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Tag Archives: back pain

BMB: I Was Going to Call In Today

09 Saturday Jul 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in BMB, Non-Fiction

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back pain, BMB, call in, crash landing, crashdlanding, Mental Health day, non-fiction, vendor poorly managed, work

Day, like 8? Nine? Day 9.

I was gonna call in.

Not because I’m sick or someone else is sick. Or because of some family obligation. But because I just needed some time off.

But I didn’t. As I’d told one of my bosses, I’m a glutton for punishment. You see, two days ago I was an hour and a half late getting off (OT paying my bills this week woo). This wasn’t because I was forced too. I just didn’t want to (a) leave something half finished and (b) didn’t want to leave it on my teammate. As I was leaving I told manager A and my teammate, “shoo I might not be here tomorrow.” I was being absolutely not serious and they knew it.

So the next day, when A told me, laughing, “Thanks for showing up!” We both laughed a little. Little did he know I had texted my husband a few hours earlier saying, “I might call in tomorrow.”

There are a few reasons why. These include but aren’t limited to the fact that I’m so exhausted that I napped on lunch (undisturbed), I’m burned out, and I could use some quality family time.

Also a factor in me wanting to call in: the fact that the two days afterward I was already off. So I’d have three days in a row.

So why didn’t you?

It was the fact that I am a glutton for punishment, and the inescapable guilt I always feel when calling in, regardless of the reason. Honestly the last time I remember not feeling even a small amount of guilt for calling in was when my mother was dying. To be honest, I couldn’t remember to even call in some of those days, much less have room for guilt related to it.

So, despite the fact that I’d already started to get excited about starting my tiny vacation a day early, when my husband asked me when I came home, “So are you going to call in?”

My response was, of course: “Probably not.”

I begrudgingly went in to work, despite the absolute desire not to, like a good little employee. And I did legit tell manager B that I wanted to but figured I better not.

The fact, too, that my child needs dental work and I want to be able to be there for her, well, I need my options open with time.

All The Regerts

However, it didn’t take long for me to regret showing up. It never does, sadly. Before the two hour mark, I was down in the floor, fixing a vendor mistake, as is often the case, on my knees. I made the terrible mistake of turning without moving my knees.

“Oh well, that’s not good.” Are the words i verbalized when I felt the telltale Twinge. I cannot explain why but the only thing I can think of when I get The Twinge is a salt grinder.

The Twinge usually happens with some bending or twisting motion. It’s a tingly, faintly painful, feeling. Sorta like when your foot was, like, dead asleep, and it’s coming back and there’s these pins and needles? But like, all at once. It lasts a few seconds and then it’s gone. But what’s left behind is pain with movement.

This time, as opposed to last, it’s more in the middle of my back, instead of the lower back. My absolute best guess is muscle related, because otherwise how the hell am I still walking?!

If after all these years and all these Twinges, if this is not a muscle but a spinal related issue (since it’s my back), how does my lower half still function?

Bad Luck, Bad Karma, or Fate?

Now, whose to say, had I called in, I’d not moved in a funny way, and not had the same or similar issue? I don’t know if I believe in fate, but I’m pretty sure I believe in bad karma for me.

Because of course I was thinking of taking a mental health day for myself, and end up with a sore back while at work. Luckily, though, it wasn’t much worse. I feel like my middle back has less movement. It’s more, stable? My lower back, I bend a lot. I was able to function today without altering my movements too drastically.

I’m gonna be 37 (again) in two days.

I’m not gonna let this put a damper on my two whole days off. I’m gonna sleep in (8:30? 9:00?! Scandalous! OUTRAGEOUS!). I’m going to spend quality time with The Hubs and The Kid.

But right now, my melatonin (which I don’t usually take if I’m not working the next day), and the Benadryl (which I took to combat this bug bite) are currently fighting to see who gets to punch me in the brain. Time for sleeps.


Thanks for reading!

-c

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Hi, Robin!

