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Tag Archives: family

Four years ago today I had already heard the last words my mom ever spoke to me

17 Sunday Apr 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Family, Non-Fiction

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crash landing, crashdlanding, family, grief, loss, love, mom, mother, non-fiction, parents

She told me that I had been her rock. She had been in and out of the hospital for four months and I’d been there for most of it. I was there for her because it made me feel better to be near her when she was sick.

Mostly because out of all four of her kids, I lived the furthest away, and wasn’t able to see her as much as I would have liked.

Those were the last words she said to me. She’ had said them as I left her in the hospital, by herself, hours away from home. I had no idea the next time I saw her she would be in and out of consciousness.

I know those were her last words to be.

It hadn’t occurred to me at the time that they’d be her last. Had I known that’d be the last time I’d hear her voice I wouldn’t have left that room.

Thinking about it now I realize I haven’t grieved for her in a while. Not just felt sad that she’s not here anymore. I do that daily. But really grieved. I remain wrapped up in my own frustration and depression and honestly constant physical pain of some sort.

Oh and mindlessly watching short videos on the internets.

I have a tick tack.

On Tuesday (4/19) it’ll be four years since she died. I have to work that day. It’s my least favorite work day. I hate Tuesdays. I’m sure I’ll be my usual borderline angry but trying to hide it self.

But with a touch of sad.

She would have loved my Kid’s gap-tooth grin. She would have loved watching the grandbabies hunt eggs, and my oldest nephew being a goofball. She would have enjoyed sitting with us outside while the kids played. She would have liked my brother‘a fiancé, I think. I’ve only met her a few times. But mom liked everyone, at least until they did her dirty.

I had no idea that writing a blog post about her would be hard. I’m laying next to my my sleeping Kid, writing this, trying not to cry.

The pain of loss, of losing someone you love so much, it never goes away. It is a wound that never heals. And it can never heal because we keep—whether intentional or not—picking at the scab that covers it. We let it bleed a little.

But I will not lie and say that it doesn’t get a little easier to cope with the pain. Over time, you get used to it. It’s like an uncomfortable buzzing sound coming from your ceiling fan. But you cannot sleep without the cool air so you leave it on. And eventually you forget it.

Or how you can always see your nose, your brain just erases it.

All I know is that every day for the last four years my heart has ached and wished she was still here. Eventually I stopped crying every day. But sometimes I hear a sad song, or watch the video from her surprise 60th Birthday party. And I peel away the scab and let the wound bleed.

Doing so sometimes feels like a little bit of therapy. But then I calm down, dry my eyes. And maybe I should start remembering that I’m her rock. Even if rocks gotta cry.

In Loving Memory. 11/10/1956-04/19/2018

J-JCCJ-CJL-BBG-OGNW-EBX-S

We Love You, Always.


-c

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I think my child and I have an unusual emotional connection

12 Tuesday Apr 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Family, Non-Fiction, Uncategorized

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connection, crash landing, crashdlanding, family, mother daughter, non-fiction, The Kid, unusual emotional connection

I’ve been pretty sick recently. Okay all of 2022, actually. But lately it’s been the flu. She got it from school and passed it on to her family. Mostly me. So yesterday, my day off work, I said, “I’m going to sleep all day and read.”

So after her and the hubs left for school/work, I went back to sleep. At around 10:30 I woke up and stretched, which caused the start of a devil cramp (a persistent muscle cramp in my legs that cannot be easily ended or reversed by stretches, that also hurts like hell).

I already felt like trash, sinus pressure in my head, coughing, etc. and I just wanted to sleep. But I had to get up and walk off this cramp instead of flexing it away and going back to sleep. So yes. I cried.

Eventually it went away and I made a big old cup of ice water and a sandwich and had lunch.

Fast forward to the afternoon (I took another short nap later) and I’ve picked the Kid up from school and we’re doing homework. Now, when she has a bad day her teacher emails me after school. These emails, while greatly appreciated, usually don’t come until too late. IE after we’ve finished homework and she’s gotten her iPad time.

