, this is relevant. 

You see, the principal who assigned these reports (the one who pseudo-suspended me, would have kept me from graduating) told me to report to the library every day in place of what was my swim class. But for the first week, the library was being renovated. So, Mr. Barber said to sit it out in the office. 

That was also the week when Valentine’s Day arrived. So, I sat in the office during peak flower delivery times. I watched as flowers boys’ moms paid for for their sons’ girlfriends passed through the office door. Though I knew I wouldn’t get anything, I secretly and silently hoped/imagined that one of those many thousands of dollars worth of bouquets would have my name on them. 

I was mildly jealous, but knew that all these girls getting flowers from their Valentines would be happy. Just as I knew I would have been. 

My first Valentine’s Day didn’t come for five more years, when my future husband brought a dozen roses to my house, along with a Vermont Teddy Bear. I finally had a Valentine. 

But I firmly believe that you don’t have to be in love to have a Valentine. If elementary school children swap Valentine’s cards, then I can give my friends a card. Heck, buy yourself a box of chocolates. 

Happy Valentine’s Day, single or not!

-c

Someday

01 Sunday Nov 2015

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I had initially planned on posting this to Facebook (I’ve still NOT reactivated) but decided this would be the best place. It’s mostly just my ranting after a difficult day.

I am not a happy person. I haven’t been one for a long time, now. Of course, I love my child, my husband, my family, my friends. But there are a number of factors that have contributed to the decline of my mental wellbeing. Namely: work and money.

There have been a certain number of changes in my workplace that haven’t gone over well for me. A number of things have happened and are happening that either make me angry or depress me. And making myself accept these changes as something I have no control over is difficult for me. 

While I have always known that I have no control over what happens at work, I have had to come to the realization that no matter what I want to happen or what changes I’d like to make, and no matter how hard I try–such as a position or shift change–I will never be given the opportunity to do so. No matter how much I want it. 

Money has also played a role in my changes. Foremost is the knowledge that because I got used to NOT having my loan payment to worry about, I’ve been neglecting it for months. While I had it deferred for one glorious year, I could have been putting money back, saving, preparing for its eminent return. I did not think about it, I did not work on saving for it once leave was over. And because of my lack, it’s my fault that I’m in dire straights now. And that’s, in combination with cut hours and other bills, the stress of money bears down on me like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. 

So I am not a happy person. I am a stressed, depressed, and angry person. And quite often this anger, stress, and depression is taken out on others. If anyone has been hurt, offended, or annoyed by my behavior over the last several months, I apologize. 

Lately, it seems the only comfort and peace I find is in the evening snuggles with my child. Tonight, while I’d hoped that she’d be asleep when I got home, she was awake. Her daddy was trying to get her down to sleep, but when she saw me she practically tried climbing over him to get to me. My heart melted. We cuddled a bit before she got to fussy and too tired. Soon after giving her a bottle she was out and sleeping peacefully in my arms. I looked at her and whispered, “Mommy loves you, you know that?” And I kissed her cheek. 

She is my best thing ever. She is my happy place. Even when she’s fussy, or grumpy. Even when she’s trying to bite my fingers. Always. She’s my sunshine and she makes my days brighter. 

She doesn’t quite understand when or why mommy is upset and she doesn’t know how happy she makes me. But she is sure good at brightening my life. 

I am not a happy person. I’ve cried recently more times than I can count. I’ve longed for some miracle to come and make my life just a little bit easier. I’ve wished for something better to come along. I’ve prayed that I didn’t have to stick with a job I honestly don’t want anymore. But for my daughter and my husband I stay. 

But I cannot much longer. 

Once some of my bills are paid off and the burden of money has lifted slightly, I WILL find something different. I WILL find something new. Whether it be in a school, or flipping burgers, I WILL not do this anymore. 

Until then, it’s head down mouth shut. I will accept the things I cannot change. I will do my job, I will work silent and quick. I will do as I am told. I will smile and greet customers and assist them eagerly–as I have always done. That is one of the few things I enjoy best about my job. Helping customers. Yes, even the rude ones. 

