Tag Archives: life

The Path of Least Resistance

02 Thursday Feb 2023

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I’ve realized I’ve begun to base my life around how many days until my next day off. I was just off a day. My next day off is in three days. I literally just had a day off.

The fact that I am at the phase, or point or stage or whatever of my life that I am basing my life around when I don’t have to work is disappointing. Starting the countdown over again after a day off.

I do not work the same schedule as typical Americans. The average schedule is 9-5 Monday through Friday. The good ol’ 9-5. You hear it in movies and tv shows, newspapers and books and magazines. But not me, no.

I’m a lowly retail worker. We don’t close at 5 or 6 on Friday and open back up at 8 or 9 on Monday. Hour current store hours are 6am to 11pm seven days a week. I’m lucky enough to have gotten, after almost fourteen long years, a stable schedule working the same time every day. But I don’t get weekend off unless I ask for it. And even then it has to be approved my management.

Now, I already know that this living “day off to day off” is a symptom of not loving my job. While there are aspects of my job I do enjoy, and several I have grown to love appreciate, I do not love my job, either parts of it or it’s entirety.

This is a fact of life for many Americans. The majority of which (which I am a part of) simply cannot afford a career change, for one reason or another. So they are stuck in the path they have made and cannot fathom divergence from it.

Personally, I made some decisions early on and over the course of multiple years that led me to not leaving this path.

Think of it like this: you’re young and walking along a road. For several miles it is one lane, one direction. And then suddenly the road widens. Then signs up ahead warn you adulthood is approaching. Once you reach, more signs. Signs telling you “this way for higher education” whether that be trade school or college.

But the path varies for each individual. After college my path divided. Warning signs stated, “try for texting jobs ahead” and “take time off”. Guess which path I chose?

Then there was the marriage path. And then, again, “try to teach” and “job. Now.” I didn’t want my new husband to have to keep paying my student loan payment.

And after that the rest doesn’t matter. Because I quickly passed the detours for teaching and never realized until too late that I’d run out of chances. Except that once, when I interviewed for a teaching position. But honestly at that point the road was out.

Now, the only exits I have will keep me on the same track in the same state. Sure, there is always the potential to attempt a new route to the same destination. And that’s frankly the only option I have to have nicer scenery.

The fact is, I know if I take another route I won’t be happier. I’ll still be on the same level of life that I am now. Aspects will improve but, as has been said, with great power comes great responsibility. The situation doesn’t change, it’s just a little shinier. There’s still rust underneath.

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow.

27 Tuesday Dec 2022

Posted by in Non-Fiction, personal

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So here are all the things I could tell him about but probably won’t

My gynecologist told me to ask him about some diabetes drug because it’s shown a lot of potential as a weight loss drug.

I don’t go to her because of my weight. I go to her so I can satisfy the yearly requirement to have my pap smeared so I can get the renewed prescription for the birth control that’s keeping me from getting cancer. Supposedly. Also it keeps me from having Aunt Flo visit for shark week every month.

I don’t actively try to lose weight because I’m actively trying not to throw myself from a bridge just to see if I could fly away. Yes I know what the actual outcome of that experiment would be. I’m not completely delusional.

I could also tell them that despite the fact that he told me to “wait and see” instead of prescribing me an anxiety medication, I was dealing with a lot of stress and mood issues so I bought and OTC supplement called SAMe without doing research first.

I only took three mostly because I wasn’t gonna take it on my day off and it fell off my bedside table into the black whole that exists in the floor between it, the wall, and the bed.

I could tell him that my whole body hurts most of the time but we’d end up circling back the the weight issue and then we’d end up right at the jumping off a bridge thing.

I could tell him about the pain in my back that’s definitely not my back and most likely not the “you don’t eat enough fiber” issue that he claimed it was last time. But he’d probably tell me, “drink more water and take MORE fiber.”

I AM probably gonna tell him, no, I’ve not been following his recommendations because if I do all the things he tells me to in one day, more than two days in a row, they have the right effect but in the absolute extreme way, and I don’t need that either.

I WILL tell him do my own form of what he suggested and supplement as needed.

Why am I gonna not tell him any of these things?