If she’s had a bad day, and we know in advance, we do not let her have iPad time and we have a conversation about her behavior and what can be done.

I did not get the email until after she was in her iPad and we were having dinner. We had the conversation anyway, and I made sure she understood that had I know beforehand about her behavior, she wouldn’t have had her iPad.

But it turns out her bad behavior began at about 10:30. The same time I had a mini emotional breakdown due to a muscle cramp.

Now, she has been sick lately and is on the tail end of getting over the flu (her school excuse had her going back today). So it could be and was still feeling off and needed to transition back into her school routine. in fact this was probably it.

But the exact same time?

Anyway I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, and I’m going to experiment. Today is Tuesday. My least favorite day at work, and I tend to have emotional breakdowns, just not visibly, on these days.

My experiment will be me trying to have the best day ever. Let’s see if she does too.

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My Life: A Summary

19 Saturday Mar 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Random, Truth

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bedtime, crash landing, crashdlanding, exhausted, family, life, melatonin, non-fiction, retail, routine, work, writing

You ever have so many things you want to do but absolutely zero time or energy in which to do them?

Well that is my life. I think willpower has a lot to do with it too. Lately my life feels more or less like every day is the same and nothing ever changes. Because it be like that. It do.

Maybe that’s why it all seems to go so quickly and I have to stop and think, “is it already Friday?”

6:00am: wake up get and ready for work.

6:30am(ish):leave for work.

6:45am: get to work and sit in the parking lot contemplating staying in the truck for 8 hours.

7:06am(ish): clock in and work.

8:30-9:30am: take a 15 at some point. Get Gatorade and peanut M&Ms, 99% of the time.

?-11:50am(ish): do work things (including but not limited to complaining under my breath about the following:

  • Plugging
  • Picks
  • Overstock
  • Modular resets
  • The 9,000 daily tasks I’m expected to do along with the “here this needs done” extra things.

11:50-12:50am: have lunch. Look at funny pictures in my phone for an hour while thinking about how much I could be getting done with the #pretendfantasynovel and blogging and all kinds of stuff.

12:50pm(ish): more work

2:00pm(ish): last break. Whatever man. Talking to coworkers?

4:00-4:30pm(ish): go home. If it’s a week day I pick The Kid up.

Spend the rest of the evening after dinner either wasting my life on the Internet watching videos or looking at funny pictures, wallowing in self-pity, or wishing I could change myself or my life.

8:00pm: begin bedtime routine

  1. Brush my teeth.
  2. Get kid’s teeth brushed.
  3. Go to The Kid’s room.
  4. Melatonin gummy for The Kid (1mg The Kid is a lightweight).
  5. Brush her hair.
  6. Lotion her feet and hands (helps us both relax and she also has the softest feet of any human).
  7. Give The Kid her allergy meds and tummy gummy.
  8. Story time till she falls asleep (almost done with “Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets”).
  9. Sit in The Kid’s bed next to her sleeping form looking at funny pictures or writing this blog post (I’m now editing in my own bed).

9:30-9:40pm(ish): go to my room, contemplate the possibilities of doing something productive. (Actually I’m editing a blog post.)

10:00pm: Realize I’ve spent too much time looking at stupid stuff on the internet, take my melatonin, take my medicine and try to get comfortable in my hard ass bed.

I’m currently completing the editing of this post at 10:28pm. MY melatonin is kicking my butt. Luckily I don’t take it on my days off.

Wake up a million times in the night.

Sometime around 5am my body says “that’s enough” but I ignore it and struggle to go back to sleep.

Do it all over again at 6:00am, usually with some kind of ache and/or pain.


I realize my posts are boring and inconsistent and not helpful to anyone, usually especially me. But this is how I cope with life and what my brain is doing. I’d prefer my brain to nothing most days.

But you know what, I’m not on any kind of medication keeping me from going completely bonkers (though I wouldn’t deny something would help me). I’m also still employed and haven’t run away to live as a hermit in an abandoned building on some unused corner of a reach persons’s sprawling acreage.

