I have to work tomorrow (technically today since it’s one in the morning). That’s not news, I work every day of the week but Monday and Wednesday. But I don’t want too.
Tuesday, the last day I worked, was a big pile of stinking festering garbage. I was short handed and the people who were supposed to be the closing team called in and left us hanging. I had to ask two of my people to stay late—they graciously agreed and I’m forever in their debt—and I told my managers I would stay late.
I’m not gonna complain once my pay check rolls in and I have overtime on it—OT WHUD UP—practically buy me a new car with that.
Anyway, after six I had three people on the front end, three breaks to cover (including my own) and a million things to get done. Honestly it’s not that hard it’s just complicated and you have to not mess something up.
Messing with the money of a major corporation is a daunting task. That makes me sound more important that what I really am. But that’s what I do. Essentially.
But as always we made it work and we are a good team. A teeny tiny little team but a good one. Those are reliable people and my faith in them has grown even brighter than it was before that night.
Because two people called in (more in the place called in, but two in one area is like a tornado going through a trailer park: devastation). And honestly it was two people I was looking forward to working with. Two people I enjoyed working with and it made me feel like they were abandoning me, and not just our front end and store.
I know that’s not the case. At least I’m pretty sure because they did not communicate with me. I wish they had. One of if them called in I was disappointed. But then I learned they both called in…
Let’s just say the stress of the last several months, and basically year, have really weighed down on me and I might have gotten emotional. I hid it well, at least the angry crying part, and managed to put my sore and damaged feet down (gently) and say, mostly to myself “screw this figurative ‘schtuff’, I deserve more.”
Management had been scheduling me full time and boarder line full time hours for ages, and more so during the Pandemic (crapdangit more like), and I worked it all—except for my two week leave—without fail. I might not have been as good at it as others in certain people’s eyes, but I did it.
So I resolved to ask my manager, first personnel then store manger, for full time.
In the eleven years I’ve been working at (REDACTED) I’ve always been part-time. I’ve worked full time hours on many occasions. More so since getting my current position and let me tell you this has been a rocky road. I’d rather have the ice cream. But I’d been asked about it before and I said that I didn’t want more hours away from my child and family and on my feet.
But since I’m getting that any way and I have been there, doing the job as best as I could, I thought I deserved it. Not the hours, I already have those. I’m talking PERKS!
I had the conversation with my manager and I came out of it, with a “I can’t make any promises” but also with confidence that he actually felt I deserved for the possibility to be looked into.
I’m not getting my hopes up, even if I think I’ve been seen as a worthy person, by at least one other human. Whether no one else does.
But I will also be keeping my options open.
And I’ve learned a lot lately.
1. Open your mouth for what you want or risk never getting it. 2. Faith and hope in another human being is about as valuable as a water logged wooden nickel (IT TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG TO SPELL NICKEL RIGHT). 3. I can make anything work. No matter how putrid the flaming dumpster fire I’m given.
Thanks for reading
My 2 week unpaid leave from work due to Covid-19 is almost over. Tomorrow is the last day I have to call in for it, the next day is a normal day off for me, and I’ll be back on Tuesday. My feet and ankles are already hurting in anticipation.
I’ve left the house—meaning my driveway—three times in two weeks. I’ve been outside in the yard and on the porch, but I’ve only been further three times. All three times were to my Mother-In-Law’s. We will probably be going tomorrow as well.
In all honesty I’d prefer to stay home. I’d have loved to not left the house AT ALL. But it’s good for the kid to get out, even if it’s only to the same place. In fact, she’s not been anywhere besides home since the first week of March. Two MONTHS. I’m not sure I could have done two months.
I will be glad to get back to work, though I’m unsure of what I’ll be going back too. Have they realized they don’t need me after all and they’ll let me go? How many new people have they hired in order to fill empty spots? Will they speak to me? How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
I’m sure it’ll be fine. My self-depreciation and paranoia are really the only reasons why I think everyone hates me or is generally indifferent. Not that they’d tell me, to be honest.
Anyway, I’m just happy I got my kid to sleep BEFORE 1am.
Thanks for reading.
If I could go back in time I wouldn’t miss work, I’d just power (stumble) through. But if I could go back in time I guess I could probably prevent the back injury to begin with.
So, a week ago now, I was just minding my own business and getting out of bed and felt a twinge of pain in my lower back. Literally, all I did was get out of bed. My first thought was, “Ow,” for obvious reasons. But I’d felt very similar twinges before (my husband didn’t think that was a word a while back, in your face hubby) and they’d just gone away.
This twinge didn’t go away but instead simply GREW. The more I moved around the less I was able to move around. Within an hour I was in tears, trying to not make any verbal declarations of pain (don’t scare the kid) and telling my husband (and sister) via text that I needed a doctor.