Because it doesn’t matter. Nothing, in fact, matters. At the end of the day there’s still going to be a long list of problems that cannot be fixed by a prescription and some yearly blood work. In fact, most of my issues will not show up in bloodwork.

The localized pain in my head that happens sometimes when I bend over sometimes when I strain and sometimes when I’m tired but also sometimes when I’m just sitting still minding my own business. The swelling in my legs and feet, the muscle cramps the exhaustion.

I’ve only ever always had basically fine bloodwork. I’ve had X-rays in my back, my knees. Never in my ankles though I wonder what they’d see .

To be honest I don’t remember when this appointment was scheduled, it could have been the last time I saw him. But I also had an appoint in, like, October, that I legit slept through. I didn’t wanna go anyway.

I’m tired. I wanna be happier, I wanna be healthier. I want to be a better mom. I want to be glad to wake up in the morning just to do the same thing every single day.

I want I want I want I want.

I hope tomorrow’s post is more interesting

Use Your Voice

06 Tuesday Dec 2022

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Unless it bothers someone else.

I am not delusional enough to think that this little nonsensical blog of mine will ever amount to anything of value or worth. First and foremost, people just don’t read anymore. If they want to learn something on the internet they do it by googling a YouTube video where someone can tell them about it. I’m not judging, I do it myself.

But I know that posting every day for as many days in a row as I can is not benefiting me or anyone else. People I know and/or am related to in some way don’t even read the thing.

When I first started writing this post, I was going to say, “if I say what I’m really feeling it would piss someone off.” But as no one read this it wouldn’t matter. But I’m going to refrain anyway.

I know I’m not good at this. I don’t use big, flowery language, I don’t wax poetic on topics important to the world. I intentionally typo and use made up nonsense words half the time.

I’m also not a good wife or housekeeper. My house is a disaster because I work a full time job and my body has been slowing giving up on my for a decade. I’m probably not a good mother either. In fact I worry daily that she is somehow damaged because I’m her mother.

I am in fact damaged myself so it would be natural.

I’m not a good friend because I believe that if something feels one sided it is and there’s no point in putting in the effort if it’s not matched.

I’m not a good daughter because I’ve talked to my father one time in six months. It’s not because I don’t want too it’s because I’m lazy and hate phone calls. I love the old man, despite is silly old man ways, but I’m not good at being a daughter.

I’m not a good sister because I often feel like I’m being a bother and I don’t want to annoy people. Actually that’s 90% of my personality.

I constantly feel like I’m being annoying or weird or bothering someone.

I am cursed with big ideas and little of what it takes to make them reality.

I make promises I can’t keep.

I’m burdened with the idea that no one likes me but also wanting to be liked. Everyone wants to be liked, they can’t say they don’t. But I don’t like myself most days, how can anyone else like me?

One of my biggest fears is veering off the road and into the river to drown. I cannot swim. And the river is cold and people have died in that river. I’ve had nightmares about it.

But I’ve had moments where I wondered if everyone’s lives would be easier if the river and I finally met with violence and it took me on its endless in its endless depths.

But I prefer the cave in the mountains with WiFi and no people. Ah yes, sweet solitude.

More often than not people refuse to use their words. They don’t stand up for the cause, their cause. Themselves. They don’t open their mouths when they are about to explode. Instead they let themselves explode. It kills them or they kill themselves.

And then the people around them are the ones who suffer.

Unburden yourself. Lighten your load, release it into the abyss and onto someone else. Your words though not violence. Just thought I should clear that up. Speak it out. Write it down. Give it away.

There’s always someone who wants to listen, someone who’d prefer you don’t explode or implode.

For now, I will shut my pie hole. I will silence myself and my disastrous chaos. I will not burden the six different people who read this blog, different people each time really. Actually no one will read this as it is not fiction and will not have a popular tag.

But wait! Hark! The Harold angels sing! What. You’re not getting out that easy! I refuse to stop posting daily! Death or dismemberment against my will shall be the only cause of the cessation (I had to Google the spelling) of these posts. Because like my mother and father before me I am STUBBORN by Bob!

It’s going to get wild, and hairy, but here I shall remain.

