Tag Archives: friends

BMB: Story Time

02 Saturday Jul 2022

Posted by in BMB, Non-Fiction, Uncategorized

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Today’s Blog was going to be a “Draft Day” post, but to be honest, my head wasn’t in the game. So I thought I’d share a story from today.

But first some Backstory

I used to work with a woman named Patty. I can share her name here, cause reasons. Patty was, well, you know how people say, “Older people are set in their ways”? Well, Patty knew what she would tolerate and what she wouldn’t. Patty had good and bad qualities, as we all do.

Patty, once she learned that I had a degree in education, wanted me to get back into teaching. This was when I wasn’t so far removed from the profession that it would be like teaching a caveman how to twitter. She even provided a reference for me, for the single solitary time I interviewed for a teaching position (we all know how that worked out). Also, Patty was a teacher before she worked in retail.

Whatever Patty may or may not have been, she had a big heart when she opened it up to people. If she liked you, you knew it. Sometimes.

Anywho

I was doing some price changes retail related tasks when I heard a voice. “There she is.” I turned my head to see not one but two former coworkers. Lets call them Mildred Lane and Opal. If you know who I’m talking about that could be hilarious. Anyway, apparently these two were out and about running errands. If this is what retired former retail coworkers do then sign me up.

Anyway, Mildred Lane was talking about me when she’d said, “There she is.” Mildred Lane, who is Patty’s twin sister, had retired about a year ago because an injury that wouldn’t quite heal, I think. Opal, I think, had just had enough of Retail Establishment’s nonsense, and had retired about the same time.

Mildred Lane had something for me. She had found it when going through Patty’s things. You see, Patty, had always been kind of quiet about anything she was really struggling with, health wise. I think she was just raised to not talk about things like that. But after retiring (she retired a few years before these two had) her health went downhill quickly. I don’t know the details, but she passed last year.

While I wasn’t super close with Patty, and some of my memories of her weren’t always positive, there is one thing I will absolutely never forget about Patty. She LOVED my baby. She was so happy for me when I found out I was pregnant, she got us baby shower gifts, and she even got The Kid gifts for Christmas. One of her favorite books, “The Night Before Christmas” is from Patty.

One Christmas, during my first polymer clay phase, I made Patty this cat, modeled after what I thought her beloved cat looked like. He looks a little like a child made him but by golly I thought it looked good. And Patty seemed to like it.

But I knew what this thing was that Mildred Lane had for me. She’d been in the store just a short while after Patty passed. She told me she found this thing she had for me and needed to bring it to me.

And here she was, handing me a blue grocery bag with what I knew was a picture of my baby. Literally, a picture of baby The Kid. In a frame.

Baby The Kid, circa 1,000 years ago. In a Snow White dress. I still have that somewhere.

I remember the day the picture was taken, vaguely. I remember Patty asked me if she could take her picture, and she then proceeded to take it to the photo center and have a copy printed off. She’d told me she was going to frame it.

Now, I realize to an outsider this might sound kinda creepy. But at this stage I had known and worked closely with Patty for the better part of five years or more. She went from being someone I was a bit intimidated by (literally everyone for me for a long time) to someone “you just need to know how to handle”.

But the fact that Patty had a picture of my kid, framed, in her home, well, I think it would make anyone feel good to know that someone you know loves your child.

I told The Kid about someone bringing me something, and I showed her that it was the picture. She got a little emotional, I think. Even though she probably doesn’t remember Patty much, I have told her about her before. She said exactly what I knew she’d say. “I’m going to keep it in my room!” And she did. It is by her bed as she sleeps right now. HOLY CRAP ITS ALMOST MIDNIGHT.

Turned things around, a little.

I had been having a bad day. I had a bad day yesterday, and today had been shaping up to be about the same. This is both all my fault and not at all my fault. But when someone brought me a framed picture of my own child, a picture that someone chose to display and possibly look upon daily, well then, that pushed my day gently in the opposite direction.

I mean, it still sucked. But, slightly less.

Thanks for Reading.

-c

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Some Realizations

21 Tuesday Jun 2022

Posted by in Non-Fiction, Truth

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Just a personal reminder.

