Tag Archives: faith

But What If I Don’t Wanna?

04 Thursday Jun 2020

Posted by in Non-Fiction, Retail, Retailiations, Truth

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I have to work tomorrow (technically today since it’s one in the morning). That’s not news, I work every day of the week but Monday and Wednesday. But I don’t want too.

Tuesday, the last day I worked, was a big pile of stinking festering garbage. I was short handed and the people who were supposed to be the closing team called in and left us hanging. I had to ask two of my people to stay late—they graciously agreed and I’m forever in their debt—and I told my managers I would stay late.

I’m not gonna complain once my pay check rolls in and I have overtime on it—OT WHUD UP—practically buy me a new car with that.

Anyway, after six I had three people on the front end, three breaks to cover (including my own) and a million things to get done. Honestly it’s not that hard it’s just complicated and you have to not mess something up.

Messing with the money of a major corporation is a daunting task. That makes me sound more important that what I really am. But that’s what I do. Essentially.

But as always we made it work and we are a good team. A teeny tiny little team but a good one. Those are reliable people and my faith in them has grown even brighter than it was before that night.

Because two people called in (more in the place called in, but two in one area is like a tornado going through a trailer park: devastation). And honestly it was two people I was looking forward to working with. Two people I enjoyed working with and it made me feel like they were abandoning me, and not just our front end and store.

I know that’s not the case. At least I’m pretty sure because they did not communicate with me. I wish they had. One of if them called in I was disappointed. But then I learned they both called in…

Let’s just say the stress of the last several months, and basically year, have really weighed down on me and I might have gotten emotional. I hid it well, at least the angry crying part, and managed to put my sore and damaged feet down (gently) and say, mostly to myself “screw this figurative ‘schtuff’, I deserve more.”

Management had been scheduling me full time and boarder line full time hours for ages, and more so during the Pandemic (crapdangit more like), and I worked it all—except for my two week leave—without fail. I might not have been as good at it as others in certain people’s eyes, but I did it.

So I resolved to ask my manager, first personnel then store manger, for full time.

In the eleven years I’ve been working at (REDACTED) I’ve always been part-time. I’ve worked full time hours on many occasions. More so since getting my current position and let me tell you this has been a rocky road. I’d rather have the ice cream. But I’d been asked about it before and I said that I didn’t want more hours away from my child and family and on my feet.

But since I’m getting that any way and I have been there, doing the job as best as I could, I thought I deserved it. Not the hours, I already have those. I’m talking PERKS!

I had the conversation with my manager and I came out of it, with a “I can’t make any promises” but also with confidence that he actually felt I deserved for the possibility to be looked into.

I’m not getting my hopes up, even if I think I’ve been seen as a worthy person, by at least one other human. Whether no one else does.

But I will also be keeping my options open.

And I’ve learned a lot lately.

1. Open your mouth for what you want or risk never getting it. 2. Faith and hope in another human being is about as valuable as a water logged wooden nickel (IT TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG TO SPELL NICKEL RIGHT). 3. I can make anything work. No matter how putrid the flaming dumpster fire I’m given.

Thanks for reading

-c

Faith based

15 Sunday Nov 2015

Posted by in Non-Fiction, Rant

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I have lied about my faith (or lack-there-of) several times in my life. Not many, but enough for me to lose track, even though I was never counting. 

Those few times, for one reason or another, have been with good intentions, or because the individual I was lying to didn’t need the intimate details of my personal war with religious confusion. Yes, I’ve had customers ask me if I were a “good Christian”. I’m sure they had the best intentions. 

But you will not find lies here, when it comes to my fluttering faith. I would never pretend to be anything I am not. I am no atheist, and I am no Christian either, I suppose. I’m a confused floater, destined I suppose, to linger in limbo–never fully forming a pure belief system. 

But I’ve decided something today. 

I would never put my church, should I ever adopt one, before family. 

Whether that’s what has been done here or not, I cannot on good authority say. Perhaps what this person is doing is out of fear, and staying away will put off the inevitable-whether or not it’s sooner or later.

But from my end, a very distant end, despite proximity, it appears to be the truth–that church has come before family–and that makes me sad. Sad for the person who misses the other. Sad for both, when the inevitable occurs. 