11 Saturday Jun 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Make Someone Smile, Mental Health, Non-Fiction

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back pain, crash landing, crashdlanding, illness, little things, Make Someone Smile, Mental Health, non-fiction, nonfiction

This post is about how sometimes we do things to make other people smile, because it makes us feel good.

My own mom died four years ago. I miss her terribly and I think of her constantly. In my dreams she’s almost always alive. Sometimes she’s sick. Sometimes she happy. Once in a while she’s mad at me.

I work with a girl named Abby. She’s a good kid. She friendly and fun to talk too. Abby doesn’t drive so her mom brings her too and from work, and has been for ages.

Abby’s mom’s name is Robin. Robin reminds me of my mom. She’s friendly and always seems bright when I see her.

Turns out she has been parking behind me for ages. Abby and I work the same shift, so we get off around the same time. Nine times out of ten, I’m late, but once in a while I see the both as I’m leaving work.

It quickly became a silly inside joke that Robin always parks behind me if the space is open. So I told Abby one day, “You know what? I’m gonna use my Cricut, and I’m gonna make a sticker for the back of my truck that says, ‘Hi, Robin!’“

Abby said she’s get a kick out of it. I don’t know if Abby thought I’d actually do it.

But I did. I cut the sticker about a week ago, when I was making my own earring cards. I already had the Cricut out so I figured I’d do it.

I remembered to put it on yesterday. Abby didn’t work yesterday. I saw her today.

“Abby, let me show you something.” I showed her the sticker on the truck. She laughed and said her mom would love it (Robin likes frogs). I told her to be sure to let me know her reaction.

This evening, I was talking to my nephews, who showed up at my work, and Abby walked up. Apparently, she had something to show me.

Robin and videoed herself reacting to the sticker. The video was basically of the back of my truck and the sticker, with her giggling and gleeful in the background. I think all three of us were ecstatic over the whole thing.

Of course, some random stranger is gonna wonder, “why in the world?!” But it’ll be our inside joke.

Here’s the kicker.

Yesterday, I gave my mind permission to dwell intrusively on my past mistakes and failures. The combination of that and having been sick for a week or more, and back issues for three weeks, I was most definitely in a bad place.

I was to the point where I was being short with The Kid, and looking back, even hours later after she’d gone to bed I felt terrible about it.

To be honest I just wanted nothing more than to crawl in a cave and never come out. That way all the things that trigger me wouldn’t be a factor.

But then, the next day, I made someone happy. I made someone smile. I did that. I can do something, and that something, is make someone smile. It’s a little thing, yes. But it’s something, and despite still being sick (I have medicine now), I made my entire evening.

So, go out. Make someone smile. I bet you’ll feel good too.


Thanks for reading.

-c

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At what point do I let myself stop being so strong?

23 Monday May 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Non-Fiction, Truth, Uncategorized

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back pain, crash landing, crashdlanding, exhaustion, life, non-fiction, pain, retail, work

Ok that came out weird. Three days ago my back went out. Well, not completely, just enough for me to be in constant pain if I’m not in precisely the right position, but not enough for me to take time off to recuperate.

Honestly you can just add it to the growing list of aches and pains I deal with on a daily basis. Things like what I think is plantar fasciitis in my left foot, or how sometimes when I take a step with either foot I get a pain in my ankle joint and for a split second I cannot put weight on it. How about the fact that MY ARMS HURT. I am a side sleeper and I cannot sleep on my arms anymore without pain.

My hips hurt from compensating with my feet. My knees hurt because walking and bending and crawling in the floor.

The back pain right now is currently top of my list of “Why If Sucks To Be Me.”

Honestly if I had a pill I could take that would make all my aches abs pains disappear long enough for me to be a functioning adult, I’d probably develop a dependency. Honestly having a moment where I have absolutely no pain would be absolute freaking bliss. A high I will never achieve.

