Over the last few days I’ve gotten several likes and views and maybe one or two followers. Not that it makes me a famous blogger yet. But as it’s been a while since my last post, I thought I’d reintroduce myself.
Hi, my name is Crystal. Welcome to my website/blog. Where I share the most random collection or posts and stories you may ever come across.
Here I will talk about my mom, who passed four years ago. Family related things, though I’ll never name anyone. Other general life related topics. I often briefly discuss changing my life and going in new journeys.
I like to do a “series” called “You Don’t Need…” where I pretend I’m a self-improvement/advice blogger and talk about things that the would tells you you need but might not be accurate.
I also like to say I’m a writer of fiction. I’ve written and self published a few books, currently available on Amazon. The most popular of which is “Black Friday: A Zombie Story. It was written for my friends and coworkers at the time and one reviewer pointed out that that fact made it less good?
One thing I do a lot of here that I feel I should warn you about is I Lie.
I make promises I never keep. I have good intentions, but little follow through.
The only excuse I can give you right now is that I am exhausted about 97% of the time. I work a full time job, I am a mom of an under 10 Kid with ADHD. I’ve been suffering from excruciating foot pain. And as someone who works on their feet for a living, that’s not good. After spending 8+ hours a day on my feet, I come home and only wish to rest. I can’t usually get past short form videos on my phone to think about doing anything else.
I tell myself I’m gonna try harder, because I would love for this to be come a career. But I try to live in reality to an extent and I know that it’s unlikely.
So, if I have any new followers, welcome. You might see me once in a blue moon, but know it’s not because I don’t wanna be here. Ya girl is just tired. Lol
You ever have so many things you want to do but absolutely zero time or energy inwhich to do them?
Well that is my life. I think willpower has a lot to do with it too. Lately my life feels more or less like every day is the same and nothing ever changes. Because it be like that. It do.
Maybe that’s why it all seems to go so quickly and I have to stop and think, “is it already Friday?”
6:00am: wake up get and ready for work.
6:30am(ish):leave for work.
6:45am: get to work and sit in the parking lot contemplating staying in the truck for 8 hours.
7:06am(ish): clock in and work.
8:30-9:30am: take a 15 at some point. Get Gatorade and peanut M&Ms, 99% of the time.
?-11:50am(ish): do work things (including but not limited to complaining under my breath about the following:
Plugging
Picks
Overstock
Modular resets
The 9,000 daily tasks I’m expected to do along with the “here this needs done” extra things.
11:50-12:50am: have lunch. Look at funny pictures in my phone for an hour while thinking about how much I could be getting done with the #pretendfantasynovel and blogging and all kinds of stuff.
12:50pm(ish): more work
2:00pm(ish): last break. Whatever man. Talking to coworkers?
4:00-4:30pm(ish): go home. If it’s a week day I pick The Kid up.
Spend the rest of the evening after dinner either wasting my life on the Internet watching videos or looking at funny pictures, wallowing in self-pity, or wishing I could change myself or my life.
8:00pm: begin bedtime routine
Brush my teeth.
Get kid’s teeth brushed.
Go to The Kid’s room.
Melatonin gummy for The Kid (1mg The Kid is a lightweight).
Brush her hair.
Lotion her feet and hands (helps us both relax and she also has the softest feet of any human).
Give The Kid her allergy meds and tummy gummy.
Story time till she falls asleep (almost done with “Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets”).
Sit in The Kid’s bed next to her sleeping form looking at funny pictures or writing this blog post (I’m now editing in my own bed).
9:30-9:40pm(ish): go to my room, contemplate the possibilities of doing something productive. (Actually I’m editing a blog post.)
10:00pm: Realize I’ve spent too much time looking at stupid stuff on the internet, take my melatonin, take my medicine and try to get comfortable in my hard ass bed.
I’m currently completing the editing of this post at 10:28pm. MY melatonin is kicking my butt. Luckily I don’t take it on my days off.