  • Not everyone likes you: you are not everyone’s cup of tea. Despite the ferocity with which you attempt to be who each individual wants you to be, you will never be liked by everyone. You can stop adapting their phrases.
  • People come and go: there won’t always be people to stick around in your life. This is not referencing death. This is: people have their own lives and it won’t include you.
  • Family isn’t always a “be all, end all”: just because there is blood, there is not always bond.
  • You are not “on that level” with anyone: you might think you’re close enough to someone to be on their list of people who need to know things. But you, most likely, are not.
  • You can’t make something out of nothing: if you think you have all the ingredients for something special, you’re probably missing something. And that thing cannot be made without the right ingredients. Friendships, relationships, bread, hopes, dreams. They take work. And sometimes the involvement of another person. Not bread tho. Mmm carbs.
  • You cannot control everything: you can control yourself (mostly. Leg cramps are a bonkers way for your body to tell you you’re not the boss) and sometimes your kid. But there’s a whole mess of people and things in the world that are not under your control. Just sigh and move on.
  • The most important person to love you is you. If you cannot love yourself, how can anyone else?
  • Self care is important: sometimes it’s a good face mask and a warm bath. Sometimes is a cool room, two blankets, and a midday nap. Sometimes it’s a secluded place in the middle of a forest where you can scream your guts out. Take care of yourself, regardless.
  • You are to blame for your mistakes: maybe you made some bad decisions. Like “taking six months off and getting a retail job instead of looking for a teaching job and now your stuck in retail because nothing else pays what you make now, even a job in a school setting”. Or maybe you stole something I guess? Or you decided to impulse buy a truck after getting your hair done because you suddenly had confidence and said truck is slowly deteriorating and you’re stuck with it for four more years? I dunno. But you know who to blame.
  • Find a shining light and hold on to it: perhaps it’s the one thing you love above all else (The Kid), perhaps it’s a hobby that brings you joy, a pet that is always happy to see you. That thing, whatever it may be, can bring you out of a dark day. And it’s a glorious feeling.
  • There is ALWAYS someone who will listen: a close friend, a sister, a stranger on the internet (Put A Finger Down trend on Tick Tack is a perfect example). There will always be someone who will listen. So you don’t always have to horde your problems to yourself. Someone will take your problems from you and give you kindness back. Why the heck do you think I come here?

Over the last month, I’ve had my back go out (basically three times), I’ve had a head cold and laryngitis turn into severe sinus issues, steroid prescribed by a doctor gave me almost constant muscle cramps and pain for three days. I’ve felt like I’m not good enough, fast enough, or doing anything right at work. Not to mention the fact that it’s been impossible to scream-sing to the music in my truck because my voice has been out (listen, it helps me relieve stress ok).

And you can’t forget that TeacherTok (is that a thing) just reminds me of my failures and how badly I still want to teach even though I know I never will. I am slowly coming to that realization.

The Pretend Fantasy Novel is moving so slow, mostly because of everything else draining my battery. I’m exhausted.

And here I am, so tired I’ve got one eye open because the other wants to drift off to Pluto, typing out a “train of thought” blog in order to vent. At 11:00pm.

I come here with my nonsense because (a) I pay for it. But (2) putting it out into the void, even if no one will read it, helps. I’m sharing it with, well, the imaginative friend that’s always there. It’s not just in my head anymore. It’s… somewhere.

There are so many things I could say. But I won’t. Because even if I haven’t had my melatonin, I’m about ready to fall asleep. So goodnight my friends. Until next time. Maybe it’ll be better!

Thanks for reading!

-c

I have tried…

11 Saturday Sep 2021

Posted by in Friendship, Mental Health, Non-Fiction

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…And tried and tried a million times to write a blog post conveying what is going on inside my head.

For example: I’m paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back. Like EVERYONE AT WORK. They are all in on it. But some of them think they need to laugh harder at my jokes. Or some of them just don’t talk to me anymore. Maybe some of them are trying to ruin me.

Maybe they think I’m a thief.

I’m not I hate thieves.

Or also, I feel like I don’t have any friends anymore. Like, I’m someone’s friend when it’s convenient or the people who really want to be my friends are far away and just have closer friends.

Anyway I almost had a mental breakdown the other day

Maybe it was a mild one? I couldn’t not cry at the songs I was scream-singing to in the truck on the way home. Anyway it was happening. And now I’m starting to get depressed. It’s creeping up on me, like a leopard stalking it’s prey. If I sit and think too long about what’s happening around me I either panic/get anxious, get depressed, or get angry.

