Tag Archives: illness

Some Realizations

21 Tuesday Jun 2022

Posted by in Non-Fiction, Truth

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Just a personal reminder.

  • Not everyone likes you: you are not everyone’s cup of tea. Despite the ferocity with which you attempt to be who each individual wants you to be, you will never be liked by everyone. You can stop adapting their phrases.
  • People come and go: there won’t always be people to stick around in your life. This is not referencing death. This is: people have their own lives and it won’t include you.
  • Family isn’t always a “be all, end all”: just because there is blood, there is not always bond.
  • You are not “on that level” with anyone: you might think you’re close enough to someone to be on their list of people who need to know things. But you, most likely, are not.
  • You can’t make something out of nothing: if you think you have all the ingredients for something special, you’re probably missing something. And that thing cannot be made without the right ingredients. Friendships, relationships, bread, hopes, dreams. They take work. And sometimes the involvement of another person. Not bread tho. Mmm carbs.
  • You cannot control everything: you can control yourself (mostly. Leg cramps are a bonkers way for your body to tell you you’re not the boss) and sometimes your kid. But there’s a whole mess of people and things in the world that are not under your control. Just sigh and move on.
  • The most important person to love you is you. If you cannot love yourself, how can anyone else?
  • Self care is important: sometimes it’s a good face mask and a warm bath. Sometimes is a cool room, two blankets, and a midday nap. Sometimes it’s a secluded place in the middle of a forest where you can scream your guts out. Take care of yourself, regardless.
  • You are to blame for your mistakes: maybe you made some bad decisions. Like “taking six months off and getting a retail job instead of looking for a teaching job and now your stuck in retail because nothing else pays what you make now, even a job in a school setting”. Or maybe you stole something I guess? Or you decided to impulse buy a truck after getting your hair done because you suddenly had confidence and said truck is slowly deteriorating and you’re stuck with it for four more years? I dunno. But you know who to blame.
  • Find a shining light and hold on to it: perhaps it’s the one thing you love above all else (The Kid), perhaps it’s a hobby that brings you joy, a pet that is always happy to see you. That thing, whatever it may be, can bring you out of a dark day. And it’s a glorious feeling.
  • There is ALWAYS someone who will listen: a close friend, a sister, a stranger on the internet (Put A Finger Down trend on Tick Tack is a perfect example). There will always be someone who will listen. So you don’t always have to horde your problems to yourself. Someone will take your problems from you and give you kindness back. Why the heck do you think I come here?

Over the last month, I’ve had my back go out (basically three times), I’ve had a head cold and laryngitis turn into severe sinus issues, steroid prescribed by a doctor gave me almost constant muscle cramps and pain for three days. I’ve felt like I’m not good enough, fast enough, or doing anything right at work. Not to mention the fact that it’s been impossible to scream-sing to the music in my truck because my voice has been out (listen, it helps me relieve stress ok).

And you can’t forget that TeacherTok (is that a thing) just reminds me of my failures and how badly I still want to teach even though I know I never will. I am slowly coming to that realization.

The Pretend Fantasy Novel is moving so slow, mostly because of everything else draining my battery. I’m exhausted.

And here I am, so tired I’ve got one eye open because the other wants to drift off to Pluto, typing out a “train of thought” blog in order to vent. At 11:00pm.

I come here with my nonsense because (a) I pay for it. But (2) putting it out into the void, even if no one will read it, helps. I’m sharing it with, well, the imaginative friend that’s always there. It’s not just in my head anymore. It’s… somewhere.

There are so many things I could say. But I won’t. Because even if I haven’t had my melatonin, I’m about ready to fall asleep. So goodnight my friends. Until next time. Maybe it’ll be better!

Thanks for reading!

-c

Hi, Robin!

11 Saturday Jun 2022

Posted by in Make Someone Smile, Mental Health, Non-Fiction

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This post is about how sometimes we do things to make other people smile, because it makes us feel good.

My own mom died four years ago. I miss her terribly and I think of her constantly. In my dreams she’s almost always alive. Sometimes she’s sick. Sometimes she happy. Once in a while she’s mad at me.

I work with a girl named Abby. She’s a good kid. She friendly and fun to talk too. Abby doesn’t drive so her mom brings her too and from work, and has been for ages.

Abby’s mom’s name is Robin. Robin reminds me of my mom. She’s friendly and always seems bright when I see her.

Turns out she has been parking behind me for ages. Abby and I work the same shift, so we get off around the same time. Nine times out of ten, I’m late, but once in a while I see the both as I’m leaving work.

It quickly became a silly inside joke that Robin always parks behind me if the space is open. So I told Abby one day, “You know what? I’m gonna use my Cricut, and I’m gonna make a sticker for the back of my truck that says, ‘Hi, Robin!’“

Abby said she’s get a kick out of it. I don’t know if Abby thought I’d actually do it.

But I did. I cut the sticker about a week ago, when I was making my own earring cards. I already had the Cricut out so I figured I’d do it.

I remembered to put it on yesterday. Abby didn’t work yesterday. I saw her today.

“Abby, let me show you something.” I showed her the sticker on the truck. She laughed and said her mom would love it (Robin likes frogs). I told her to be sure to let me know her reaction.

This evening, I was talking to my nephews, who showed up at my work, and Abby walked up. Apparently, she had something to show me.

Robin and videoed herself reacting to the sticker. The video was basically of the back of my truck and the sticker, with her giggling and gleeful in the background. I think all three of us were ecstatic over the whole thing.

Of course, some random stranger is gonna wonder, “why in the world?!” But it’ll be our inside joke.

Here’s the kicker.

Yesterday, I gave my mind permission to dwell intrusively on my past mistakes and failures. The combination of that and having been sick for a week or more, and back issues for three weeks, I was most definitely in a bad place.