Wake up a million times in the night.
Sometime around 5am my body says “that’s enough” but I ignore it and struggle to go back to sleep.
Do it all over again at 6:00am, usually with some kind of ache and/or pain.
I realize my posts are boring and inconsistent and not helpful to anyone, usuallyespecially me. But this is how Icope with life and what my brain is doing.I’dprefer my brain to nothing most days.
But you know what, I’m not on any kind of medication keeping me from going completely bonkers (though I wouldn’t deny something would help me). I’m also still employed and haven’t run away to live as a hermit in an abandoned building on some unused corner of a reach persons’s sprawling acreage.
That sounds absolutely amazing.
But alas I have responsibilities, The Kid, people who love me and need me, and I still have a fully/mostly functioning conscience. So I’ll continue to perform this never ending dance routine. Even if sometimes it feels more like a backwoods circus sideshow than Cirque Du Soleil.
Goodnight friends. Thanks for watching. What? Watching? What reality are you living in right now…
There’s not enough time in the day anymore. There’s not enough energy left in me.
This week is already half over and I’ve nothing to show for it.
I wake up exhausted. I get ready for work, exhausted. I get to work, exhausted. Work my shift, get more exhausted. Go home. Exhausted. Go to bed. Exhausted. Wake up slightly less exhausted than I was eight-ish hours before.
I have a day off and I sleep in but feel bad because I could have been doing so much but I’m still exhausted after sleeping in and/or napping (sometimes I do both).
Just gonna get progressively worse at a steady pace for the rest of my life.
No time to write blog posts. No time to promote on Facebook. No time to write or craft or read. Well, I read in parent pickup.
As I begin once again to travel the darkened path leading me into and through a probable mental breakdown, I can only hope that I traverse the path and come out the other side relatively intact.
I am always struggling. This is all due to a combination of emotional retardation exacerbated by keeping my problems locked away inside my own mind, constant exhaustion, and an insatiable need to be liked by everyone.
This go ‘round the never ending cycle, the triggers were many. Here’s a list of them in no particular order.
I paid all my bills out of one check and ended up struggling to have enough money to pay for the continuation of this websites features. But I guess my bills are paid so oh well?
Wondering why I’m even paying for the site when I get absolutely nothing back from it. I mean I enjoy doing it but at what cost (roughly $180 a year, actually)?
My truck decided to completely stall while idling IN THE PARENT PICKUP LINE. Two other parents got out of their vehicles and pushed me to the side. In reality I realize it was not out of the kindness of their hearts but because of the inconvenience of my dead truck in their way. Now there’s ANOTHER part I need to buy. Again. No money.
I made the mistake of looking at education related job opening info at the school my child goes to. And realized very quickly once again that I’ll never be a teacher because it’s been way to long. Also I’m dumb.
Two people from my work have been promoted to upper management. This in and of itself is not the problem. The problem is that both of them are-give or take-ten years younger than me. They’ve both worked for the company for less than half the amount of time I have. And through all fault of my own I am still low on the totem pole and I’m still making less that $15 an hour even though I’m getting a raise. Though they will never read this: congrats and good luck to both of them. They’ll make great upper managers, I wish them nothing but the best. We will all miss them at our location.
So why is the title “the future ofCrashdLanding”?
In a year, when the payment comes due, for all the thingamajigs related to keeping this site alive, I will very likely save my hard earned money and not renew it.
All I ever wanted with this site, my Facebook page, the group, Instagram BOB HOW MANY SOCIALS DO I HAVE was promoting myself and all the nonsense I do, so that I might make a profit off doing something I love.
I can’t be a teacher because I made the ill-fated decision to take time off, and get any job so my husband didn’t have to keep paying my student loan payment. I’d told myself six months. Six months turned into thirteen years. And I’m basically back where I started.
I loved being in a classroom. I loved teaching, what little I got to do. I am a different person now and I think I’d be better at it now than I would have thirteen years ago.