Someday the light will not brighten only when my daughter is around. Someday the light will be bright always, and I will be happier. Someday, someday, someday. 

-c

Truth

22 Thursday Oct 2015

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As human beings we are preprogrammed and hard wired to always want more. It’s in our nature. 

Regardless of how much we have already, there will always be something more. Something we think we need, something just out of reach. Something we can see on the distant horizon that we seek, but no matter how far we stretch, we cannot reach. Yet still we want it. We want more. 

These past few weeks have shown me a great deal about myself, and how much more I want, and how much more I think I deserve. 

The reality is that, no matter how hard I try or how hard I work I may never have what I think I deserve. And what I think I deserve, I probably am not worthy of. At least not in the eyes of those that decide. 

There have been some changes in my workplace recently that have thrown me off balance. My workload has changed–increased–and my mentality has been affected by the stress this has caused. 

Though I’ve worked hard and done everything I’ve been told, it’s still not enough–nothing will ever be enough–for me to be considered worthy of more. And that is the reality I need to force myself to accept. 

Until I get myself out of the place that causes me stress, I will be cursed to settle for the lot I’ve been handed. 

And I don’t see my exit coming up anytime soon. 

-c

Deactivaters Anonymous

09 Friday Oct 2015

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In which I explain my reasoning for (once again) deactivating my personal Facebook page. 

I have realized that i am hopelessly addicted to social media. How do I know? I’m pretty sure “thinking in posts” is a sign. 

I go about my daily routine, and suddenly catch myself thinking about how I would phrase something to post it to Facebook. I do this constantly. It’s been 9.5 hours since I deactivated and I am still going strong. 

But that’s not my only reason. I also tend to vent on Facebook a lot. And most of said venting is about work. And that is bad. I have one too many work friends there, and each one is a link to someone I don’t have–including management. 

There’s also a whole lot of drama, a ton of ridiculous posts–I hate the “share if you love Jesus” ones the most. Don’t get me started. 

There are also people on my friends list who either ignore me in person, or I ignore them. Yes, deleting them would be much simpler. 

But most of all, I talk too much. I let my thumbs fly, as it were, with no filter and no second thoughts. So, I decided that it would be better off for me and everyone on Facebook if I bowed out for a while. I’ll still have my “Crash Landing” page. But that’s it. 

I’m embarrassed to admit, though, that I already have regrets. 

First, I’ve decided to apply for a job in the school system, and I needed to confirm some info from a reference. 

Second, my infant isn’t feeling well, and I usually ask for advice there. 

There’s also the fact that I message her daycare when I need to let them know if she’s not going to be coming, or if I have a question. And that bugs me. 

We will have to wait and see how long I make it. 

-c

Believe it or not

07 Wednesday Oct 2015

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I am not a religious person. 

I feel that, having no idea what I believe in, and lacking the desire or time to explore it, means that I am not religious. 

But I have prayed. I have sent vibes up into the universe hoping for some kind of miracle. I have laid in bed, talking (in my head) to someone or something that might maybe hear or sense my hopes and dreams and needs. I’ve said “amen” at the end of these internal monologues. 

I don’t know if it does any good. But as my mom says about her incessant worrying, “if I worried and nothing happened then that’s fine, but if I didn’t worry and something bad happened, then I’d blame myself.”

Basically, you might never know if it does any good, but it makes you feel better to do so. 

I often envy those who are devout in their religion. The willpower, the determination, the outright positivity that God is there and He exists, and you do not question it no matter what, that’s something. 

But can that perhaps be also considered something else entirely? Stubbornness that what you believe (or were raised to believe?) is the one truth? Or the close mindedness to not accept that perhaps it is true, in addition to other possible truths?

I think somethings are real or become real because of our steadfastness and the power of believe in them. 

Perhaps if I believe hard enough, I can find a job in which I can be happy, or if I believe hard enough, I can be happy in my job. Maybe if I believe I’l be a good enough writer to make a living off that. Or if I believe, maybe I will become a teacher, someday. 

Or, as my husband has been known to say, “monkeys could be flying out of your butt.”

