Tag Archives: mental breakdown

The Future of CrashdLanding

25 Friday Feb 2022

Posted by in social media, True Story, Truth

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As I begin once again to travel the darkened path leading me into and through a probable mental breakdown, I can only hope that I traverse the path and come out the other side relatively intact.

I am always struggling. This is all due to a combination of emotional retardation exacerbated by keeping my problems locked away inside my own mind, constant exhaustion, and an insatiable need to be liked by everyone.

This go ‘round the never ending cycle, the triggers were many. Here’s a list of them in no particular order.

  • I paid all my bills out of one check and ended up struggling to have enough money to pay for the continuation of this websites features. But I guess my bills are paid so oh well?
  • Wondering why I’m even paying for the site when I get absolutely nothing back from it. I mean I enjoy doing it but at what cost (roughly $180 a year, actually)?
  • My truck decided to completely stall while idling IN THE PARENT PICKUP LINE. Two other parents got out of their vehicles and pushed me to the side. In reality I realize it was not out of the kindness of their hearts but because of the inconvenience of my dead truck in their way. Now there’s ANOTHER part I need to buy. Again. No money.
  • I made the mistake of looking at education related job opening info at the school my child goes to. And realized very quickly once again that I’ll never be a teacher because it’s been way to long. Also I’m dumb.
  • Two people from my work have been promoted to upper management. This in and of itself is not the problem. The problem is that both of them are-give or take-ten years younger than me. They’ve both worked for the company for less than half the amount of time I have. And through all fault of my own I am still low on the totem pole and I’m still making less that $15 an hour even though I’m getting a raise. Though they will never read this: congrats and good luck to both of them. They’ll make great upper managers, I wish them nothing but the best. We will all miss them at our location.

So why is the title “the future of CrashdLanding”?

In a year, when the payment comes due, for all the thingamajigs related to keeping this site alive, I will very likely save my hard earned money and not renew it.

All I ever wanted with this site, my Facebook page, the group, Instagram BOB HOW MANY SOCIALS DO I HAVE was promoting myself and all the nonsense I do, so that I might make a profit off doing something I love.

I can’t be a teacher because I made the ill-fated decision to take time off, and get any job so my husband didn’t have to keep paying my student loan payment. I’d told myself six months. Six months turned into thirteen years. And I’m basically back where I started.

I loved being in a classroom. I loved teaching, what little I got to do. I am a different person now and I think I’d be better at it now than I would have thirteen years ago.

No one wants to buy the jewelry I make. No one wants my resin products. I did not lose interest in those things I lost hope. Why sit under crouched over a pair of pliers and beads, why break my back and breathe in resin fumes if it’s only going to gather dust on a shelf.

I’m exhausted all the time and I’d have an easier time getting lemon juice from an orange than I have getting fictional words on paper.

All these things are things I love (including this silly little blog in this silly little site). But I’m getting nothing out of it. There’s a lot of time and effort going into this.

So, I’m gonna try and write that pretend fantasy novel. It’ll be available to read, probably chapter by chapter, for a $10 a year subscription. Unless you’re one of the 12 or so people whose names I’ve written down who get free access.

I’m gonna try to write “The Silent Secret” which will also be available via the subscription.

If you’re reading this in March 2023 (and the world as we know it hasn’t ended in WW3) and that subscription is still active and things are posted regularly then I haven’t given up, found a warm cave, and hibernated away from my problems and the world’s chaos.

Right now though, at basically the end of February 2022, I’m super sleepy. So. G’nite.

If you made it this far, as always, thanks for reading.

-c

Don’t get the wrong idea, absolutely ZERO PERCENT of this has anything at all to do with me ending my life.

I have tried…

11 Saturday Sep 2021

Posted by in Friendship, Mental Health, Non-Fiction

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…And tried and tried a million times to write a blog post conveying what is going on inside my head.

For example: I’m paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back. Like EVERYONE AT WORK. They are all in on it. But some of them think they need to laugh harder at my jokes. Or some of them just don’t talk to me anymore. Maybe some of them are trying to ruin me.

Maybe they think I’m a thief.

I’m not I hate thieves.

Or also, I feel like I don’t have any friends anymore. Like, I’m someone’s friend when it’s convenient or the people who really want to be my friends are far away and just have closer friends.

Anyway I almost had a mental breakdown the other day

Maybe it was a mild one? I couldn’t not cry at the songs I was scream-singing to in the truck on the way home. Anyway it was happening. And now I’m starting to get depressed. It’s creeping up on me, like a leopard stalking it’s prey. If I sit and think too long about what’s happening around me I either panic/get anxious, get depressed, or get angry.

No matter what happens I know I would never kill myself

There is no question. I refuse to leave my child without a mother and my husband without a spouse (honestly this child wouldn’t sleep with him if I were desperate for sleep, I don’t know how he’d parent without me lol).

Plus I utterly fear death. And don’t say it’s because I haven’t gotten right with God, leave him outta this he knows what he did/didn’t do (I’m kidding). But the question of the unknown scares the ever loving

Poop

Out of me. So, I refuse to shuffle off this mortal coil until my child is grown and thriving on her own (or at least until she’s sleeping in her own bed).

I never imagined I would ever consider myself to be depressed or have anxiety until I was an adult.

Because when you’re an adult you see/read/encounter more adult things than you do as a kid or teen. And the bulk of humanity has been trying to normalize mental health issues over the last several years. For positive reasons. And I realized that I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression my whole life. I never recognized it because my family did not have the luxury of being able to afford to see a professional.

Not that my mom wouldn’t have made it work if she thought myself or my siblings needed it. And I can guarantee ALL of us need some kind of help, especially now.

My theory is that no one I know actually reads my posts.

Unless they involve free fiction. Or something that could benefit them. I’ve limited my Facebook of late, and I highly doubt a single person on my friends list, or even in my Facebook page, has even glanced at the titles of my blog posts (which post automatically to my page).

I could probably say whatever I wanted about anything here and no one I really know would even know. Something like

I killed a man.

Fictionally. Several actually.

Sorry. I didn’t have the nerve.

How about: I secretly believe no one actually likes me they just humor me for the hell of it and I think I’d rather someone look me in the eyes and say “I don’t like you all that well”. And walk away. I would cry a little but eventually I’d get over it. I’m an adult after all. Semi-functional, but an adult none-the-less.

Thanks for reading!

-c

Someone once said they think I’m bipolar. I didn’t have doubts.