Now it’s time to get my kid to bed.

Goodnight!

Things I would do if I were rich

04 Sunday Dec 2022

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While I have recently written a post about how having too much money makes a person lose their grip on reality, it seems I am in a constant state of not having enough money. So logically the only thing I can think of is all the things I would do if I had enough money to not have to worry about not having enough money. So, a list. This list shall include what I would do if I suddenly had money and what I would do with said money over time.

  • I would first pay off all of my debt. This is currently about $22,000
  • I would buy my husband and I new cars. Within reason, of course. I wouldn’t drop a bunch on a new Lambo for him or anything.
  • I would pay off the house. We’ve lived in it for thirteen years now, and he’s paid the payment. I don’t know how much said payment is, and I don’t know how much we still owe. But I would 1000% take care of that nonsense.
  • I would obviously take care of the necessary repairs on the thing. I need a new roof, if I’ve not mentioned that.
  • I would set aside money for my child in a savings account. This would be used for whatever she needed it for in the future.
  • I would start a small business.
    • This has been a pipe dream of mine for some time. I would either buy a building or a piece of property and build a building for this small business.
    • It would be a place for me to make and sell jewelry, resin and clay crafts, and other things I’ve wanted to do over the years.
    • I would also have my own private office space where I could work and write and all the things I don’t get to do in this universe.
    • I’ve also imagined owning a large building, like an old grocery store, and dividing it up into workspaces for people to rent out. They could make their craft or preform their service and there would be a storefront where everyone could sell their products. There would also be a coffee shop and baked goods and sandwiches. And maybe a book nook/bookstore.
  • There would be a significant portion of my money that I mysteriously came into possession of donated to charity, either by way of an already established one or one I created on my own.

Now, don’t look at me and say, “Crystal, dreams come true if you just work hard and—“

Shoosh, just shoosh. I don’t care what we were told growing up and what I now realize I have told my child on multiple occasions. It takes way more than working hard to make dreams come true. Dedication, willpower, energy, and there is one other thing I can’t remember… OH WAIT MONEY. I have $17 in my bank account right now.

And to be perfectly honest with you, I am only here right now, writing this post because I told myself, “No, Crystal. Regardless of whether anyone reads this blog or not, seeing how many days in a row you could post is a personal challenge, not a challenge set and monitored by anyone else. You are going to make a post even if you have to sound absolutely bonkers doing it.”

Plus, I really like seeing that little notification pop up telling me what day of the streak I am on (this should be day seventeen, ironically). I’m probably going to take a screenshot of it and add it to the post, post posting. Wait.

Anywho, I am a long way off before I beat my record. I think, there were some Glitches with Birthday Month Blogs and it didn’t pick them all up right. That was 31 posts.

I have no idea what’s coming in the next few posts, I didn’t know what has going on with this one. Until I realized that if I closed my eyes for too long, I would fall asleep. I’ve only blinked like three times the entirety of this post.

If you’ve stuck around through this entire post, I salute you. If you’ve read a single one of my posts in, well, ever, Fist bump yourself for me. I appreciate it. My husband doesn’t even read them.

Goodnight.

Oh wait don’t leave yet!

If you observed The Drawing Challenge Post, my niece chose a duck. She’s the only one who comments on my youtube.

Also, eventually I’m gonna make a sticker out of the sunflower. I post about that soon too.

Here’s what’s gonna happen.

13 Saturday Aug 2022

Posted by in Non-Fiction, Unfinished Business

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With… with the website that is.

After Birthday Month Blogs and doing this blogging/writing/chaos thing for 30 days in a row, I feel like I’ve been slacking. I mean, I’ve published exactly two posts since the last day of BMB.

And despite the fact that I now know and understand that I won’t make any money off this blog/website, I still want to be here. So I’m developing a game plan.

Randomized Fiction

My first RF since the end of BMB was a total flop (meaning it’s still sitting unfinished in my drafts), the idea I had for it was *chefs kiss* but the switch in my brain got flipped into long form mode instead of short. I don’t want to bore you with it.