Mistake Number One: going to an After Hours Clinic instead of a doctor office or ER.
This was a mistake for a reason I’ll get to later. But I chose an after hours instead of the emergency room because of money. An after hours wasn’t going to charge me to lay in a bed or breathe their air.
And of course I wouldn’t be able to get in to see a doctor same day or within the hour. Which will also come up later.
I went to the after hours clinic and saw an APRN. I didn’t know that was a thing until I googled it. It’s “Advanced Practice Registered Nurse” apparently. “Crystal’s Definition” is “high wizard nurse” or “super nurse”. Anyway, she poked my back, checked my breathing, asked questions, gave me a shot in both butt cheeks (well not her, Super Nurses don’t have to touch butts if they don’t wanna) called in a muscle relaxer and a steroid (aka placebo and vomik) then sent me on my merry, stumbling, toddler-walking way.
I went home (we stopped for Blizzards at DQ, when mamma is sick we get ice cream) and the hubs went and got my meds.
Steroids are the nastiest tasting thing on the planet. I can say this since I haven’t had some of the others in a while. And I have zero evidence the ‘roids or muscle relaxer did a thing!
I had work the next day, early. But my thoughts were: if you cannot bend down enough to sit on the toilet without wanting to cry, then you probably shouldn’t work. So I called in, and moaned and groaned alone in my home (too “dr suess”?).
Two days I called in and knew I didn’t have anymore I could take, so I told myself I had to work Saturday. While I was better able to walk without quite as much pain, and I’d figured out how to sit without dying a little each time, I wasn’t in good enough condition to work. So after about half an hour I left.
THAT WAS MISTAKE NUMBER TWO because it led to not only why mistake one was a mistake, but all the rest of the mistakes after.
Yes, had I stayed I might have spent half of my eight hour shift crying in a corner (but not in a fetal position I couldn’t do that). But I would have (A) gotten paid, and (B) not had to start the Leave of Absence process.
The company I work for now has a two step verification process for logins into all outside facility apps and websites. This is to protect employees from all this hacking nonsense. ITS THE DEVIL. Especially if you have to log on multiple times and don’t have a cell signal. I had to go outside, toward the end of my driveway three times in two days, when I’m partly immobile, to call in and attempt the process for LOA.
I still ended up messaging my Personnel Coordinator and she put in the request for me. M if your reading this you’re the bomb and that call today I may or may not have been on the potty sorry.
Now, even though I’d gotten out of the house for the After Hours visit and a hot minute at work, I was beginning to go a little stir crazy. I ended up cleaning from the edge of my bed, yes. Cleaning. I used a stick and back scratcher to reach things I wanted to grab and get rid of. But even a few minutes of this and my back was mad at me.
I ended up having my husband make a third heating pad (damp towel in the microwave), I took four ibuprofen and fell asleep. When I woke up that was the best my back had felt in days.
While I was off I watched two movies, Season One if “The Boys” on Amazon Prime, contemplated the meaning of my life, felt completely and utterly useless and needy.
The only positive to come out of this whole thing is that, before, my ankles where my issue. I couldn’t be on them more than an hour without wanting to cut my feet off (ask my coworkers). But since I’ve been forced off said feet, my ankles haven’t been bothering me. Of course that’ll change as soon as I get back to work but I honestly don’t care. I’ll take care of them eventually but right now I’d cut them off if it meant I COULD work.
Also between visits to After Hours (I’ll get to visit two in a sec) I’ve somehow LOST seven pounds, DESPITE, doing absolutely nothing for five days.
So, for my leave to be approved I have to have a DOCTOR fill out some paperwork, which includes a return to work form. I legit don’t know if I need any of this to go back but I’m going anyway.
If you don’t know me personally (and even if you do you might not know this) I have had, for most of my life, a crippling fear of phone calls. Like, making phone calls. Is it anxiety or just laziness? The world may never know. Anyway, since working at (employer for last ten years) I’ve come out of my shell more and mind it less. However, since being in my “sick bed” of a house I guess my anxiety has come seeping back because I HATE MAKING PHONE CALLS. My husband called after hours for me today to see if they could fill out my papers (THEY SAID YES). I kept putting it off. If I had of done it myself I might have gotten the right answer.
I’d had every intention of working Tuesday, as I didn’t want to miss anymore. But I was scared of pain (wimpy wimpy wimpy) and didn’t want to make my situation worse. So I called in again, with every determination to get my papers filled out and go back by Thursday (I’m always off Monday and Wednesday). So I called a doctor office I used to use before my doctor turned tail and ran (sorry dude it’s funnier if I say it like that). I hadn’t been back in a while since I didn’t have a doctor there and medical care costs money. I’d had a doctor recommended to me and I tried for an appointment.
