Over the last few days I’ve gotten several likes and views and maybe one or two followers. Not that it makes me a famous blogger yet. But as it’s been a while since my last post, I thought I’d reintroduce myself.
Hi, my name is Crystal. Welcome to my website/blog. Where I share the most random collection or posts and stories you may ever come across.
Here I will talk about my mom, who passed four years ago. Family related things, though I’ll never name anyone. Other general life related topics. I often briefly discuss changing my life and going in new journeys.
I like to do a “series” called “You Don’t Need…” where I pretend I’m a self-improvement/advice blogger and talk about things that the would tells you you need but might not be accurate.
I also like to say I’m a writer of fiction. I’ve written and self published a few books, currently available on Amazon. The most popular of which is “Black Friday: A Zombie Story. It was written for my friends and coworkers at the time and one reviewer pointed out that that fact made it less good?
One thing I do a lot of here that I feel I should warn you about is I Lie.
I make promises I never keep. I have good intentions, but little follow through.
The only excuse I can give you right now is that I am exhausted about 97% of the time. I work a full time job, I am a mom of an under 10 Kid with ADHD. I’ve been suffering from excruciating foot pain. And as someone who works on their feet for a living, that’s not good. After spending 8+ hours a day on my feet, I come home and only wish to rest. I can’t usually get past short form videos on my phone to think about doing anything else.
I tell myself I’m gonna try harder, because I would love for this to be come a career. But I try to live in reality to an extent and I know that it’s unlikely.
So, if I have any new followers, welcome. You might see me once in a blue moon, but know it’s not because I don’t wanna be here. Ya girl is just tired. Lol
Thanks for Reading
She told me that I had been her rock. She had been in and out of the hospital for four months and I’d been there for most of it. I was there for her because it made me feel better to be near her when she was sick.
Mostly because out of all four of her kids, I lived the furthest away, and wasn’t able to see her as much as I would have liked.
Those were the last words she said to me. She’ had said them as I left her in the hospital, by herself, hours away from home. I had no idea the next time I saw her she would be in and out of consciousness.
I know those were her last words to be.
It hadn’t occurred to me at the time that they’d be her last. Had I known that’d be the last time I’d hear her voice I wouldn’t have left that room.
Thinking about it now I realize I haven’t grieved for her in a while. Not just felt sad that she’s not here anymore. I do that daily. But really grieved. I remain wrapped up in my own frustration and depression and honestly constant physical pain of some sort.
Oh and mindlessly watching short videos on the internets.
I have a tick tack.
On Tuesday (4/19) it’ll be four years since she died. I have to work that day. It’s my least favorite work day. I hate Tuesdays. I’m sure I’ll be my usual borderline angry but trying to hide it self.
But with a touch of sad.
She would have loved my Kid’s gap-tooth grin. She would have loved watching the grandbabies hunt eggs, and my oldest nephew being a goofball. She would have enjoyed sitting with us outside while the kids played. She would have liked my brother‘a fiancé, I think. I’ve only met her a few times. But mom liked everyone, at least until they did her dirty.
I had no idea that writing a blog post about her would be hard. I’m laying next to my my sleeping Kid, writing this, trying not to cry.
The pain of loss, of losing someone you love so much, it never goes away. It is a wound that never heals. And it can never heal because we keep—whether intentional or not—picking at the scab that covers it. We let it bleed a little.
But I will not lie and say that it doesn’t get a little easier to cope with the pain. Over time, you get used to it. It’s like an uncomfortable buzzing sound coming from your ceiling fan. But you cannot sleep without the cool air so you leave it on. And eventually you forget it.
Or how you can always see your nose, your brain just erases it.
All I know is that every day for the last four years my heart has ached and wished she was still here. Eventually I stopped crying every day. But sometimes I hear a sad song, or watch the video from her surprise 60th Birthday party. And I peel away the scab and let the wound bleed.
Doing so sometimes feels like a little bit of therapy. But then I calm down, dry my eyes. And maybe I should start remembering that I’m her rock. Even if rocks gotta cry.
We Love You, Always.
I’ve been pretty sick recently. Okay all of 2022, actually. But lately it’s been the flu. She got it from school and passed it on to her family. Mostly me. So yesterday, my day off work, I said, “I’m going to sleep all day and read.”
So after her and the hubs left for school/work, I went back to sleep. At around 10:30 I woke up and stretched, which caused the start of a devil cramp (a persistent muscle cramp in my legs that cannot be easily ended or reversed by stretches, that also hurts like hell).