That sounds absolutely amazing.

But alas I have responsibilities, The Kid, people who love me and need me, and I still have a fully/mostly functioning conscience. So I’ll continue to perform this never ending dance routine. Even if sometimes it feels more like a backwoods circus sideshow than Cirque Du Soleil.


Goodnight friends. Thanks for watching. What? Watching? What reality are you living in right now…

-c

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This Post is about my Dad

15 Tuesday Mar 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Family, Non-Fiction

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

cardinal, crash landing, crashdlanding, dad, dads, family, memories, non-fiction, parents, YouTube

So I was sitting here, I’ve been up since 6am, and I’m trying/struggling to not fall asleep because The Kid has been sick and I wanna be awake if she needs me.

And I decide to do I tiny bit of self care and massage some of my homemade all natural nail and cuticle balm (shameless plug) into my nails, and the lavender scent is not helping my wakefulness. My whole plan was to stay awake as long as possible by reading. Haven’t stayed up late reading in a long time.

But somehow I manage to start thinking about how sometimes when my dad would drive me back to college after my bi-weekly home visit (I was unlicensed to the extent my learner’s permit—which took five tries to get the first time—expired, and grocery and laundry money coincided with Dad’s paychecks) we would stop at this little ice cream stand in a small town not far from home, and we’d get milkshakes.

Dad also liked to count the dead animals, laugh about “shoo poke cat” skunks, and point out flocks of turkeys in the hills.

He also quite enjoyed the “scenic routes”. That man knows how to get anywhere in all kinds of ways. I swear there’s a hillbilly GPS in his noggin with the longest routes with the best views highlighted.

He can fix just about anything and if he can’t do it he know someone who can. He knows literally everybody, actually.

Except the time he told me I didn’t need to flip the breaker to change a ceiling fan, I’d trust him with anything. Almost.

He’s put new doors on our house—cutting them to fit when necessary. He installed a new-to-us window when I was angry and threw a popcorn tin on my bed, which bounced into my window. He wasn’t happy about it.

There was this one time, we bought a computer off my uncle. It worked fine (for Windows MILLENNIUM EDITION) but I wanted to use the floppy disc drive (yes, I’m old) to save stories too. But I couldn’t get the disc into the drive.

So my dad, who could barely read, never touched a computer, got a screwdriver, opened it up, popped the face off , and shined a light inside.

My small cousins had shoved A PLASTIC MILK JUG RING AND A DORITO into the floppy drive of the computer. No wonder we got it so cheap. They thought they ruined it with the millennium edition update.

From swapping out engines and transmissions in vehicles, to using black electrical tape on open wounds, to knife making and wood carving, my dad could do just about anything.

Also that “can barely read” thing? Yeah he taught himself how to read so he could get his concealed carry permit.

Oh and can’t forget to mention how proud he was of his new dentures.

No idea why my daddy suddenly came to mind. I don’t call him enough, and I feel like a bad daughter for it. But I do think about him a lot. He’s almost 70, his health isn’t what it used to be, and after a heart attack, a quadruple bypass years later, diabetes and a lifetime of smoking it wasn’t much to begin with.

He retired after mom died, and I’m starting to believed when he says he shouldn’t have stopped working. Not that he could have worked much longer, but it kept him busy and gave him a purpose.

Thanks for reading this mini tribute to my silly old dad. Had absolutely no plans to post today, but he came up. I’m gonna see if I can convince my kid to come sleep with me.

Here’s a poorly shot and zoomed in video of a cardinal.

Featuring barking pepper dog

Also I have a YouTube channel!

Thanks for reading

-c

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Unicorn, Honey Badger, Potato

15 Tuesday Feb 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Family, Fiction, True Story

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Tags

ADHD, anything for The kid really., crash landing, crashdlanding, family, fiction, honey Badger, The Kid, unicorns, writing

And convincing my child to do her homework

So, once or twice a week my kid’s teacher has her students write their numbers. This week it’s 401-500. The Kid struggles with it because “it’s boring”. Also the ADHD doesn’t help. I, however, have discovered ways of distracting her into thinking it’s a game. One such way was telling her I would write a story while she wrote her numbers. And I wanted to see how many she could write before I finished the story.