However, even though they had all my information and history, they were treating me like a new patient, in that there was a wait time. The doctor I requested had no openings until OCTOBER. The soonest they could work me in with anyone was a week. I DON’T HAVE A WEEK. I told the lady I’d call back (I haven’t yet).
Eventually my husband offered to call After Hours for me, and they said they could fill out the paperwork, and we made plans for him to come get me and take me (apparently I don’t like driving myself places anymore either?). We got there, and we went through the motions of waiting and paying a copay and eventually vitals (hubby took kiddo to Walmart and bought me some otc pain patches. I’ll let ya know if they work lol). So when triage asked me what I was there for I told her about the paperwork.
She went and asked the APRN. She told me that she couldn’t do it since they weren’t my primary care doctors, they hadn’t taken me off work, and they haven’t evaluated my ability to go back. So after driving all the way there, waiting much longer than I’ve had to wait in their office before, getting my vitals (I lost seven pounds) and paying a copay, I wasted my time.
I was ready to cry in frustration (not the first time this week) and pain.
Don’t worry this long post is almost over.
So tomorrow (technically today) I’ve got to try to convince a doctor to see me (hopefully same day) and fill out some papers so I can go back to work the next day. I mean I’m gonna go back Thursday anyway. Who cares if I only last a little while.
But if this leave doesn’t get approved, I’ll have well over my allowed unapproved absences, which is grounds for termination. In order to get it approved I have to have these papers filled out ASAP. I’ve worked for (REDACTED) for a decade. I like my job. It’s not my dream job (teacher, writer, comedian apparently) but I like it, it pays well, and I can’t imagine myself not working there. It’s my family. Also I have bills. Lots and lots of bills.
So unless someone wants to pay me a large sum for the movie rights to “Black Friday: A Zombie Story” I’m screwed. I’ll sell “Darkness” too. It’s pretty ok.
FOR THE RECORD: I am by no means dissing my workplace, employers, coworkers, or corporate. I understand and abide by their attendance policy and actually think it’s pretty generous (it used to be more generous but it’s still pretty decent). Nor am I downing the After Hours Clinic, or APRNs. Or the doctor office I called.
I do in fact hate my body and wish I could trade it in for a nice, gently used, good condition, upgrade model, but alas I am not a car.
Always, thanks for reading.
I often have days where I want to stop. Stop. Give up. Quit. Throw in the towel, give up my seat. Give away. You know?
Today was one of those days. I didn’t have enough. Enough people, enough money, enough time, enough energy. I felt like I was messing up around every corner. And it was the busiest day. That made everything worse.
I stopped to do something and someone needed me. I had lines I had to shorten, and not enough people to shorten them. Get them down and they filled back up. Thought about doing something that I needed to do, I got pulled away.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like I’ve let everyone down.
Struggle. Struggle. Struggle.
When does it stop? When can I stop?
But now I’m home, two hours after my shift should have ended I’m crawling into bed. Next to my sweet one. My heart. My sunshine. She’s asleep but I can snuggle.
Snuggle snuggle snuggle.
And for a few hours I can pretend all is right with the world.
Because I did something right with her.
I had initially planned on posting this to Facebook (I’ve still NOT reactivated) but decided this would be the best place. It’s mostly just my ranting after a difficult day.
I am not a happy person. I haven’t been one for a long time, now. Of course, I love my child, my husband, my family, my friends. But there are a number of factors that have contributed to the decline of my mental wellbeing. Namely: work and money.
There have been a certain number of changes in my workplace that haven’t gone over well for me. A number of things have happened and are happening that either make me angry or depress me. And making myself accept these changes as something I have no control over is difficult for me.
While I have always known that I have no control over what happens at work, I have had to come to the realization that no matter what I want to happen or what changes I’d like to make, and no matter how hard I try–such as a position or shift change–I will never be given the opportunity to do so. No matter how much I want it.
Money has also played a role in my changes. Foremost is the knowledge that because I got used to NOT having my loan payment to worry about, I’ve been neglecting it for months. While I had it deferred for one glorious year, I could have been putting money back, saving, preparing for its eminent return. I did not think about it, I did not work on saving for it once leave was over. And because of my lack, it’s my fault that I’m in dire straights now. And that’s, in combination with cut hours and other bills, the stress of money bears down on me like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders.
So I am not a happy person. I am a stressed, depressed, and angry person. And quite often this anger, stress, and depression is taken out on others. If anyone has been hurt, offended, or annoyed by my behavior over the last several months, I apologize.