But since it’s not in high demand I’m going to work on it at post at my leisure. Which means I’ll probably put it off until I feel absolutely terrible and rush out some for awful crap BUT I’m gonna try to have it out by next Friday (8/19) when it would have been on Spotify.

That’s not to say it’s not still in my head. It’s there. Oh how it’s there.

BUT Randomized Fiction will still be a thing, at least until I get through all the options on the wheels. Then we will see.

Pretend Fantasy Novel

I’m going to start actively working on it next week. Well maybe Monday (8/15). What that means is posting regular updates (my definition of regular) to the FB page/group and polls. One of the first orders of business is AN ACTUAL TITLE. As with everything PFN related, it will be chosen via polls. All of said polls will be found on FB. Links will be added at the bottom of the page.

Premium Content

While any actual writing done in the PFN will be shared with the twelve main contributors to the FB Group, it will be available for wider release for sure in book and kindle book form.

But I plan on choosing one other long term project to focus on, in addition to PFN. This project will be shared chapter by chapter solely as premium content. This means that there will be pay wall where someone who wants to read the story gives me money and they are granted access.

This will not be like PFN in that a select few get the story for free. Since it will not be a community project, I don’t have that “they helped write it, they deserve early access” thing. It will, however, eventually be self-published, like PFN.

The title that I’ll be starting will be determined by…

Guess.

No go on. Guess!

YOU GUESSED IT!

As will ALL of my polls they’ll take place on my Facebook page.

I will first write up individual proposals for each story. I’ll ask the group to read them and after they’ve all been shared, I’ll post the poll. There will be at least three proposals, perhaps more.

The Pretend Fantasy Novel, the Mystery Project, and Randomized Fiction will be my only fictional projects until further notice. Unless I have some random inspiration and write my little heart out.

Other Content

I’m going to try do so more “weird news” content, like GIANT AFRICAN LAND SNAILS. I really get a kick out of those. And general nonsense. Also, I’d like to do another “You Don’t Need…” I’m thinking of turning that series into podcasts episodes as well.

All Randomized Fiction will be available for listening on Spotify. Were I wealthier and could justify spending the money, I’d make them available on Apple Podcasts as well. But right now I talked myself out of a $22 sweater at Walmart cause I accidentally double paid my one of my credit card payments. So, like. Broke.

Anywho, that’s the rough draft of the plan right now. I’ll keep ya updated. Check the socials below for more accurate weather forecasts. Wait.

BMB: Draft Day: “Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do… but probably never will”

22 Friday Jul 2022

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Day 22: In which I take a draft post and make it publishable.

This post was last saved on August 11, 2016. I never finished it for whatever reason (mostly because I don’t finish things). But with some addendums and notes!

  1. Run a marathon (I’d probably have a heart attack)
  2. Get a tattoo (not brave enough to face the pain lol)
  3. Dye my hair purple (money and maintenance) – I have done this twice in two different ways. A few months before my mom died, I had my hair professionally bleached and had purple added in. More recently, meaning about two or three years ago, I purchased semi-permanent dye and “purpled” it.
  4. Visit a foreign country (need my passport)
  5. Go on a safari (goes with #4)
  6. Own a business (but like, what?)
  7. Go sailing (I can’t even swim): I HAVE ridden on a ferry to reach the lighthouse were we spread my mom’s ashes. It was a fun ride, but I’m not marking this one off yet!
  8. Have something I’ve written be really popular! (I’m not that good!) – define popular? Every once in a while, Black Friday: A Zombie Story pops back up.

And now for some additions.

  1. See the Aurora Borealis in person
  2. Touch an elephant. I know that wild animals should be left alone and not have unnecessary human interaction. Doesn’t mean I can’t want to. Just means I won’t.
  3. Learn to play an instrument. I own a ukulele. I don’t try. Maybe a series on the blog?
  4. Go on a cruise. Not to be confused with sailing, as above.
  5. Ride a horse. I have been bitten by a horse (apparently, he liked the smell of cigarette smoke–which wasn’t mine).
  6. See Pink live in concert.
  7. Make money doing something I love. Not just, “here’s five bucks for that pair of earrings” but “You can quit retail now, because you’re a writer!”