The random words were: Unicorn, Honey badger, and Potato. This is that story.

Once upon a time, Huey the Honey Badger was looking for dinner. He was running through the forest, his tummy was growling. He stepped in a hole abs rolled down a hill into a part of the forest he has never been in before.

When he picked himself up, he looked around. What he saw could only be described as magical! There was a pond sparking with glittery pink water. The trees were hung with mysterious and delectable looking fruit, and the gentle breeze smelled of cotton candy.

Huey was so hungry he couldn’t decide whether he was dreaming or not. Then from between the blue and yellow trees there stepped a beautiful creature he had never seen before. “Are you all right?” It asked. It was white with rainbow hair and tail, and silvery horn in it’s head.

“I’m okay,” Huey said. “Where am I?” He asked.

“You are in Candyland. I am Ursula the Unicorn.”

Just them Huey’s tum rumbled. “Oh dear,” said Ursula, “you sound hungry! But if you eat anything here you can never leave!” She said.

Huey was sad. He had friends back home.

“Oh wait!” Ursula said. She used her nose to push something toward him. “This plain brown thing is not of this land. Perhaps you can eat it and return again!”

Huey looked at the brown thing. “Oh that’s just a potato!” He said. “I love potatoes!” Huey munched on the potato filling his empty stomach. “That was satisfying, thank you!”

“You’re welcome!” Said Ursula. “If you leave you will be able to return and we can become friends!”

Huey found his way home but promised to return so he and Ursula could become friends. It took many days for him to find the hole he had tripped him, that caused him to fall down the hill into Candyland. But he made sure to take a tasty potato snack when he went!

And Huey the Honey Badger, and Ursula the Unicorn did become best friends!

It worked.

I managed to drag it out for a bit so she could “beat me” and she finished writing the rest of her numbers!

This story is absolutely silly, completely bonkers, and total nonsense. But I kinda love it. If I had more time in my hands and the skill with which to do it, I would illustrate it!

Anyway, that’s my post for today, even if it’s after 10pm and I’m about to doze off! Have a good one, folks!


Thanks for Readinf!

-c

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It only took two years

21 Friday Jan 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Non-Fiction

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Tags

‘rona, covid, covid19, crash landing, crashdlanding, family, illness, non-fiction, support, vaccines

And I honestly wouldn’t have known had we not taken my child to the doctor.

I Wish It’d Been Longer

Two days ago, Wednesday, one of my days off of my day job, The Kid woke up sounding mildly stuffy and needing to clear her throat here and there. This isn’t always unusual, as she has allergy issues.

I myself have been sick for what feels like four straight weeks now. My symptoms have included what mostly just feels like my typical head cold. Then one morning a week ago or so, I woke up with a sore throat I couldn’t shake.

These things are KILLER for a sore throat. And they don’t taste terrible!

Now, I’ve tried extremely hard to not give whatever crud I had to my child’s. But when the sore throat rolled up, I assumed it was strep and that I had to be super serious.

But that morning she was stuffy and hoarse, she had NTI day for school. For the uninitiated that’s “Non-Traditional Day” for when in-person is cancelled. Like for weather. And during that, she asked for a blanket.

She NEVER asks for a blanket. When it was over she took said blanket and crawled back in bed. She spent hours there watching YouTube. And this child who prefers to live in her underpants, did not remove even her socks.

So, I messaged her dad and mentioned this. Initially I was going to give it a day. I’d felt like garbage and didn’t want to leave the house. But when I realized she might feel cold because of a fever, I decided we needed to get her in.

They symptoms we have the doctor office here vague. Slight fever, runny nose, clearing her throat and coughing. And she was lethargic. So they asked if we wanted to do a covid test. Just in case.

It was easier than I thought it’d be—none of the three of us had been tested—and it only took a second. But she has some anxiety issues, so it was stressful.