My conclusion is this: I cannot see a faith being for me, if said faith–written or not–“encourages” church over family. Growing up we weren’t the poorest of the lot, but my family was by no means well-off. A lot of the time all we had was family and each other. And keeping each other safe and healthy was important. My mother instilled that importance in me when she put her children before all else. 

And I’m not trying to minimize the importance of the bond one may have with their “church family” and I would never condemn or belittle anyone for their faith–I’d expect the same respect.

When you’re born, you are born into a family, and that is the first thing you have. Good, bad, or ugly. But if that family is good, and you are loved and wanted, I cannot see where said family would be less important than your church.

I generally try to be as vague as possible when I think, on the off chance, someone I know personally might read my posts and take offense, be hurt, or upset in some way by what I say. But I’m about to make a slight exception. 

Give an old man your time. He loves you, and he is scared and hurting. He’s not even my blood, and I’m devestrated at the thought that the time may be upon us that he will no longer be in my life. 

Finally thought: love your family while they are here. You never know how long you’ve got. Don’t let yourself have regrets. 

-c

Believe it or not

07 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by in Non-Fiction, Truth

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I am not a religious person. 

I feel that, having no idea what I believe in, and lacking the desire or time to explore it, means that I am not religious. 

But I have prayed. I have sent vibes up into the universe hoping for some kind of miracle. I have laid in bed, talking (in my head) to someone or something that might maybe hear or sense my hopes and dreams and needs. I’ve said “amen” at the end of these internal monologues. 

I don’t know if it does any good. But as my mom says about her incessant worrying, “if I worried and nothing happened then that’s fine, but if I didn’t worry and something bad happened, then I’d blame myself.”

Basically, you might never know if it does any good, but it makes you feel better to do so. 

I often envy those who are devout in their religion. The willpower, the determination, the outright positivity that God is there and He exists, and you do not question it no matter what, that’s something. 

But can that perhaps be also considered something else entirely? Stubbornness that what you believe (or were raised to believe?) is the one truth? Or the close mindedness to not accept that perhaps it is true, in addition to other possible truths?

I think somethings are real or become real because of our steadfastness and the power of believe in them. 

Perhaps if I believe hard enough, I can find a job in which I can be happy, or if I believe hard enough, I can be happy in my job. Maybe if I believe I’l be a good enough writer to make a living off that. Or if I believe, maybe I will become a teacher, someday. 

Or, as my husband has been known to say, “monkeys could be flying out of your butt.”

-c

A few things I’ve learned in seven years. 

21 Monday Sep 2015

Posted by in Non-Fiction, Truth

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On October 4th, I’ll have been married to my wonderful husband for seven years. In that amount of time, I’ve learned a great deal about a great many things. Here’s a list. 

  1. Marriage: No matter how long you’re with someone, how much you love them, there will ALWAYS be times when you dislike them. Maybe those are brief and it probably fades. But always. 
  2. Parenting: You might love your kids with every beat of your heart, but man they can drive you nuts. 
  3. Money: Money is, in fact, the root of all evil. You are envious of people who have it when you don’t, and when you have a steady job, the more you make, the more you end up giving away. 
  4. Work: If you love your job and can see yourself moving up, it’s a career. If you don’t, it’s work. And work is hard, so work isn’t necessarily loved. 
  5. Wants: Whether you have everything you need or not, you always want more. 
  6. Needs: Being thankful for having what you need, even when you don’t have everything you need, can make not having a little bit easier. Not always a lot, but a little. 
  7. Charity: Helping others, whether you know the person or not, is all the more gratifying when they appreciate it. And when they don’t appreciate it, you tend to lose a little bit of faith in humanity. 
  8. Faith: Having faith and being religious can be two very different things. I have faith in many things but I can’t call myself religious, because I’m not sure (even at 31) of what to believe. 
  9. Rights: You have a right to be, do, think, feel, and say in all that you do. Unless it’s work, other people, or publicly related. 
  10. Love: love is the greatest, kindest, least (monitarily) expensive thing you can ever give or receive. But it can also break you in many ways. 

As always, thanks for reading. 

-c