I used to talk to myself a lot about having pipe dreams. You know, dreams that aren’t worth anything but sending down a pipe. I know a lot of things I want to do are unattainable for someone like me. But a dream is something you have to distract you from the nonsense that surrounds you. And never let someone tell you not to dream. You do you, dude.

BMB: The Things I Use

21 Thursday Jul 2022

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Day 21: In which I discuss what programs, apps, and websites I use to do the things.

ProCreate for iPad

I use ProCreate for iPad to create a lot of different images. The BMB banner I’ve used at the top of all the posts was created with Procreate.

Gif before my truck stalled and Gif after my truck stalled. Spot the difference.

Canva Pro

I’ve used Canva Pro for a lot of the things you see on my blog. From video intros, to banners, to logos. Several book covers used here were made with Canva.

VideoLeap

After my first “I’m Crafty…” video I started using video leap for all of my video editing. I pay for a subscription to access all the features. It didn’t take a whole lot to figure it out, if you’ve worked with video editing before. My first “I’m Crafty…” was made entirely with iMovie, again, on iPad. Voice over was recorded with Voice Memo. Listen, I can’t afford to make this a career, and that means I can’t afford the fancy stuff. All my videos and images are taken with my iPhone.

Screen Recordings put together in Video Leap of choosing a randomly generated topic for a post. From Random Word Generator. lol

Cricut

I’ve used my Cricut and Cricut’s Design software to create a lot of things, from decals for cups I used to make, to decals for my truck. I also used Cricut to create my earring cards for my handmade jewelry. Listen those bad boys took me FOREVER. Because my printer is crap, I had a lot of things I had to do to make it work, and I may or may not have wasted a sheet or two of clear sticker paper.

One of the wheels for Randomized Fiction

Spin Wheel Decisions

Completely free wheel spinning app for (you guessed it) iPhone. Yes, it is ad supported but I wasn’t about to spend money on that.

Microsoft 365

Of course I use Microsoft 365. I use Word to edit any writing I do in bulk, like if I plan on self-publishing. I’m currently using One Note on my iPad to organize all my Pretend Fantasy Novel notes so I have them all in once place.

Frequently Used Websites

  • Random Word Generator: I used this with Randomized Fiction, and on “The Bug Catcher”. And to be honest I’ll probably use it again.
  • WordPress: Of course I have to mention WordPress. They’ve been my website host since before I had my own domain name. Pretty sure its been YEARS. To he honest I’ve considered other hosting services, because money. But it turns out I know wordpress pretty well and, honestly, I’ve put a lot of work in.

I’m Sure There’s More

But these are my most frequently used apps websites. I won’t even list social media, as well I spend to much time there anyway! For now, its time to sign off. Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting for tomrrow!

BMB: Monday Bloody Monday.

18 Monday Jul 2022

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Day 18

“Something terrible has happened.” I told my husband. Of course I warned him that the terrible thing isn’t terrible in the sense of, say, someone died. But terrible in the sense of, utter shock.

Against my will and best wishes I have been bluntly reminded that time stops for no man, and no matter how hard you wish to believe, things will change, and children will grow. Whether you like it or not.

My niece, the first female grandchild to be born into the family, has gotten her period.

Now, in ten or fifteen years, when she’s old enough to register that her wealthy, famous, philanthropic aunt (I’m pretending here) has a blog, and she’s spent a late night reading though the old archives of said blog, she will be utterly embarrassed that I told the internet she got her period. And I look forward to her cringe-face when she does.

Of course, unless you know either of us, you won’t know her name or anything about her other than her “coming of age”, as I intend. Except for, of course, her age. Which happens to be a part of the reason why I’m so distraught.

SHE’S HOW OLD?!

You see, she’s nine. NINE. NINE. FREAKING. YEARS. OLD. When did this start happening before a kid reached the decade mark?! I was at least 12, maybe 13. That was also a million years ago.

How is it a child’s body can become mature before they mature mentally. That isn’t to say she’s not smart, my niece. But she’s also a huge goofball, loud, and stubborn. Of course all that is natural in our line of women, but still. I can look at her and know she’s not ready for this.