Please note: my husband and I have both been vaccinated. I had Moderna, and he had Johnson & Johnson. We are still nervous about the vaccine for our less that ten year old. I don’t think I’m on the fence anymore.

But in less that ten minutes they were back in the room confirming that she had covid. Which meant that I probably gave it to her, as I’d been sick for a while. And her dad had just started developing symptoms.

COVID-19

Or “Name Brand” Crud(TM)

Luckily, none of us have had any issues breathing. The Hubs does have asthma and allergy issues, which are under control with medication. The kid takes an OTC allergy med.

I tested positive later that evening. The hubby hasn’t taken a test yet but, I mean, duh. We’ve been quarantined since that (Wednesday) evening, and I only get five days of leave (despite the health department telling us to quarantine for seven).

So far, out of the three of us, The Kid seems to be feeling the best. She had the fever, stuffy/runny nose, and cough. She hasn’t complained of any other issues. The fever was done with her that night, and wanted to play made-up games (tiny boxing?!) with me just a few hours ago.

The Hubs seems to be stuffy with a cough. He hasn’t mentioned any other symptoms as of yet. Headache I think.

Me? Oh I still feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. Have since the first week of January. But I feel like the truck is slightly smaller today. My throat is less sore than it was, but it usually worsens at night (I’m about to go to bed). Still coughing and my ears hurt and my head hurts if I’m not careful. Oh and I’m dizzy.

The Issue

If my child hadn’t gotten sick, that tiny change in normalcy for her, I wouldn’t have assumed I had covid. I wouldn’t have gotten tested. I assumed I had a persistent head cold/sinus infection/strep. Usually when I get sick, really sick, not just allergies, I stay sick until my body decides, “okay fine you’ve suffered enough”.

Is it because I’m too lazy to see a doctor? Probably.

Is it because I have anxiety about going places I don’t usually go? Probably.

Is it because I think: “I’ll be fine eventually”? Probably.

Is it because I am a woman and like all the women before me I inherently believe that I’ve got too much to do to give in to being sick and I’ll just have to work through it? More than likely.

My mother had four children. All born within four years. She didn’t take a lot of time out for herself, even when she was sick. She waiting until her children were grown to take care of herself and by then it was too late to turn her health around in a positive way.

If I hadn’t taken the time to listen to my kid and see that yes she was sick, I would have went right back to work the next day, taking all manner of over-the-counter meds for cold and flu (and that ten month old bottle of antibiotics my husband hadn’t touched last April). I would have also bought all kinds of OTC meds for her (thank BOB she doesn’t mind the Sudafed liquid the doctor recommended).

Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Feel Terrible

I brought covid into my home. I gave it to my child. I gave it to my husband. I was afraid for a moment I gave it to my sister and her family. They all tested negative this time (they had it in August, I happily executed multiple socially distanced “Operation Dumbo Drop” missions to their driveway for supplies).

All I can do at this stage is be thankful that my child, who is a sturdy, strong soul, hasn’t had any worse symptoms. She has gotten to sleep in my bed two nights (after about forty in her own), so she’s definitely not complaining.

The Hubs, well, he hasn’t complained much yet. He knew I’d been feeling like “hot stinking garbage” for a while, so I think he doesn’t want to rain on my pity party. But we check in on each other but make The Kid our priority.

Thank you

To all those people who have checked up on us since learning we were infected, offered to do a porch drop off (we don’t need anything. I just want Pepsi and peanut m&ms). And just generally wanted to make sure The Kid was okay (she’s number one). We appreciate all the kindness.


Thanks for reading!

-c

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“You Don’t Need…” (4)

17 Monday Jan 2022

Posted by crashdlanding in Non-Fiction, You Don’t Need

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crash landing, crashdlanding, family, happiness, money, non-fiction, You Don’t Need

Do we like the new “YDN” image? I like it. I think.

You Don’t Need… Money to be happy

That trusty old saying, we’ve heard all our lives. “Money cannot buy happiness.” According to an article I found by googling “Money can’t buy happiness”, the saying itself means that true happiness comes from within.