No one wants to buy the jewelry I make. No one wants my resin products. I did not lose interest in those things I lost hope. Why sit under crouched over a pair of pliers and beads, why break my back and breathe in resin fumes if it’s only going to gather dust on a shelf.
I’m exhausted all the time and I’d have an easier time getting lemon juice from an orange than I have getting fictional words on paper.
All these things are things I love (including this silly little blog in this silly little site). But I’m getting nothing out of it. There’s a lot of time and effort going into this.
So, I’m gonna try and write that pretend fantasy novel. It’ll be available to read, probably chapter by chapter, for a $10 a year subscription. Unless you’re one of the 12 or so people whose names I’ve written down who get free access.
I’m gonna try to write “The Silent Secret” which will also be available via the subscription.
If you’re reading this in March 2023 (and the world as we know it hasn’t ended in WW3) and that subscription is still active and things are posted regularly then I haven’t given up, found a warm cave, and hibernated away from my problems and the world’s chaos.
Right now though, at basically the end of February 2022, I’m super sleepy. So. G’nite.
If you made it this far, as always, thanks for reading.
-c
Don’t get the wrong idea, absolutely ZERO PERCENT of this has anything at all to do with me ending my life.
It has been 18 days since I logged out of Facebook.
I received an email attempting to lure me back.
90 notifications lol
I logged out for multiple reasons. The biggest one being that I had relied too much on the potential of what it COULD give me in spite of what I wasn’t getting.
The frequency with which I was “thinking in Facebook posts” in order to get a reaction or response, the fact that I got more feedback from my dreams than serious posts.
And even worse, starting to make a comment on someone else’s post, only to back off and not make it at all because I assumed that they wouldn’t care if I said anything at all.
But also, knowing that 90% of the people on my friends list wouldn’t likely speak to me in person if they saw me.
Social media of any kind is a method of attempting to receive validation from others that your existence has value and meaning in someone else’s life. Of course a lot of social media is people who have brand deals or sponsorships or some ware they are hocking. These individuals have already had their existence validated by society. Now they are paid to or are given free things as living advertisers.
We had a society want other human beings to do absolutely normal or even completely bizarre things for us to observe and comment on.
Positive or negative, no publicity it’s bad publicity.
Am I judging these people? Well, yes, certain ones if I’m being honest. Would I be perfectly thrilled with receiving something for free because I have it a good review one time? Yes. But I prefer cash.
Simple validation that my existence on planet earth and online meant even the most minuscule amount to literally anyone on Facebook made me feel good about myself. And the fact that it felt like I grew to need even the smallest amount of acknowledgment from anyone saddens me.
But most of the time I could go an entire fray of posting a range of things and get absolutely no response from anyone, and I would be heartbroken and assume that no one cared about me.
Simply put, my emotional instability was the opposite of helped by my constant need for attention and validation and acknowledgement via Facebook.
Also I watched way too many videos.
Have I quit social media completely? Lord no. I’m here aren’t I? But this website is my very poor way of trying to make myself know to the world as a writer/blogger/maker. I’ve been trying for a long time and get little acknowledgment and validation lol.
I also still randomly use Instagram and Twitter. Though I often forget about both and still get very little attention there. But I’m used to it.
I also have a dummy Facebook account where I post gibberish and use it to control the CrashdLanding Facebook page and Crash Landing Site Group. I’m too lazy to link them. (By too lazy I honestly mean I’m fighting a head cold, I’ve already had my medicine and my melatonin and I’m so tired my eyes are pointed in two different directions and I keep closing them and it takes me longer and longer to open them back up)
I also STILL watch too many videos.
This has gone on long enough and my tummy is upset from too much medicine on an empty stomach.
As always, thanks for reading (and validating my existence)
Let’s see, I changed job descriptions in my workplace. Was forced out of my management position due to “structural changes”. Then tension and stress led me to seek other opportunities within the building.