So at what point can I stop the “grin and bear it” thing I’ve been doing for, honestly, years now? Because I’m tired. I am not just physically but emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I’ve gone to work every day I’ve worked since my back went out. I spend the entire rest of the day when it happened at work. I went in the next day because “my brother’s getting married, if I can attend a wedding I can work.” When it should have been “if I can finish out my day after hurting my back, I can work another and attend a wedding.

Actually it should have been neither.

But because I am stubborn I didn’t want to miss work. Because

  1. Last time I hurt my back I had to take a leave. And it was deemed “not medically necessary” by the company that controls leave of absences for my Employer. Those missed days weren’t approved and I nearly lost my job because of it.
  2. I don’t like to think I’m letting someone else down or leaving more work for them to do.
  3. I’m a stubborn ass.

At some point I will break, in some form. I get home from work and can’t walk anyway, and now I’ve got this back pain to deal with.

Hopefully in a week or so it’ll let up. Probably would quicker if I had some time. But I don’t.


Thanks for reading.

-c

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I woke up this morning and my body chose violence.

19 Thursday May 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Uncategorized

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back pain, clearance, crash landing, crashdlanding, injury, life, melatonin, non-fiction, remodel, retail, work

First off, I woke up with a headache. That shouldn’t even be a thing.

Second, I forgot pants. No, I didn’t leave the house without them, I’m pretty sure my Day Job wouldn’t let me get into the building without them. These are unattractive legs. They’re mine, but unattractive.

I realized I forgot to ensure I had clean pants for work. So I sat on the throne (🚽) and “read the news” (but also read the news because smartphones exhaust), just… pantless.

Then, I got up because it was time for The Hubby to “read the news” and I proceeded to drop things. My deodorant into the sink, the box of cotton swabs on to the floor, my shoes. my thought aloud to my spouse were, “is this how my day is gonna go? The universe is telling me it is.”

Honestly it was lucky I took my morning dose of ibuprofen. I’ve taken it every morning for the last few days hoping to minimize foot pain. Aside from everything else on my feet hurting, I’ve be blessed (and I mean that sarcastically) what I believe is plantar fasciitis. Nothing I do helps it, except staying off my feet as much as possible. But guess what? That’s my whole job.

Anyway I make it to work on time-ish. I plan for a productive day, but lo the Remod crew has been hard at work to destroy that which we know so well. Leaving my team (of which I do not lead) to clean up.

Boss works on that while I do other time sensitive tasks. he later asks me ti help with his work, and I commence. Which requires a whole load of bending in picking.

And then it happens.

The Twinge.

A tingling, jarring, unnerving split second of pain. Now the first twinge is nothing. It’s a whisper of what could be. So, as always when I get The Twinge, I stand perfectly still. I think, “is this it? Am I down for the count? Is my life over? Will this be the one that paralyzes me for good?” You know, because anxiety.

So I test the water. There it is again but not quite as there. Subtle. Now is when I think, “this could go one of two ways. Either it goes away never to bother me again… until the next time.” There’s always a next time. They’re just not always close together.

Or. This is the end.

Well, the problem was that I still had a great deal of bending and picking to do. Like a lot. And I was barely two hours into my day. And because I am the type of person to not want to let anyone down because it makes me feel like I’m not doing what I should be doing, I know I will not leave.

Because the last time I injured my back (did I mention this was my back) I was out of work for four days, could not physically move without pain. But I did not get approved for leave from work and I nearly lost my job because my absences were not approved. Apparently leave was not medically necessary.

Horseradish.

So I was not leaving work so I could get in trouble for leaving work. Well I had PPTO so I would have been fine.

But as I told my much younger than me boss: I have been ignoring concerning aches and pains for decades. I’ll be fine.

I made it though my shift. Mostly whining, groaning, and banging non-fragile items on hard surfaces because sometimes you hurt and want to break thinks like you are broken.

I even managed to come home and make a crafty wedding gift.

And now my melatonin has slapped me in the face and is trying to pull down my eyelids. I’ll update tomorrow if I’m able to roll out if the bed tomorrow morning.