Happiness itself is an intangible thing. Its not something that you can call 1-800-Happiness and, after 30 easy payments of $49.95 own it, placing it on your mantel in a place of great honor, right next to your kid’s plastic trophy they received for passing kindergarten.

Honestly it was a plastic medal on a red, white and blue string that said, “WINNER” but The Kid was super proud of it for like two whole weeks.

Until it disappeared. Its here somewhere. I think. But it was more or less CoviGarten so they all deserved it.

Yes, Happiness is not something you can purchase for any amount of money, and finding it within yourself, or even outside yourself is important. Especially in the times we are living in right now, we need to find ways to be happy, and it can be difficult.

But… having money can sure help.

Not where you thought I was going with this, huh? I do indeed like to surprise people. The article I mentioned above, while having several valid points, also mentions so many things THAT REQUIRE MONEY.

For example, the author says that, “On the other hand, when you look at photos of trips you have taken, nature that inspired you, family and friends, and people who captured your heart in different ways, it probably fills you with a sense of joy.” Almost every single thing in that sentence has required money. Right down to the photos you look at. Yes, FreePrints.com exists (Not sponsored but I’m open lol) but you still gotta pay shipping bro.

Another point the author makes is that, yes, things cost money, but if you budget right then you can afford it.

What.

Seriously dude. I can remember multiple times in my adult life where after I paid my bills I had less that $5 in my bank account. And this was pre-automatic savings deposit. This was also pre-student loan pay off. But also pre-multiple credit card payments (credit cards are bad, umkay).

I know people personally who are barely making ends meet. They worry on a daily basis about money. And having just a little bit more would make everything about their lives so much easier.

Doing What You Love

CAN make you happy. But even THAT can cost money.

For example: My current pipe dream is to have my own creator space. Not just any creator space. I want a large building where I can have all my crafting, creating, and making supplies. Also, a storefront where I can sell my creations. But I want to have space so other likeminded people can have their own creator space. I even know what kind of building would be perfect.

But every ounce of that dream would cost money. And I don’t make enough at my current place of employment to even consider the idea.

We won’t even talk about the movie theater (blog post coming soon: That Time I Wanted to Buy a Movie Theater).

There are valid free roads to happiness.

Things that make me happy that cost absolutely nothing are:

  • My Kid saying “I Love You”
  • My Kid having a great day
  • Making people laugh
  • This blog, for some reason.
  • Mandatory Family Time.

Valid reasons why having money can make someone happy

  • Bills would be paid (especially those credit cards)
  • House would be fixed (have a mentioned my leaky roof?)
  • The check engine light on my truck could be addressed (still tempted to shove it off a cliff)
  • That vacation we planned could still be taken AND new beds and mattresses.

The Polls

Over on the group I created, dedicated to CrashLanding related non-sense, and on twitter I post polls. I love polls. I asked, simply, “Can money buy happiness.” The response was overwhelming that the public believes that yes, money can buy happiness.

Yes, it was only four people, and twitter generally ignores me, BUT STILL. VALID.

In conclusion

The truth is everyone is different. Different things make us happy. One person might be perfectly content in sharing in quiet family time. Someone else might be happy to take a long solitary walk. I would be thrilled with a good night’s sleep. It might change someone else’s entire outlook on life if they got enough money to pay off all their debt so they didn’t have to worry.

Find whatever makes you happy and do it.

Except murder. Don’t do that.


Thanks for Reading.

-C


More “You Don’t Need…”

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I have tried…

11 Saturday Sep 2021

Posted by crashdlanding in Friendship, Mental Health, Non-Fiction

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Tags

crash landing, crashdlanding, family, friends, Friendship, mental breakdown, Mental Health, non-fiction

…And tried and tried a million times to write a blog post conveying what is going on inside my head.

For example: I’m paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back. Like EVERYONE AT WORK. They are all in on it. But some of them think they need to laugh harder at my jokes. Or some of them just don’t talk to me anymore. Maybe some of them are trying to ruin me.