And yet there is no magic pill or injection with yearly booster that can pause the development of a person until their brain reaches the right stage of growth. If anyone knows of such a thing still in R&D, hit me up. I have a pickle jar of change to lob at the nearest scientist.

And the simple fact that this country, this would, is not currently built with women, especially young fertile women, in mind, makes this all the more gut wrenching.

Of course my mind goes straight to the 10 year old who was raped and sought an abortion. The fact that the violation of a child barely a decade into life happened is one disgusting matter. But knowing that there are people out there who would rather risk the 10 year old’s life and force her to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, chills me to my core.

If some low life with a protruding part and an evil idea in his head chose to harm my niece, she could not only be a victim, but forced into that burden as well.

Not that, between myself, my sister, and my brother-in-law, the perpetrator would love to see another day. (Legally I feel like I should say that we are in no shape, form, or fashion, planning to, nor have we committed any sort of crime.)

Parents: educate your children

Male or female or whatever. Educate your kids. while I know my sister has already started the conversation well before “tragedy” struck, there’s still more to come.

Men and boys have it easy. The thought that my niece has to experience Aunt Flo’s monthly visit now and until menopause, makes my heart hurt for her. Boys don’t have to deal with it. They get the whole change of voice, they get taller, and facial hair that society doesn’t tell them is gross and should be promptly removed. Girls have to start buying special products that cost way more than something we have to have should.

My sister and I are talking about having a conversation with my niece, as women. I hope to be ready for it, so we can help her with this gawdawful transition.

It has occurred to me

That because of this new path she has to travel in life, and the small but evident age gap between them, she and my child, who have been so close, close enough for The Kid to call my niece her “best friend”, might grow apart. That’s not to say I think my niece will change overnight. But it’ll be an experience they cannot share in just yet.

It also reminds me that in roughly two years The Kid could be going though the same thing.

Hopefully by then I’m on sufficient amounts of medically prescribed “assistance” to get me through the whole thing.

BMB: I’m doing it again

16 Saturday Jul 2022

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Day like whatever. 16? Oh. 16

Hello and welcome back to “Oops Crystal Is Doing It Again”. The show where I let the tiniest seed of an idea slip into my head that I might still be able to be a teacher.

Ah yes. All the factors are there. Talking about teaching. That’s it. That’s all it takes. oh and Back-To-School has begun in Retail Establishment. Actually probably at all retail establishments.

Backstory for those who might not know

Hi, I graduated from one of my states top teacher colleges in 2007. Approximately 15 years ago. I had wanted to be a teacher for most of my life (that and a writer). And I made amazing plans for myself.

But then I got stupid and have been working retail ever since.

I have made NUMEROUS half-hearted attempts to get back into it over the years. I substituted for a while, I even interviewed. Once, 1,000 years ago. I’ve started stuffing for the praxis (two separate tests I needed to take to renew a thing) about a million times.

Between exhaustion and depression, parenting and a full-time job, I pretty much only have the energy to stare at my phone all day (you should see my house. Better yet, please don’t you’d have me committed or something).

A few months back I made the mistake of looking at job openings, not to teach but anything to get my into a classroom. And, of course, I was let down. Because even if I could have gotten the job, I wouldn’t have been able to pay my bills.

And part of the reason I’m in this mess is because I didn’t want to burden my husband with bills.

You see, I graduated in December 2007. Student loan companies give you a six month grace period before your payment comes due. My student loan came due July 2008. I got married in October 2008. I did not want my new husband to have to pay my student loan anymore (my parents paid it before that). So ya girl got her first real big girl job. IN. RETAIL.

I told myself, “I’ll be here six months and I’ll get a teaching job.”

Well 13+ years later and I’m still there. I’ve jumped around a few times in where I worked in the building. But I never left, no matter how much I want to some days.

And because I have been there for more than a decade, I’m making more than what “entry level” pay would be for any “non-certified” position in my local districts school system. And because I’m making what I am, my expenses have increased to match.

Meaning… I make just enough to pay my bills but not have nice things. Which also means that if I drop in pay in any significant way, then I will not be able to pay said bills.

The only way I would let myself commit such a stupid act is if by some miracle I woke up to roughly $25,000 to pay off all my outstanding debt. That’s not including the services I pay for. That or my husband some how gets a really big raise.