-c

Learn Me Right

04 Sunday Oct 2015

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A few days ago I decided that I WILL teach before I die. Yes, I am aware that it’s an odd way of putting it. 

As some of you might know, I have my bachelors degree in education. I graduated from college in December of 2007. I’ve been working retail since 2009. 

While I like some of my job, I have always loved teaching. Besides writing, it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do with my life–professionally. 

Since its been so long since I graduated, there are a number of steps is have to take in order to be able to teach. I also have a heck of a lot of catching up to do. 

But I am determined to be ready to apply and interview for a teaching position in two years. 

Wish me luck. 

-c

A few things I’ve learned in seven years. 

21 Monday Sep 2015

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On October 4th, I’ll have been married to my wonderful husband for seven years. In that amount of time, I’ve learned a great deal about a great many things. Here’s a list. 

  1. Marriage: No matter how long you’re with someone, how much you love them, there will ALWAYS be times when you dislike them. Maybe those are brief and it probably fades. But always. 
  2. Parenting: You might love your kids with every beat of your heart, but man they can drive you nuts. 
  3. Money: Money is, in fact, the root of all evil. You are envious of people who have it when you don’t, and when you have a steady job, the more you make, the more you end up giving away. 
  4. Work: If you love your job and can see yourself moving up, it’s a career. If you don’t, it’s work. And work is hard, so work isn’t necessarily loved. 
  5. Wants: Whether you have everything you need or not, you always want more. 
  6. Needs: Being thankful for having what you need, even when you don’t have everything you need, can make not having a little bit easier. Not always a lot, but a little. 
  7. Charity: Helping others, whether you know the person or not, is all the more gratifying when they appreciate it. And when they don’t appreciate it, you tend to lose a little bit of faith in humanity. 
  8. Faith: Having faith and being religious can be two very different things. I have faith in many things but I can’t call myself religious, because I’m not sure (even at 31) of what to believe. 
  9. Rights: You have a right to be, do, think, feel, and say in all that you do. Unless it’s work, other people, or publicly related. 
  10. Love: love is the greatest, kindest, least (monitarily) expensive thing you can ever give or receive. But it can also break you in many ways. 

As always, thanks for reading. 

-c

Courage is Many Things

18 Saturday Jul 2015

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For more than a month–I’m not sure really how long, I lost track of time–I’ve been seeing lots of images where people are defying courage. 

It all stems from the debut of Caitlyn Jenner, and the announcement that ESPN planned on giving her the Spirit Award at their annual ESPY Awards. 

While I am of the opinion that Caitlyn Jenner DIDN’T win a gold medal at any Olympics, Bruce Jenner, the man that participated in the event did, I am in support of Caitlyn and all she’s done and been through since she officially announced herself to the world. 

But what bothers me is that so many people are using their personal beliefs and fear of anything different to define something like courage. 

It’s those people who make what Caitlyn Jenner did and has been doing “Courageous”. Having the balls (sorry) to be a nationally known celebrity–someone whose life is in the spotlight–and stand up in front of a country filled with hate and show the world who you really are, in the face of all the hateful people, with your head up is courage. 

Yes, signing up for the military, going into war, fighting for freedom, getting shot at at blown up, all while away from your family for months at a time, all because ‘Merica, yep. Courage. 

Yes. Continuing through life, boldly and fully even though inside you’re battling cancer that will eventually take said life from you, and doing it with a smile is courage. 

Standing up for what you believe in, though you’ll be mocked and mistreated and abused? Courage. 

Being a teen mother who decides to keep her baby, though she has no support and she’ll be a single mother, all because she loves the child, even before its born. Knowing life will be tough and raising a child alone is hard, but being determined to give that child everything you can is courage. 

Coming out to family and friends as gay, despite the world of hate and bigotry and homophobia, but wanting to be true to who you are is also courage. 

Courage is risking your life by knowing entering dangerous flood waters to save another human being. (Context: Recent flash flooding in Johnson County, KY led to the loss of homes and lives. One man, Scott “Free” Johnson, risked and lost his life to try and save his grandmother and a young boy.) 

Just because you do not believe that something is a courageous act, doesn’t mean it’s not an act of courage.