I was to the point where I was being short with The Kid, and looking back, even hours later after she’d gone to bed I felt terrible about it.

To be honest I just wanted nothing more than to crawl in a cave and never come out. That way all the things that trigger me wouldn’t be a factor.

But then, the next day, I made someone happy. I made someone smile. I did that. I can do something, and that something, is make someone smile. It’s a little thing, yes. But it’s something, and despite still being sick (I have medicine now), I made my entire evening.

So, go out. Make someone smile. I bet you’ll feel good too.

Thanks for reading.

-c

It only took two years

21 Friday Jan 2022

Posted by in Non-Fiction

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And I honestly wouldn’t have known had we not taken my child to the doctor.

I Wish It’d Been Longer

Two days ago, Wednesday, one of my days off of my day job, The Kid woke up sounding mildly stuffy and needing to clear her throat here and there. This isn’t always unusual, as she has allergy issues.

I myself have been sick for what feels like four straight weeks now. My symptoms have included what mostly just feels like my typical head cold. Then one morning a week ago or so, I woke up with a sore throat I couldn’t shake.

These things are KILLER for a sore throat. And they don’t taste terrible!

Now, I’ve tried extremely hard to not give whatever crud I had to my child’s. But when the sore throat rolled up, I assumed it was strep and that I had to be super serious.

But that morning she was stuffy and hoarse, she had NTI day for school. For the uninitiated that’s “Non-Traditional Day” for when in-person is cancelled. Like for weather. And during that, she asked for a blanket.

She NEVER asks for a blanket. When it was over she took said blanket and crawled back in bed. She spent hours there watching YouTube. And this child who prefers to live in her underpants, did not remove even her socks.

So, I messaged her dad and mentioned this. Initially I was going to give it a day. I’d felt like garbage and didn’t want to leave the house. But when I realized she might feel cold because of a fever, I decided we needed to get her in.

They symptoms we have the doctor office here vague. Slight fever, runny nose, clearing her throat and coughing. And she was lethargic. So they asked if we wanted to do a covid test. Just in case.

It was easier than I thought it’d be—none of the three of us had been tested—and it only took a second. But she has some anxiety issues, so it was stressful.

Please note: my husband and I have both been vaccinated. I had Moderna, and he had Johnson & Johnson. We are still nervous about the vaccine for our less that ten year old. I don’t think I’m on the fence anymore.

But in less that ten minutes they were back in the room confirming that she had covid. Which meant that I probably gave it to her, as I’d been sick for a while. And her dad had just started developing symptoms.

COVID-19

Or “Name Brand” Crud(TM)

Luckily, none of us have had any issues breathing. The Hubs does have asthma and allergy issues, which are under control with medication. The kid takes an OTC allergy med.

I tested positive later that evening. The hubby hasn’t taken a test yet but, I mean, duh. We’ve been quarantined since that (Wednesday) evening, and I only get five days of leave (despite the health department telling us to quarantine for seven).

So far, out of the three of us, The Kid seems to be feeling the best. She had the fever, stuffy/runny nose, and cough. She hasn’t complained of any other issues. The fever was done with her that night, and wanted to play made-up games (tiny boxing?!) with me just a few hours ago.

The Hubs seems to be stuffy with a cough. He hasn’t mentioned any other symptoms as of yet. Headache I think.

Me? Oh I still feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. Have since the first week of January. But I feel like the truck is slightly smaller today. My throat is less sore than it was, but it usually worsens at night (I’m about to go to bed). Still coughing and my ears hurt and my head hurts if I’m not careful. Oh and I’m dizzy.

The Issue

If my child hadn’t gotten sick, that tiny change in normalcy for her, I wouldn’t have assumed I had covid. I wouldn’t have gotten tested. I assumed I had a persistent head cold/sinus infection/strep. Usually when I get sick, really sick, not just allergies, I stay sick until my body decides, “okay fine you’ve suffered enough”.

Is it because I’m too lazy to see a doctor? Probably.

Is it because I have anxiety about going places I don’t usually go? Probably.

Is it because I think: “I’ll be fine eventually”? Probably.

Is it because I am a woman and like all the women before me I inherently believe that I’ve got too much to do to give in to being sick and I’ll just have to work through it? More than likely.

My mother had four children. All born within four years. She didn’t take a lot of time out for herself, even when she was sick. She waiting until her children were grown to take care of herself and by then it was too late to turn her health around in a positive way.

If I hadn’t taken the time to listen to my kid and see that yes she was sick, I would have went right back to work the next day, taking all manner of over-the-counter meds for cold and flu (and that ten month old bottle of antibiotics my husband hadn’t touched last April). I would have also bought all kinds of OTC meds for her (thank BOB she doesn’t mind the Sudafed liquid the doctor recommended).

Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Feel Terrible

I brought covid into my home. I gave it to my child. I gave it to my husband. I was afraid for a moment I gave it to my sister and her family. They all tested negative this time (they had it in August, I happily executed multiple socially distanced “Operation Dumbo Drop” missions to their driveway for supplies).

All I can do at this stage is be thankful that my child, who is a sturdy, strong soul, hasn’t had any worse symptoms. She has gotten to sleep in my bed two nights (after about forty in her own), so she’s definitely not complaining.

The Hubs, well, he hasn’t complained much yet. He knew I’d been feeling like “hot stinking garbage” for a while, so I think he doesn’t want to rain on my pity party. But we check in on each other but make The Kid our priority.

Thank you

To all those people who have checked up on us since learning we were infected, offered to do a porch drop off (we don’t need anything. I just want Pepsi and peanut m&ms). And just generally wanted to make sure The Kid was okay (she’s number one). We appreciate all the kindness.

Thanks for reading!

-c