See, I’m very very lucky in a lot of ways. First, my husband’s income provides a LOT for us. The only shared things I pay for are Netflix, Cellphone (which he contributes to) and daycare.

The remainder of my bills is literally my own stupid decisions, namely credit cards and a truck payment. Somehow this post turned into a very depressing financial post. And that’s not what this post is about.

This post is about teaching. And why I can never.

First off, since it has been 100 years, in education years, since I graduated, a lot has changed. State standards, requirements for being an educator, and even technology.

There also used to be alternative routes to becoming an teacher in my state.

But, Crystal, why would you need an alternate route?

*Knocks everything off the table in anger*

BECAUSE. Because it’s been 15 years since I’ve learned anything. And in that amount of time, I’ve forgotten things. There might even be different standards to getting certified in the state. That’s where I screwed my self over, again.

I made the terrible mistake of looking at these routes, and imagined the possibility of taking one of these paths, and becoming a teacher.

This is starting to feel like, like infertility. Like wanting a baby and getting so close to it that you take a test and it says positive, but you have to wait for the doctor to tell you, “you’re not pregnant.”

(Do not take it the wrong way I am not comparing it to a miscarriage, I’ve never had one but know how devastating it would be.)

And because I keep letting myself fall back into this vicious cycle

I haven’t given myself any real chance to accept it, mourn, go through the stages of grief, and get all the way to acceptance. And because of that, I keep telling myself teaching might have been the one thing I could have been great at. The one thing where I could have made a difference.

And it is all, every single aspect of the entire disappointing situation, is all my own stupid fault. It has all been my absolute terrible decision making skills that have lead me down this path. A path away from what could have been an amazing and I’m wonderful career but instead to a “Same thing every day never making a single step in a positive direction” job.

I am grateful for my job. There are people out there that would kill for my job with my pay, because I do make decent money. I am glad I can pay my bills and sometimes scrape together a few dollars to buy The Kid a thing.

But just like always, I had big dreams and poor follow through. My situation is my own and I need to accept it.

I’d like to apologize for this rant of a post. In the coming days there should be some more interesting posts. I hope you stick around.

Thanks for reading

-c

BMB: Space, the final frontier

14 Thursday Jul 2022

Posted by in BMB, Dreams, Non-Fiction

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Day 14: first (or second or third) topic I thought of.

I’m not sure when I became a fan of space

I can’t say I’m obsessed with it. I don’t know a ton about it like an obsessed person would. I like the stars, I believe in Pluto, and I am amazed at the unknown-ness of it.

I don’t believe that we will ever meet alien life in my lifetime, I don’t know if I believe it exists, but I do not deny the possibility.

If aliens do exist they know better than have anything to do with our planet.

I have multiple NASA clothing items. A classic NASA t-shirt. One that says “not flat we checked”, but in a NASA style logo. And a sweet Walmart NASA hoodie I’ve been wearing at home daily. It needs washed.

90% of my “brand” (that’s hilarious) has an underlying space theme. One logo I designed looked a little like a planet with a ring.

So we have established that I enjoy space themed stuff

And now we have the first images from the James Webb Space Telescope. And there is one particular image that stood out to me.

I stole it for you.

From here.

Why this one? I have absolutely no clue but by George isn’t it breathtaking? The lights, the colors. The textures. If you could reach out and touch it what would it feel like? If I could live in that mass I would.

This one is called the Carina Nebula, or it’s the edge of it. Stars are born in it. Some of the tallest “peaks” in this gaseous mass are seven light years high. That is unfathomable.

One thought stood out when I saw that image

That was “when I die launch my remains into space and straight into that cradle of life so I may remain among the stars.” And then, after I let go the logic that NASA would not launch human remains (how about cremains) into space, I thought, “or perhaps I could become a star. Since stars are born there, after all.

Imagine the fantastical unbelievablilty of it. To Crash Land in the cradle of life where stars are born.

99% of my dreams do not come true but I have an excellent imagination. Once I’m dead I won’t know what happens to my body. So I can imagine that I become a star.

NASA, let’s talk.

Thanks for reading.

-c