Hello and welcome back to “Oops Crystal Is Doing It Again”. The show where I let the tiniest seed of an idea slip into my head that I might still be able to be a teacher.

Ah yes. All the factors are there. Talking about teaching. That’s it. That’s all it takes. oh and Back-To-School has begun in Retail Establishment. Actually probably at all retail establishments.

Backstory for those who might not know

Hi, I graduated from one of my states top teacher colleges in 2007. Approximately 15 years ago. I had wanted to be a teacher for most of my life (that and a writer). And I made amazing plans for myself.

But then I got stupid and have been working retail ever since.

I have made NUMEROUS half-hearted attempts to get back into it over the years. I substituted for a while, I even interviewed. Once, 1,000 years ago. I’ve started stuffing for the praxis (two separate tests I needed to take to renew a thing) about a million times.

Between exhaustion and depression, parenting and a full-time job, I pretty much only have the energy to stare at my phone all day (you should see my house. Better yet, please don’t you’d have me committed or something).

A few months back I made the mistake of looking at job openings, not to teach but anything to get my into a classroom. And, of course, I was let down. Because even if I could have gotten the job, I wouldn’t have been able to pay my bills.

And part of the reason I’m in this mess is because I didn’t want to burden my husband with bills.

You see, I graduated in December 2007. Student loan companies give you a six month grace period before your payment comes due. My student loan came due July 2008. I got married in October 2008. I did not want my new husband to have to pay my student loan anymore (my parents paid it before that). So ya girl got her first real big girl job. IN. RETAIL.

I told myself, “I’ll be here six months and I’ll get a teaching job.”

Well 13+ years later and I’m still there. I’ve jumped around a few times in where I worked in the building. But I never left, no matter how much I want to some days.

And because I have been there for more than a decade, I’m making more than what “entry level” pay would be for any “non-certified” position in my local districts school system. And because I’m making what I am, my expenses have increased to match.

Meaning… I make just enough to pay my bills but not have nice things. Which also means that if I drop in pay in any significant way, then I will not be able to pay said bills.

The only way I would let myself commit such a stupid act is if by some miracle I woke up to roughly $25,000 to pay off all my outstanding debt. That’s not including the services I pay for. That or my husband some how gets a really big raise.

See, I’m very very lucky in a lot of ways. First, my husband’s income provides a LOT for us. The only shared things I pay for are Netflix, Cellphone (which he contributes to) and daycare.

The remainder of my bills is literally my own stupid decisions, namely credit cards and a truck payment. Somehow this post turned into a very depressing financial post. And that’s not what this post is about.

This post is about teaching. And why I can never.

First off, since it has been 100 years, in education years, since I graduated, a lot has changed. State standards, requirements for being an educator, and even technology.

There also used to be alternative routes to becoming an teacher in my state.

But, Crystal, why would you need an alternate route?

*Knocks everything off the table in anger*

BECAUSE. Because it’s been 15 years since I’ve learned anything. And in that amount of time, I’ve forgotten things. There might even be different standards to getting certified in the state. That’s where I screwed my self over, again.

I made the terrible mistake of looking at these routes, and imagined the possibility of taking one of these paths, and becoming a teacher.

This is starting to feel like, like infertility. Like wanting a baby and getting so close to it that you take a test and it says positive, but you have to wait for the doctor to tell you, “you’re not pregnant.”

(Do not take it the wrong way I am not comparing it to a miscarriage, I’ve never had one but know how devastating it would be.)

And because I keep letting myself fall back into this vicious cycle

I haven’t given myself any real chance to accept it, mourn, go through the stages of grief, and get all the way to acceptance. And because of that, I keep telling myself teaching might have been the one thing I could have been great at. The one thing where I could have made a difference.

And it is all, every single aspect of the entire disappointing situation, is all my own stupid fault. It has all been my absolute terrible decision making skills that have lead me down this path. A path away from what could have been an amazing and I’m wonderful career but instead to a “Same thing every day never making a single step in a positive direction” job.

I am grateful for my job. There are people out there that would kill for my job with my pay, because I do make decent money. I am glad I can pay my bills and sometimes scrape together a few dollars to buy The Kid a thing.

But just like always, I had big dreams and poor follow through. My situation is my own and I need to accept it.

I’d like to apologize for this rant of a post. In the coming days there should be some more interesting posts. I hope you stick around.

Thanks for reading

-c