So I moved to a floor position, initially assuming it was going to be the same type of position I was in last time I was on the floor. Instead it came with a cynical manager, and a lot of extra duties. (Basically it’s a position I was interested in years ago but without the title).
I’m not mad. In fact I love my job. But there’s just a lot and I just have stress and mental health issues that prevent me from even feeling like I do a good job.
More responsibilities have been added in recent months. I also feel outnumbered as I’m surrounded by dudes. I don’t complain about the dudes. They’re good dudes. But. Well I’m a girl and they’re dudes.
There has also been a number of changes in not only my direct management but the overall management. My two leads have changed once for both positions, and we lost and then gained a manager. The cynical one moved. But I really think he just hated our Zone (area). But I don’t communicate with him about his feelings much so
If he’s happy in his new position lol
I haven’t any significant complaints about him as a supervisor, and hope he’s enjoying his new zone.
My new supervisors seem to be doing a good job. I haven’t any complaints about them except A, who I’ve told this (in the nicest of ways lol), needs to grow up a little and he’ll go far with the company if he chooses. B (I just realize the letters work out especially in order of who started first lol) seems to be doing well as well, but A’s goofiness rubs off on others and also, again, they’re dudes. Also the other non-supervisor associate in my zone? DUDE.
They did add a much needed third associate to our team, but there’s talk of moving HER back out. Yes. There is another female on our team. Shes a very sweet girl and I enjoy working with her when I get the chance.
All in all there’s a lot expected of me and only about eight hours to do it in. I try really hard and I’m told I’m doing a good job so I’m trying to run with that.
Also I’m OLDER THAN ALL OF THEM.
Life
The year began ok. In the first six months we took a family trip (my family and my sister’s family). We took the kids to a bounce place and the zoo. The zoo was meant to be the main attraction but those lazy bones preferred the bounce place.
I also bought my first vehicle. Technically it’s my second but this one I bought. My first was a Chevy Cobalt that I inherited after my husband got himself a new car. After driving that little car for many years, and growing up in rambling old trucks I grew to desire a truck for myself.
So the day I got my hair permed I was feeling super confident and impulsive and saw a truck online that I wanted.
Long story short the next day I didn’t get that one. But I got this one:
2012 Dodge Ram 1500 big horn.
Ain’t she a beaut? Well, the next day the check engine light came on and it’s something apparently you can’t buy a part for so the light stays on.
In October we got in it and tried to start it and it wouldn’t turn over. We got the jumper cables out and there were sparks but after four tries she finally started.
When we arrived at our destination, the spouse told me to not turn it off. I didn’t want to leave it running as we were in a public park. We had no issues getting it to where we were going so I thought it’d be a good idea to try it.
Well.
It wasn’t.
She did not start back up. So I said let’s just do the thing we were gonna do (the key was stuck in the ignition but they couldn’t steal something that wouldn’t start). It only took us a few minutes to enjoy the Trunk or Treat. So we made the damp (cause it was rainy) trek to the dead truck.
Eventually some nice dudes
Blurry nice dudes
Saw our predicament and stopped to help us. Turns out it was all a bad battery terminal connection
WHICH ID TOLD THEM ALL REPEATEDLY BUT I AM A FEMALE TALKING ABOUT AN AUTOMOBILE AND THERES A GENETIC SWITCH IN MEN’S HEADS THAT FLIPS OFF WHEN A WOMAN TALKS ABOUT A MALE DOMINATED TOPIC
The nice dudes gave my spouse a ride up to a very close auto parts store where they purchased the new terminal connection and returned to install it. The truck (which my husband calls “Sexy Rexy” started right up with no battery issues since.
After leaving work one day I started it up and about four new lights came on, relayed to power steering and four wheel drive and had me near tears all the way home. But when I got in it the next day to pick up my kid from school, the lights came on but when off after a few minutes. Never saw them again.
So far.
Side hustles?
Toward the beginning of the year I—on a whim—paid for premium site subscription and domain for this website. I always wanted to do so but feared spending the money.