Maybe they think I’m a thief.

I’m not I hate thieves.

Or also, I feel like I don’t have any friends anymore. Like, I’m someone’s friend when it’s convenient or the people who really want to be my friends are far away and just have closer friends.

Anyway I almost had a mental breakdown the other day

Maybe it was a mild one? I couldn’t not cry at the songs I was scream-singing to in the truck on the way home. Anyway it was happening. And now I’m starting to get depressed. It’s creeping up on me, like a leopard stalking it’s prey. If I sit and think too long about what’s happening around me I either panic/get anxious, get depressed, or get angry.

No matter what happens I know I would never kill myself

There is no question. I refuse to leave my child without a mother and my husband without a spouse (honestly this child wouldn’t sleep with him if I were desperate for sleep, I don’t know how he’d parent without me lol).

Plus I utterly fear death. And don’t say it’s because I haven’t gotten right with God, leave him outta this he knows what he did/didn’t do (I’m kidding). But the question of the unknown scares the ever loving

Poop

Out of me. So, I refuse to shuffle off this mortal coil until my child is grown and thriving on her own (or at least until she’s sleeping in her own bed).

I never imagined I would ever consider myself to be depressed or have anxiety until I was an adult.

Because when you’re an adult you see/read/encounter more adult things than you do as a kid or teen. And the bulk of humanity has been trying to normalize mental health issues over the last several years. For positive reasons. And I realized that I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression my whole life. I never recognized it because my family did not have the luxury of being able to afford to see a professional.

Not that my mom wouldn’t have made it work if she thought myself or my siblings needed it. And I can guarantee ALL of us need some kind of help, especially now.

My theory is that no one I know actually reads my posts.

Unless they involve free fiction. Or something that could benefit them. I’ve limited my Facebook of late, and I highly doubt a single person on my friends list, or even in my Facebook page, has even glanced at the titles of my blog posts (which post automatically to my page).

I could probably say whatever I wanted about anything here and no one I really know would even know. Something like

I killed a man.

Fictionally. Several actually.

Sorry. I didn’t have the nerve.

How about: I secretly believe no one actually likes me they just humor me for the hell of it and I think I’d rather someone look me in the eyes and say “I don’t like you all that well”. And walk away. I would cry a little but eventually I’d get over it. I’m an adult after all. Semi-functional, but an adult none-the-less.


Thanks for reading!

-c


Someone once said they think I’m bipolar. I didn’t have doubts.

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Why do people get married anyway?

28 Saturday Aug 2021

Posted by crashdlanding in Non-Fiction, Random, Uncategorized

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Tags

crash landing, crashdlanding, family, life, non-fiction, Random

I woke up at 4:30am thinking about this for some reason.

NOTE: I am happily married and wouldn’t change it.

But brain be weird sometimes.

So as I was falling asleep, I thought about it, and thought about it every time I woke back up.

Why DO people get married?

You can be together and share your life with someone without the license. So why make it government legal.

Here’s an example.

Fred and Wilma are high school sweethearts. Together since they were teenagers. They love each other dearly and are moved in together by their mid-twenties. Eventually they buy a house together, except Fred’s credit is better so it’s his name on the home loan. They never marry.

But, eventually Wilma is making more so she’s paying the home loan and they split the remainder of the household bills. They pick out furniture together, they grocery shop together, they share everything.

They’re perfectly happy, and decided many years before they didn’t want children. By their thirties they’re doing quite well.

The only issue they have is that Fred’s parents, Don and Karen, don’t like Wilma. Karen especially. She thinks Wilma stole her only baby away before he was even grown and now she won’t have grandchildren because Wilma doesn’t want children.

So, they don’t talk to Fred’s parents much. But other than that, life is great.

But one day, while Wilma is at work, Fred is in a horrible car accident. Wilma rushes to the hospital Fred needs surgery so Wilma, the o my person there to consent, allows it without question.

But while surgery keeps him alive, he suffered a severe brain injury and was put in a ventilator during surgery.