I already felt like trash, sinus pressure in my head, coughing, etc. and I just wanted to sleep. But I had to get up and walk off this cramp instead of flexing it away and going back to sleep. So yes. I cried.
Eventually it went away and I made a big old cup of ice water and a sandwich and had lunch.
Fast forward to the afternoon (I took another short nap later) and I’ve picked the Kid up from school and we’re doing homework. Now, when she has a bad day her teacher emails me after school. These emails, while greatly appreciated, usually don’t come until too late. IE after we’ve finished homework and she’s gotten her iPad time.
If she’s had a bad day, and we know in advance, we do not let her have iPad time and we have a conversation about her behavior and what can be done.
I did not get the email until after she was in her iPad and we were having dinner. We had the conversation anyway, and I made sure she understood that had I know beforehand about her behavior, she wouldn’t have had her iPad.
But it turns out her bad behavior began at about 10:30. The same time I had a mini emotional breakdown due to a muscle cramp.
Now, she has been sick lately and is on the tail end of getting over the flu (her school excuse had her going back today). So it could be and was still feeling off and needed to transition back into her school routine. in fact this was probably it.
But the exact same time?
Anyway I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, and I’m going to experiment. Today is Tuesday. My least favorite day at work, and I tend to have emotional breakdowns, just not visibly, on these days.
My experiment will be me trying to have the best day ever. Let’s see if she does too.
I think it’s time to share.
- After obsessively posting about and telling literally everyone, not a single soul showed up to my child’s birthday party. We sent invites to her class, I created an event on Facebook which I shared repeatedly, I told people numerous times and verbally invited them. Most people said they’d try to come, said “maybe” to the event invite. One person messaged in the middle of the party and sent a gift but had “more important” things to do. No one else messaged or called or even said anything when I saw them in person. We paid a lot of money and no one came. Except my sister and her crew and I will be forever grateful to her. My baby had fun because of them. I couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps I was the reason no one came. So I needed space from the people who swore they would have been there.
- I’ve spent way too much time falsely believing that I could find acceptance on social media. I found myself spending more time trying to think of posts that would make people like me than I should have. I like making people laugh—whether or not it’s at my own expense. My brain believes that it means they truly like me when in fact they’re just laughing at me. All I’ve ever wanted was to have friends and for people to like me. But perhaps it’s not my fault if someone doesn’t like me. They don’t have too.
- HATE: hate on each other, hate on one’s personality, beliefs, hating people for things they cannot change about themselves. people hating other people for their political affiliation, for their actions, for their way of life. Hate hate hate. Hate is poison and gets us absolutely no where.
- Scams for views: On Facebook, if you have a page, the more likes you get the more/easier you get seen. I have a Facebook page as my readers well know. I can access how much my page has be viewed. Views lead to new views. Views equal money. Nefarious pages post scams or clickbait in order to gain views. I’ve gotten pretty ok at spotting these. There are several people on my friends’ list that share these without a second thought.
- “Friends” People who have added me on Facebook, but barely speak to me in real life. Heck most of them barely spoke to me o Facebook. There’s a list, to be honest, of those people. I’ve begun the “don’t speak first” protocol to determine whether I’m a reality friend or a Facebook friend. It’s been leaning pretty exclusively to Facebook.
- My mental health: I have lost a lot of friends without even trying. They’ve just disappeared. Not in reality. No they’re alive. They’ve just decided to make a new Facebook and not re-ad me. Or they just ignored me completed despite a direct message, so I was done. This is the “Don’t Push Where There is No Pull Protocol”. If you try to be a friend and they don’t reciprocate, give up. Dwelling on whether or not someone likes you or their lying is absolutely damaging.
A few. That the people that actually cared about what I did on Facebook are missing me. That I don’t get to see when my sister posts or my friend’s babies are posted. My my family. That all the people who have their own Pages for their small businesses don’t get my attention anymore.
But because I use a dummy account to access my Facebook Page, I can search for certain things I want to see. My Kid’s school page, her daycare—though they don’t post her anymore. I can still view my Friend’s pages. I don’t like them with the Dummy, because I don’t want it to be found. Dummy has no friends and she likes it that way.
I can’t say my mental health has improved immensely. I probably have several undiagnosed issues. But I don’t go to a doctor when I feel like I was hit by I was struck by a BUS. But I can say that it hasn’t helped.