It hasn’t done me a lot of good doing it, I’ve not made a dime.
Same with all the money I spent on trying to make something out of nothing. A jewelry business out of something no one wanted. And YouTube. I made a video. One. Singular.
Actually I haven’t checked the views in a while hold on
46 views. Posted a month ago.
I have lots of big ideas. Lip balm. Nail balm. Resin creations, jewelry, writing. All kinds of nonsense.
Honestly I think a lot of my trying and failing and trying something else is just causing my mental health to sink further down.
In conclusion
I could have made this a lot shorter. To be honest most of my posts come to me on a whim and happen when they come to me. So I have little planning. I need to fix that.
So if you stuck it out and read the whole thing, good for you. I’m super proud lol.
I have some goals for 2022. Not big goals. Just Me Trying Harder to Be Better goals. Number one is to not put to high of expectations on myself, others, or anything that may or may not happen. Take it as it comes.
I woke up at 4:30am thinking about this for some reason.
NOTE: I am happily married and wouldn’t change it.
But brain be weird sometimes.
So as I was falling asleep, I thought about it, and thought about it every time I woke back up.
Why DO people get married?
You can be together and share your life with someone without the license. So why make it government legal.
Here’s an example.
Fred and Wilma are high school sweethearts. Together since they were teenagers. They love each other dearly and are moved in together by their mid-twenties. Eventually they buy a house together, except Fred’s credit is better so it’s his name on the home loan. They never marry.
But, eventually Wilma is making more so she’s paying the home loan and they split the remainder of the household bills. They pick out furniture together, they grocery shop together, they share everything.
They’re perfectly happy, and decided many years before they didn’t want children. By their thirties they’re doing quite well.
The only issue they have is that Fred’s parents, Don and Karen, don’t like Wilma. Karen especially. She thinks Wilma stole her only baby away before he was even grown and now she won’t have grandchildren because Wilma doesn’t want children.
So, they don’t talk to Fred’s parents much. But other than that, life is great.
But one day, while Wilma is at work, Fred is in a horrible car accident. Wilma rushes to the hospital Fred needs surgery so Wilma, the o my person there to consent, allows it without question.
But while surgery keeps him alive, he suffered a severe brain injury and was put in a ventilator during surgery.
Don and Karen show up (who called those two). And the doctor comes in. He tells them all that Fred’s brain injury was severe. He’s on ventilator but may never come off. And if he does he might be functional and require constant care.
Wilma, who has know Fred for decades, loved him for decades, knows that Fred would not be a burden. And that he wouldn’t want to be on life support indefinitely. She tells them this.
But Karen disagrees. She won’t let Wilma take her baby away forever. She wants to keep Fred on life support, in case there’s a chance he could come off. Even the tiniest chance.
So Karen makes it known that Wilma and Fred were not legally married. Which means that what is his is not hers and vise versa. Because Karen and Don are Fred’s only living legal relatives it is decided to keep him on life support.
Eventually the time comes when Fred’s body no longer can hold in on life support. So despite Karen’s desire to hold on to a son that was no longer there, Fred dies.
Fred had no will.
A will would have been a legally binding document that would have made Wilma Fred’s heir if he so chose.
So all those years together, all that time spent together, sharing a life, because Karen hated Wilma, Wilma could get nothing from Fred’s estate.
Of course…
Proof of a relationship, proof Wilma paid for the house, despite it being in Fred’s name, all the shared possessions. Might save Wilma in this situation.
Also I don’t know much about the laws. I don’t know about “common law marriages”, if there still a thing.
But I do know that wills are legally binding, if properly done.
If you’re gonna be in a long term relationship without marriage, be sure you have something legally binding, because the wrong angry person could fight it.
Again
NO IDEA why all this came up in my head at 4:30 in the morning.
In my last post I talked about a journey to… not dying. And the reasons why I’m not ready to shuffle off this mortal coil. There was a storm and flooding and I fear death and big rivers. Blah blah blah.