Don and Karen show up (who called those two). And the doctor comes in. He tells them all that Fred’s brain injury was severe. He’s on ventilator but may never come off. And if he does he might be functional and require constant care.

Wilma, who has know Fred for decades, loved him for decades, knows that Fred would not be a burden. And that he wouldn’t want to be on life support indefinitely. She tells them this.

But Karen disagrees. She won’t let Wilma take her baby away forever. She wants to keep Fred on life support, in case there’s a chance he could come off. Even the tiniest chance.

So Karen makes it known that Wilma and Fred were not legally married. Which means that what is his is not hers and vise versa. Because Karen and Don are Fred’s only living legal relatives it is decided to keep him on life support.

Eventually the time comes when Fred’s body no longer can hold in on life support. So despite Karen’s desire to hold on to a son that was no longer there, Fred dies.

Fred had no will.

A will would have been a legally binding document that would have made Wilma Fred’s heir if he so chose.

So all those years together, all that time spent together, sharing a life, because Karen hated Wilma, Wilma could get nothing from Fred’s estate.

Of course…

Proof of a relationship, proof Wilma paid for the house, despite it being in Fred’s name, all the shared possessions. Might save Wilma in this situation.

Also I don’t know much about the laws. I don’t know about “common law marriages”, if there still a thing.

But I do know that wills are legally binding, if properly done.

If you’re gonna be in a long term relationship without marriage, be sure you have something legally binding, because the wrong angry person could fight it.

Again

NO IDEA why all this came up in my head at 4:30 in the morning.


Thanks for reading!

-c

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Help! I may have made a terrible mistake.

13 Tuesday Apr 2021

Posted by crashdlanding in Non-Fiction, Truth

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

2012, bad idea, crash landing, crashdlanding, Dodge Ram, family, new to me, new truck, non-fiction, oops is, thought I was a Chevy Girl

I bought a truck. I’ve never purchased a vehicle before. My last vehicle, the ‘Balt whom I’ve mentioned numerous times, was a hand-me-down from my husband. He gave her to me when bought his car.

A week ago today, I saw a truck for sale at a local lot. It was nice, older but a decent price with good features. However, no one wanted to provide a loan for it because of the mileage.

So they “found” another truck for me.

You see, I’ve always wanted a truck. The Balt was nice but she was small and light and had an aversion to staying on the road and not on the surface of standing water when it had been raining. She also had a decent amount of miles.

I also grew up in pickups driven by my dad. It’s nostalgia for me. And the thought that I could haul literally anything I wanted when I wanted to.

So I bought a 2012 Dodge Ram Big Horn. I still have no idea the significance of the Big Horn part, and there’s still some features I haven’t figured out yet. But I love driving her (her name is Olive Oil) and her color is “sagebrush”. For once I’m driving a vehicle that if something happens I’m not the one who will get hurt it’ll be the other guy.

I would never cause an accident intentionally. I’m a cautious driver. Just thought that needed saying.

Anywho, the day after I bought her, the “check fuel cap” warning came on. So I checked it. Not loose. Still attached. Light still on.

Two days later the check engine light came on. The next day I took her to a local mechanic and he plugged her in. It said it was the fuel cap. He said more than likely it’s a fuel leak. If it’s a particular line, it would require dropping the tank. That alone is $100 labor.

I haven’t even made the first payment.

And I gave up the ‘Balt for $250. so if something bad happens to Olive, I’m in a pickle.

See what I did there. I have to joke it’s my coping mechanism.

I’m scared do death that I’ve made a horrible mistake, an impulse buy I will soon regret. She’s a big truck and she’s gonna be expensive to fix.

My husband had this fear, that it was going to be expensive. But shout out to him for letting me make my own decisions without influencing them.

I am willing to haul things for truck repair funds. And I know she has the power to, I dunno, pull a tree out with a chain?

Email Me LOL

Thanks for Reading,

-c


When I picked my kid up from school she told the teacher in the line “that’s my mommy’s née big beautiful truck!”


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