Lately, it seems the only comfort and peace I find is in the evening snuggles with my child. Tonight, while I’d hoped that she’d be asleep when I got home, she was awake. Her daddy was trying to get her down to sleep, but when she saw me she practically tried climbing over him to get to me. My heart melted. We cuddled a bit before she got to fussy and too tired. Soon after giving her a bottle she was out and sleeping peacefully in my arms. I looked at her and whispered, “Mommy loves you, you know that?” And I kissed her cheek.
She is my best thing ever. She is my happy place. Even when she’s fussy, or grumpy. Even when she’s trying to bite my fingers. Always. She’s my sunshine and she makes my days brighter.
She doesn’t quite understand when or why mommy is upset and she doesn’t know how happy she makes me. But she is sure good at brightening my life.
I am not a happy person. I’ve cried recently more times than I can count. I’ve longed for some miracle to come and make my life just a little bit easier. I’ve wished for something better to come along. I’ve prayed that I didn’t have to stick with a job I honestly don’t want anymore. But for my daughter and my husband I stay.
But I cannot much longer.
Once some of my bills are paid off and the burden of money has lifted slightly, I WILL find something different. I WILL find something new. Whether it be in a school, or flipping burgers, I WILL not do this anymore.
Until then, it’s head down mouth shut. I will accept the things I cannot change. I will do my job, I will work silent and quick. I will do as I am told. I will smile and greet customers and assist them eagerly–as I have always done. That is one of the few things I enjoy best about my job. Helping customers. Yes, even the rude ones.
Someday the light will not brighten only when my daughter is around. Someday the light will be bright always, and I will be happier. Someday, someday, someday.
Impotent rage: basically extreme anger that you can do nothing with.
I’m feeling it now, Mr. Crabs.
My kid is sick. I don’t know what’s wrong. She’s had a fever off and on all night. I don’t know how high, I just know that she goes from burning up to cool. And she will not let me put her down. I hope to god she’s teething.
I need to take her to the doctor. I need to make sure it’s nothing major.
But if I call in with another unexcused absence, I’ll get “coached”. If I get coached I will likely be fired.
Last time I called in, I’d been puking all morning. The time before that my child had a virus. I could not take her to daycare. E These were BOTH unexcused.
I don’t love my job. Once in a while I like it. I might even enjoy some days. More often than not, especially lately, I loathe my job. But I cannot afford to quit without another on the line, and I sure as heck do not want fired.
So you see my conundrum.
I was told, LAST TIME I got a “discussion” for unexcused absences, “let us know before hand if you need to miss, and we will do our best to help you out.” HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?! Anticipate the day before? “Hey, I’m 50% sure my kid will need to see a doctor tomorrow, can I randomly take a day off without pay, just in case?”
And normally I would express my frustrations with the help of a Facebook post. But I deactivated that yesterday. So here I am dear blog followers.
And I’m holding a finally sleeping infant, so screaming is not an option.
There are numerous things I dislike about working retail. But there are a lot of things I LOVE.
Case in point: Today a customer came up too me, I’m assuming to ask about some makeup. She started with, “There’s this blush I got here once, I think it’s cover girl, that’s a mousse type…”
Now, before she can even finish the though, I KNOW we don’t have it. Like. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I start to tell her so, and she interrupts me. She says, “I know you have it, it’s kind of expensive…”
First I think, “Not if its CoverGirl.” And the only thing even similar that I can think of it being, that we have in stock is the E. L. F. brand. And it’s at most $3. But she insists its CoverGirl, and I show her the only CG blush we have is powder.
So, instead of believing me, she walks away muttering to herself, or perhaps she was on the phone, “I know they have it, I just got it here the other day.”
The thing is, I know my department. Like, inside and out. I can find something better in my department than I can in my own house.
Ask me if we carry a perm kit. Yes, we do. It doesn’t have the rollers with it, it’s located in the shampoo isle, second shelf from the bottom in the same section as the Aussie products.
Dry Shampoo? Yep! Web have numerous brands in now! suave, tressemee, not your mothers, Got to Be, Pantene, Herbal essences, and Garier Frutisse (I usually forget about that one. It’s new).
I KNOW my department.
But I just love it when a customer tried to tell me we carry something when I KNOW we, in fact, do not.
Now, I will admit that only just now, did I remember that once, more than three months ago, we carried Maybe kilns “Dreame Bouncy Blush”.
The Maybelline section has since been reset and that particular item is one we’ve not carried in almost three months. I know because it was there before my child was born, and gone after.
and even longer ago, we carried (or randomly got in)
“Maybelline Dream Mousse Blush”. I only remember one or two of the item ever being in the store and we couldn’t get rid of them!
I just love knowing I’m right!