The point is that post was all about me doing things to keep myself alive and to make my life better. Though I know that Death waits for no man (or woman in this case), there are things in my life that I can fix or work on, that may or may not cause or contribute to my untimely demise (or depression).
The Reason to Live
My daughter. That’s it. That’s my only reason. It’s been settled in my heart and my head (both of which will have starring roles in the “problems” section) that if something were to happen to her, my life would lose all meaning and I wouldn’t need to be around anymore. But that’s a tale for another time.
Anyway, she is six, sleeps in the bed with me, is really great for your ego (typical “my kid” lines are “mommy I just love your hair” or “I just love your glasses” she’s even said “daddy I love your bald head.”). She’s amazing and young and learning and doesn’t need to lose me just yet.
And I don’t want to lose the joy I have being with her. So she is my reason. For everything.
The Physical Problems
I’ve briefly mentioned them in the last post, and I’ll go into slightly more detail.
Heart: I’ve had heart problems, seen by a doctor but as yet unnamed, for several years now. Three? Four? And I live in constant fear that I’ll have a heart attack and die. Post soon to come about heart attacks in women. Even now I have some mild chest pains. But is that my heart or muscle pain from raising my arms over my head instead of climbing a ladder? Dunno.
Head: I’ve had some dizziness and headaches pretty frequently lately and over the course of a few years. My mom, who passed away almost three years ago now, had multiple aneurysms. If she were here now she’d say: “yeah but they didn’t kill me” and also: “GO TO THE DOCTOR.” The very thing I would tell her. I know just because she had it doesn’t mean I will, but they can be hereditary. And also I’m paranoid.
Weight: you know what’s super annoying? When you call yourself “fat” and someone says, “oh, no you’re not”. But then you look at yourself then back at them, and go, “I have a number for my ophthalmologist” (had to Google that). I am fat, though. I am what modern science would call “morbidly obese”. I’m ok with it, I’ve been in this body for a while I’ve come to terms. I don’t want to be. But between work, parenthood and exhaustion I have no time to, well, anything.
Feet: while not an immediate “gonna kill me now” thing, I have very bad feet. Bad enough that I’ve wanted to find a secret corner at work and cry. They hurt terribly and I’m in a job where I’m on my feet for 6 to 8+ hours a day. Sometimes I climb stairs, frequently I climb ladders (lately I reach, explaining possible muscle pain). My feet are my number one source of pain, and I believe one of the reasons I don’t get much done.
Stomach: here’s another “my mom had it”. I have stomach issues. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything specific. My mom, over six years ago, so three before she passed, had to have a large portion of her bowel remove due to a blockage. She ended up on ventilator because she’d had some breathing issues during the surgery and didn’t come off for a very long time. I started having bowel issues several years ago. They’ve gotten worse over the years and I fear the outcome. She ended up with an ostomy (a whole in her side where poop could come out). She was strong and learned quickly (with the glorious and amazing help of my sister). But she also didn’t work in the public. I struggle enough with self confidence, I don’t think I could handle the transition to pooping in a bag. Not that I judge, she was an expert at her own changing process.
The Fixer Quicker Upper
Looking at that wordy list of issues, I can see the number one way to improve my problems and live longer (unless Death decides its accidental) is a lifestyle change. Healthy habits could lead to weight loss: less weight on my feet would improve them. No caffeine had been “suggested” (forbidden) for my heart issues. But man I love me a Pepsi.
Eating for better bowel health: self explanatory.
Clearly a lifestyle change, including healthier eating would improve several of my physical problems. My first step (even if it hurts) is a doctor appointment. I’m due some blood work anyway, and only a doc can check certain things.
But wait! There’s more…
However, it’s after 2am, my body isn’t physically capable of anything last 2:30, this post is already a mile long, and my kid is restless. I’ll be back for the rest of it later!
Thanks for reading.
-c
Her favorite word is poop. She’s been known to say, “I love you poopy too.”
Crash Landing 