Goodnight

-c

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Back That Thing Up

14 Wednesday Aug 2019

Posted by crashdlanding in Non-Fiction, Rant

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Tags

back injury, back pain, crash landing, crashdlanding, health, non-fiction, work

If I could go back in time I wouldn’t miss work, I’d just power (stumble) through. But if I could go back in time I guess I could probably prevent the back injury to begin with.

So, a week ago now, I was just minding my own business and getting out of bed and felt a twinge of pain in my lower back. Literally, all I did was get out of bed. My first thought was, “Ow,” for obvious reasons. But I’d felt very similar twinges before (my husband didn’t think that was a word a while back, in your face hubby) and they’d just gone away.

This twinge didn’t go away but instead simply GREW. The more I moved around the less I was able to move around. Within an hour I was in tears, trying to not make any verbal declarations of pain (don’t scare the kid) and telling my husband (and sister) via text that I needed a doctor.

Mistake Number One: going to an After Hours Clinic instead of a doctor office or ER.

This was a mistake for a reason I’ll get to later. But I chose an after hours instead of the emergency room because of money. An after hours wasn’t going to charge me to lay in a bed or breathe their air.

And of course I wouldn’t be able to get in to see a doctor same day or within the hour. Which will also come up later.

I went to the after hours clinic and saw an APRN. I didn’t know that was a thing until I googled it. It’s “Advanced Practice Registered Nurse” apparently. “Crystal’s Definition” is “high wizard nurse” or “super nurse”. Anyway, she poked my back, checked my breathing, asked questions, gave me a shot in both butt cheeks (well not her, Super Nurses don’t have to touch butts if they don’t wanna) called in a muscle relaxer and a steroid (aka placebo and vomik) then sent me on my merry, stumbling, toddler-walking way.

I went home (we stopped for Blizzards at DQ, when mamma is sick we get ice cream) and the hubs went and got my meds.

Steroids are the nastiest tasting thing on the planet. I can say this since I haven’t had some of the others in a while. And I have zero evidence the ‘roids or muscle relaxer did a thing!

I had work the next day, early. But my thoughts were: if you cannot bend down enough to sit on the toilet without wanting to cry, then you probably shouldn’t work. So I called in, and moaned and groaned alone in my home (too “dr suess”?).

Two days I called in and knew I didn’t have anymore I could take, so I told myself I had to work Saturday. While I was better able to walk without quite as much pain, and I’d figured out how to sit without dying a little each time, I wasn’t in good enough condition to work. So after about half an hour I left.

THAT WAS MISTAKE NUMBER TWO because it led to not only why mistake one was a mistake, but all the rest of the mistakes after.

Yes, had I stayed I might have spent half of my eight hour shift crying in a corner (but not in a fetal position I couldn’t do that). But I would have (A) gotten paid, and (B) not had to start the Leave of Absence process.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

The company I work for now has a two step verification process for logins into all outside facility apps and websites. This is to protect employees from all this hacking nonsense. ITS THE DEVIL. Especially if you have to log on multiple times and don’t have a cell signal. I had to go outside, toward the end of my driveway three times in two days, when I’m partly immobile, to call in and attempt the process for LOA.

I still ended up messaging my Personnel Coordinator and she put in the request for me. M if your reading this you’re the bomb and that call today I may or may not have been on the potty sorry.

Now, even though I’d gotten out of the house for the After Hours visit and a hot minute at work, I was beginning to go a little stir crazy. I ended up cleaning from the edge of my bed, yes. Cleaning. I used a stick and back scratcher to reach things I wanted to grab and get rid of. But even a few minutes of this and my back was mad at me.

I ended up having my husband make a third heating pad (damp towel in the microwave), I took four ibuprofen and fell asleep. When I woke up that was the best my back had felt in days.

While I was off I watched two movies, Season One if “The Boys” on Amazon Prime, contemplated the meaning of my life, felt completely and utterly useless and needy.