Well, the kid is rubbing her eyes and I’m yawning. So time for bed.
Gonna try and be more consistent. It’s been bonkers lately. Goodnight!
Thanks for reading
In which I share a question The Kid asks and the answer I give her.
I make it a point to not outright lie to her about stuff. I think at her age it’s a good idea to just tell her the truth. Unless it’s something traumatizing, she gets a reasonably straightforward answer.
Mom, how are nuggets made?
How are nuggets made? Well, let’s see. They’re made from chickens. And as you know they have to kill the chickens to make things out of them. So they kill the chicken and cut them up. They get all the best stuff off them like the breasts and the wings and legs, and they use all that to make that stuff.
Now, the stuff the that isn’t the best stuff, like the fingers, they put into a blender and mush it all up. Then they take that mush and they make shapes they want out of them. You know like how you can make shapes out of slime and Playdoh? Like that.
Then I think they take and they freeze the shapes. And when they’re frozen they take and they bread them. They take eggs and bread crumbs and they dip them. Then they fry them up, and then freeze them so they can put them in bags and send them to stores so we can buy them!
Thanks for reading!
In this the time of the internet, with all kinds of information at our fingertips, the Oscar night event of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock across the face on live television is probably now considered old news.
But in case you live in a cave and only have enough WiFi signal to check my blog once in a while on the off chance I might have posted something, at the Oscars on Sunday, March 27th, Chris Rock, was presenting the winner of best documentary, or was about to, when he made a “G. I. Jane” joke.
“G. I. Jane” is a 1997 movie staring Demi Moore in which she is training to be a navy seal and shaved her head.
“GI” is a term used to describe soldiers and airmen if the US Army and Air Force, and their equipment. Often an abbreviation of Government Issue or Ground Infantry. This info has nothing to do with the joke.
Chris Rock was making the joke in reference to Jada Pinkett Smith, wife of Will Smith. Jada has been vocal about sharing and accepting and embracing her medical condition in which she loses her hair, called alopecia.
Now, it’s unclear whether Chris knew she had been shaving her head because of the condition or not. The limited about of reading I’ve done hasn’t indicated.
But Will decided to take it upon himself and make his way onto the stage to slap Chris across the face. When he went back to his seat, he shouted for Chris to “keep my wife’s name out your mouth.”
This is not verbatim.
Apparently Will later won the award for Best Actor for his role as Venus and Serena Williams’ father.
Also, apparently, Chris Rock has made jokes about Jada Pinkett Smith since she decided to boycott the Oscars once before, in 2016. Her reason for the boycott was because of the lack of diversity. Also Will was apparently snubbed by not being nominated for his role in “Concussion”.
My opinion? Will Smith is overly protective and allowed himself to act on impulse instead taking it in stride. Honestly the whole thing was so bonkers the majority of people thought it was staged.
Ratings for the Oscars has gone down over the years, and they’ve tried to fix that. I wouldn’t put it past anyone for creating something to talk about.
Also, Chris Rock maybe should have thought things through before making the joke? I don’t know if he wrote his own bit or if the show’s writers did it for him. But in times such as these words are taken seriously but also with a grain of salt. You cannot be to careful with what you say to someone.
Also if you watch videos of the entire thing very carefully there is a moment where Will laughed. Now, maybe he saw Jada’s eye roll and thought he needed to stand up for her, but there was definitely a moment when he decided it would be just fantastic to get in front of hundreds of people and millions of viewers and smack another man.
Jada could have shrugged it off and let it roll off her, but instead she rolled her eyes and kept quiet. While I praise her for not making a fool of herself like Will did, I do wonder if maybe she reamed him for his nonsense later.
And there’s gotta be something said for just letting it go and not making it a bigger deal that what it is. The entire thing, from joke to slap. The internet has gone buck wild over it and that’s all I’ve seen since it happened.
Now, Will did apologize TO THE ACADEMY for what he did, while he was accepting his award for Best Actor for his roll in “King Richard” (a movie about two famous women’s DAD). Oh and the other nominees. He also mentioned being called to protect his family and the other actors involved in the making of the movie.
Perhaps he recognized that what he did was I bit off the rails, perhaps he just knew that the internet was going to find it highly entertaining.
What I hope is that perhaps a bigger conversation is had that maybe defending or protecting your loved ones from something that might make them upset or uncomfortable in some way doesn’t have to include violence, like straight up slapping someone on live television.
