• Minecraft stone sword: implies the possibility of other Minecraft items
• Xanax: how long will it last me
• Children’s scissors: will cut aomwthing
• English to Australian dictionary: don’t they speak English?
• Pepsi: YES
• Avril Lavigne CD: access to a CD player or weapon
• Mario Costume: probably not in my size
• Mustard: I prefer honey mustard.
• Heelies: I can’t find normal shoes in my size, probably not gonna find these.

Sorry dude. These trying times no one trusts anybody so I’m not picking up a hitchhiker on the side of the road.

me this morning when i saw a dude thumbing for a ride.

Got up this morning feeling like garbage. Probably because I don’t sleep well, among other things.

I woke up thinking of the last thing I want to think about, and it’s making me feel worse.

Things that can't just resolve themselves tend to haunt me over and over again. There's not much more I can do about it that let it go.

It feels like a person shouldn’t wake up from what’s supposed to be 6-8 hours of sleep, feeling like garbage. But hey, that’s my life.

“Choo Choo I’m a train and I’ll run you over.” Anyone higher on the pay grade food chain.

Sometimes I feel appreciated and sometimes I feel absolutely used.

After a period of time without major issues with my heart, it has decided to wake right up and say, “Hey, have you forgotten about me?” and “remember that time I was causing you problems and you were too scared to tell anyone so you worried yourself until you finally had to say something? Well, guessss whaaaaaat?!”

Two nights ago, it started, and its been worrying me and also driving me a little but nuts. It comes and goes and mostly does it when I’m resting but sometimes when I’m doing stuff. Or maybe it just seems like that since I am distracted when I’m doing stuff.

I feel like it could have many contributing factors. When putting my medicine together for the week, I forgot to put my aspirin in the weekly pill manager. I also have been out of my iron for the last few days (though I had enough for a few days, and I have forgotten it before and never had an issue like this). I have also been very stressed and depressed for some time now. I think the combination of those two things can make my heart out of whack. Stressy and Depressy.

Looking back, I have had at least one symptom that could have warned me of the oncoming issue.

I have had muscle cramps as long as I can remember. Generally they are very mild and something I can flex or reposition myself out of. These I call low level cramps. I have had a great deal of these lately. Over the past few weeks to be more precise. And then a few nights ago, before my heart started its shenanigans again, I had two high level cramps. They were in the same leg, two different muscle groups/areas, and only about an hour apart. High level cramps are ones that I physically have to get up and walk off. Cramps that I cannot wiggle around or flex a limb and work out.

Now there is one other type of cramp and those are devil cramps, these are extremely rare for me but I used to have them much more frequently. I have had these cramps make me wish for death. I have woken up my child, who sleeps next to me, and my husband who sleeps in another room (I have thrown up right next door to him and he has not woken up). Unless I get one of these in the next few days, these are not the topic.

The increase in frequency of my cramps should have warned me that something is up. Sorta like getting heartburn is a sign I forgot to take my stomach meds for a few days. Hey something is wrong here.

I know that the issue is NOT caffeine. In the four or five years since all these issues began I have learned how much caffeine I can and cannot handle. I know that one can of Pepsi, one sweet sweet icy cold can of P-E-P-S-I will not jack my heart up for 48 flippin’ hours. And the last can of the glorious brown liquid I had was the day before, at about 10am. The issue reared its ugly head around 11pm the next day. I also haven’t had any since. Both by choice and because of this issue.

If you cannot tell I really want a can of Pepsi. There is also icy cold Mountain Dew in the refridgerator. But im not that stupid. I will stick to my Lipton Herbal Iced Tea thankyouverymuch (not sponsored). Also I am almost out and I’m afraid it was a limited thing so *sadface*.

Anyway the reason why I’m saying all this here is because I don’t like to bother anyone. I don’t want to worry anyone. But its probably not a good thing. Same with the Stressy and Depressy. I need to talk to someone and its really difficult for me for some reason, mostly the burden thing. And also because everyone has their own problems and your problems might be a different level of concern for them than their own. I don’t want anyone to think I want to be the center of attention.

Also I am hoping that getting something out of my head and into some other form will help me somewhat. I am basically paying for a premium account and a domain name so I can have a very public forum with which to destress. Or vent. Both.

I do plan on calling my cardiologist tomorrow. The problem I am facing is two fold. First, I don’t know when they will be able to get me in. And also, since this problem began (I had never seen a cardiologist until this started) I have seen three different cardiologists. So if the last one I saw (who I think is actually just an APRN I’m not 100%) decided that he wanted to move away too, then I will have to explain the WHOLE THING AGAIN. And as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I have never officially been diagnosed with ANYTHING. I am on medicine and that’s it.

I have also had at least two echos and one stress test. And believe me it was a battle to get the insurance to cover the stress test. They said I was “too young” to have heart problems. But eventually, my doctor AT THE TIME convinced them i needed it it, albiet without the fancy stuff. just me on a treadmill with varying degrees of dificutly and some monitors. Oh i had a heart monitor or two.

Anyway, this has gone on longer that I wanted it to, so I’m ending this here. And because I have the need to tell you things, I will keep you posted.

Maybe at some point I will have something more interesting to say.

Thanks for Reading

-c