The only positive to come out of this whole thing is that, before, my ankles where my issue. I couldn’t be on them more than an hour without wanting to cut my feet off (ask my coworkers). But since I’ve been forced off said feet, my ankles haven’t been bothering me. Of course that’ll change as soon as I get back to work but I honestly don’t care. I’ll take care of them eventually but right now I’d cut them off if it meant I COULD work.

Also between visits to After Hours (I’ll get to visit two in a sec) I’ve somehow LOST seven pounds, DESPITE, doing absolutely nothing for five days.

So, for my leave to be approved I have to have a DOCTOR fill out some paperwork, which includes a return to work form. I legit don’t know if I need any of this to go back but I’m going anyway.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

If you don’t know me personally (and even if you do you might not know this) I have had, for most of my life, a crippling fear of phone calls. Like, making phone calls. Is it anxiety or just laziness? The world may never know. Anyway, since working at (employer for last ten years) I’ve come out of my shell more and mind it less. However, since being in my “sick bed” of a house I guess my anxiety has come seeping back because I HATE MAKING PHONE CALLS. My husband called after hours for me today to see if they could fill out my papers (THEY SAID YES). I kept putting it off. If I had of done it myself I might have gotten the right answer.

I’d had every intention of working Tuesday, as I didn’t want to miss anymore. But I was scared of pain (wimpy wimpy wimpy) and didn’t want to make my situation worse. So I called in again, with every determination to get my papers filled out and go back by Thursday (I’m always off Monday and Wednesday). So I called a doctor office I used to use before my doctor turned tail and ran (sorry dude it’s funnier if I say it like that). I hadn’t been back in a while since I didn’t have a doctor there and medical care costs money. I’d had a doctor recommended to me and I tried for an appointment.

However, even though they had all my information and history, they were treating me like a new patient, in that there was a wait time. The doctor I requested had no openings until OCTOBER. The soonest they could work me in with anyone was a week. I DON’T HAVE A WEEK. I told the lady I’d call back (I haven’t yet).

Eventually my husband offered to call After Hours for me, and they said they could fill out the paperwork, and we made plans for him to come get me and take me (apparently I don’t like driving myself places anymore either?). We got there, and we went through the motions of waiting and paying a copay and eventually vitals (hubby took kiddo to Walmart and bought me some otc pain patches. I’ll let ya know if they work lol). So when triage asked me what I was there for I told her about the paperwork.

She went and asked the APRN. She told me that she couldn’t do it since they weren’t my primary care doctors, they hadn’t taken me off work, and they haven’t evaluated my ability to go back. So after driving all the way there, waiting much longer than I’ve had to wait in their office before, getting my vitals (I lost seven pounds) and paying a copay, I wasted my time.

I was ready to cry in frustration (not the first time this week) and pain.

Don’t worry this long post is almost over.

So tomorrow (technically today) I’ve got to try to convince a doctor to see me (hopefully same day) and fill out some papers so I can go back to work the next day. I mean I’m gonna go back Thursday anyway. Who cares if I only last a little while.

But if this leave doesn’t get approved, I’ll have well over my allowed unapproved absences, which is grounds for termination. In order to get it approved I have to have these papers filled out ASAP. I’ve worked for (REDACTED) for a decade. I like my job. It’s not my dream job (teacher, writer, comedian apparently) but I like it, it pays well, and I can’t imagine myself not working there. It’s my family. Also I have bills. Lots and lots of bills.

So unless someone wants to pay me a large sum for the movie rights to “Black Friday: A Zombie Story” I’m screwed. I’ll sell “Darkness” too. It’s pretty ok.

FOR THE RECORD: I am by no means dissing my workplace, employers, coworkers, or corporate. I understand and abide by their attendance policy and actually think it’s pretty generous (it used to be more generous but it’s still pretty decent). Nor am I downing the After Hours Clinic, or APRNs. Or the doctor office I called.

I do in fact hate my body and wish I could trade it in for a nice, gently used, good condition, upgrade model, but alas I am not a car.

Always, thanks for reading.

-c

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