Or perhaps conversations about things like Alopecia and why Jada shaves her head.
Or maybe even that there is an opportunity for a new “G. I. Jane”. GI Jada. Maybe she wouldn’t be bad in a 25 years later version. There’s a lot that’s changed in the world. It could address some of the harsh realities of women in the Armed Forces, and what they’ve had to go through that’s come to light of late.
Maybe I need to read a more detailed synopsis of the original?
But it is safe to say that Google searches for Chris Rock, Will Smith, and Jada Pinkett Smith have all gone up over the last few days.
Thanks for reading!
Speaking of eye roll, back when I was a lot angrier and couldn’t control my mouth as much, I was in trouble and in the management office and my manager caught my eye roll. I’ve been much more careful with eye rolls since. FYI don’t eye roll someone when they’re looking at you.
Also I’ve always wanted to shave my head.
I’m your host, “She who has a little extra cash”. On today’s episode: I bought an ice maker.
Growing up we can buy has what we could afford. Our refrigerator was no exception. And having a mom who likes cold Pepsi, we had ice cube trays. Ice cube trays that had to be filled up.
I remember being on a kick where I wanted to make sure we kept ice in the fridge. I would fill up the trays, wait for them to freeze and dump the ice into the tub we had in the freezer for that purpose.
We’re not buying ice, we have water and a freezer at home!My mom, if she was around for the meme
But eventually I’d give up and then no one remembered to fill up the trays when they emptied it. and we weren’t about to get a new fridge with an ice maker. Things cost money.
When I got married, the fridge in our apartment was your typical non-ice maker. But when we bought our house, lo and behold. The glory of ready made ice!
But, when you can just put your drinks in the fridge to get cold why use ice? So the ice maker, and the little used dispenser rarely got used. Now that refrigerator is over 13 years old (wasn’t new when we bought the house it came with) and the water and ice it dispenses has an odd smell and taste, despite the filter being changed.
A year or so ago, I made another purchase. I got tired of having to throw away so many plastic bottles and wanted myself and the rest of my little family to drink more water.
So I bought a Primo water dispenser. This bad boy has hot and cold water. And we’ve used it like crazy and practically eliminated our plastic bottle use. I love reusable cups and The Hubs has a reusable bottle he fills up every night.
But while I love water, I much prefer ice water. I can practically guzzle ice water. And we’d been buying bagged ice from grocery stores and gas stations for a while. But every time I needed ice I’d have to beat the ever loving tar out of the ice. I may have cracked a plastic measuring cup and a plastic spoon is somewhere in the depths of my chest freezer.
So, like a lot of Americans I’ve come into a small amount of money distributed by the government. I ordered the parts my truck needed, paid a bill or two, and bought materials for a project (doggie door here I come). So, with a little left over, I decided I needed an ice maker.
Granted I told The Hubs a few weeks prior I wanted one, so when I brought it home he said, “luckily I hadn’t ordered you one yet!”
Yes, because I’m so glad I didn’t wait. I’ve drank a lot more water. Also, if I don’t used all of the batch of ice it makes in a day (or less ten cubes at a time but I like to let it build up so I get a lot) it melts right back down into the reservoir. I haven’t had to fill it back up in the three days I’ve had it.
The Kid, who 1000% needs to drink more water LOVES ice water (and eating ice). And the fact I bought some color changing cups with straws and lids makes it even more fun for her.
It takes about ten minutes to make one batch of ice but it will keep cooking it up as long as it’s not full and left on. Eventually I’ll get a tub to put the ice in, so I don’t have to keep it on for long periods.
But one day when people actually come to my house, I’ll be able to share fresh ice with them. Until I decide I need to see what other nonsense I can make with it.
Literal ICE coffee anyone?
Thanks for reading
I dreamed that my truck had a message pop up saying my breaks had reached max temperature and needed repairs because they got too hot.
I know why I dreamed that: practically since the day I got my used Dodge Ram, there’s been things wrong with it. First the washer fluid motor didn’t work. Then the second day (I think) the check engine light came on. I bough a reader do dad and it said there was a vapor emissions leak (or something).
In October it had a spell where it didn’t want to start. That ended up beating a battery connector. that’s a whole other blog post which I thought I wrote but cannot find now.
Now there’s a bad fuel injector (thanks always on check engine light). I’m pretty sure it’s been in an accident before. The hood isn’t mounted right, as it rubs the fender when you open it.