No matter what happens I know I would never kill myself

There is no question. I refuse to leave my child without a mother and my husband without a spouse (honestly this child wouldn’t sleep with him if I were desperate for sleep, I don’t know how he’d parent without me lol).

Plus I utterly fear death. And don’t say it’s because I haven’t gotten right with God, leave him outta this he knows what he did/didn’t do (I’m kidding). But the question of the unknown scares the ever loving

Poop

Out of me. So, I refuse to shuffle off this mortal coil until my child is grown and thriving on her own (or at least until she’s sleeping in her own bed).

I never imagined I would ever consider myself to be depressed or have anxiety until I was an adult.

Because when you’re an adult you see/read/encounter more adult things than you do as a kid or teen. And the bulk of humanity has been trying to normalize mental health issues over the last several years. For positive reasons. And I realized that I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression my whole life. I never recognized it because my family did not have the luxury of being able to afford to see a professional.

Not that my mom wouldn’t have made it work if she thought myself or my siblings needed it. And I can guarantee ALL of us need some kind of help, especially now.

My theory is that no one I know actually reads my posts.

Unless they involve free fiction. Or something that could benefit them. I’ve limited my Facebook of late, and I highly doubt a single person on my friends list, or even in my Facebook page, has even glanced at the titles of my blog posts (which post automatically to my page).

I could probably say whatever I wanted about anything here and no one I really know would even know. Something like

I killed a man.

Fictionally. Several actually.

Sorry. I didn’t have the nerve.

How about: I secretly believe no one actually likes me they just humor me for the hell of it and I think I’d rather someone look me in the eyes and say “I don’t like you all that well”. And walk away. I would cry a little but eventually I’d get over it. I’m an adult after all. Semi-functional, but an adult none-the-less.

Thanks for reading!

-c

Someone once said they think I’m bipolar. I didn’t have doubts.

Defenestration 

23 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in Non-Fiction

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It’s always hard when you realize you’ll never be as important to someone as someone else is. 

You confirmed what I think I already knew. 

We had fun last year, and I’ll miss working with you (both) again this year. 

But I understand. 

Please allow me to move on. I won’t bother you or take up any of your time. 

Thank you. 

-c

Unfinished Business: A VSF Tale

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Friendship, Non-Fiction, Unfinished Business, Very Short Fiction

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Some of my readers may remember when I was doing a feature called “Very Short Fiction” a few years ago. I stopped running the series because I was working on a story and happened to write myself into a hole. 

I’ve done this quite a few times since I’ve been writing, and it often happens with ideas I’ve fallen in love with. With the “Very Short Fiction” series, the stories were dedicated to, inspired by, and starring actual people–friends. So  getting stuck feels even worse. 

I’ve never forgotten about the unfinished “VSF” and it haunts me to this day. 

But now I have an idea. And since I’m at a pause in “Black Pines” I think I’ll start writing on this new  story idea. 

So, to Renae, I’m sorry I forgot you, thank you for loving Black Friday and wanting to share it with the world, and I promise I’ll make it up to you.

 I also already have a title: “Rapids”. I’ll get to writing and post as soon as I am able. 

 As always, thanks for reading. 

-c

“Friends” vs friends.

31 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Rant

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Yes, indeed, the capitalization means something. It means a lot. Especially when the word “list” follows.

Who in BOB’s name makes lists of friends? Actual, human, face-to-face relationships with people?

I’m finding it harder and harder to think of “online only” people as friends. Real friends. Granted I have real friends who are also on my Facebook friends list, but those are people I have seen in person, without a phone or wifi signal connecting us.

Sure, I’ve emailed my best friend more in the last six months than seen her in person, but again, we are actual living humans who work and require sustenance, clothing, and roofs over our head. So, life gets in the way. But we both fully and completely understand that things happen.

I’m learning to understand that conversations with people, held only via a tiny glowing screen with letters instead of voices are not a worthy and reliable form of human contact. Or a formable and meaningful sign of friendship. They are meaningless and worthless in every way.

There is no way to know if a person is sincere or truthful in there words. There’s no voice to reassure, no hint of emotional or physical contact to be gained through these conversations.

Someday I’ll have the guts to say things like this to the people who truly need to hear it.

Until then I will relegate my frustrations to a tiny glowing screen with letters to type instead of words to speak.

Goodnight
-c Continue reading →