I fixed the washer fluid issue myself, it was a bad fuse. The batter connector was replaced the night it messed up. I’m about to order (literally in a few hours) the parts to fix the other two.
So I dreamed about SOMETHING ELSE going wrong, something nonexistent, because there’s already other things wrong that I need to fix.
I dreamed (after I was woken up at 4am by a devil cramp in my foot & calf muscle) that I was in my dad’s living room but in my house, and my electric heated throw started to spark where the cord plugs into the throw. One of my direct supervisors was there telling me I didn’t plug it in right. All while the throw caught on fire. While it was on me.
I managed to get it unplugged and yeeted it out my front door.
I think I dreamed it because: one, I constantly feel like, at work I’m not doing anything right or fast enough. I was just told yesterday by both direct supervisors that I was doing a thing completely wrong for over a year.
The throw catching on fire? Probably because I go to sleep cold so I have my throw on. But then I wake up an hour later roasting. As if not only did my throw warm me up but the whole room decided that it wanted to be warmer.
Melatonin has always contributed to my wild dreams, luckily there rarely bad, upsetting, or difficult.
Thanks for reading
You ever have so many things you want to do but absolutely zero time or energy in which to do them?
Well that is my life. I think willpower has a lot to do with it too. Lately my life feels more or less like every day is the same and nothing ever changes. Because it be like that. It do.
Maybe that’s why it all seems to go so quickly and I have to stop and think, “is it already Friday?”
6:00am: wake up get and ready for work.
6:30am(ish):leave for work.
6:45am: get to work and sit in the parking lot contemplating staying in the truck for 8 hours.
7:06am(ish): clock in and work.
8:30-9:30am: take a 15 at some point. Get Gatorade and peanut M&Ms, 99% of the time.
?-11:50am(ish): do work things (including but not limited to complaining under my breath about the following:
- Modular resets
- The 9,000 daily tasks I’m expected to do along with the “here this needs done” extra things.
11:50-12:50am: have lunch. Look at funny pictures in my phone for an hour while thinking about how much I could be getting done with the #pretendfantasynovel and blogging and all kinds of stuff.
12:50pm(ish): more work
2:00pm(ish): last break. Whatever man. Talking to coworkers?
4:00-4:30pm(ish): go home. If it’s a week day I pick The Kid up.
Spend the rest of the evening after dinner either wasting my life on the Internet watching videos or looking at funny pictures, wallowing in self-pity, or wishing I could change myself or my life.
8:00pm: begin bedtime routine
- Brush my teeth.
- Get kid’s teeth brushed.
- Go to The Kid’s room.
- Melatonin gummy for The Kid (1mg The Kid is a lightweight).
- Brush her hair.
- Lotion her feet and hands (helps us both relax and she also has the softest feet of any human).
- Give The Kid her allergy meds and tummy gummy.
- Story time till she falls asleep (almost done with “Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets”).
- Sit in The Kid’s bed next to her sleeping form looking at funny pictures or writing this blog post (I’m now editing in my own bed).
9:30-9:40pm(ish): go to my room, contemplate the possibilities of doing something productive. (Actually I’m editing a blog post.)
10:00pm: Realize I’ve spent too much time looking at stupid stuff on the internet, take my melatonin, take my medicine and try to get comfortable in my hard ass bed.
I’m currently completing the editing of this post at 10:28pm. MY melatonin is kicking my butt. Luckily I don’t take it on my days off.
Wake up a million times in the night.
Sometime around 5am my body says “that’s enough” but I ignore it and struggle to go back to sleep.
Do it all over again at 6:00am, usually with some kind of ache and/or pain.
I realize my posts are boring and inconsistent and not helpful to anyone, usually especially me. But this is how I cope with life and what my brain is doing. I’d prefer my brain to nothing most days.
But you know what, I’m not on any kind of medication keeping me from going completely bonkers (though I wouldn’t deny something would help me). I’m also still employed and haven’t run away to live as a hermit in an abandoned building on some unused corner of a reach persons’s sprawling acreage.
That sounds absolutely amazing.
But alas I have responsibilities, The Kid, people who love me and need me, and I still have a fully/mostly functioning conscience. So I’ll continue to perform this never ending dance routine. Even if sometimes it feels more like a backwoods circus sideshow than Cirque Du Soleil.
Goodnight friends. Thanks for watching. What? Watching? What reality are you living in right now…